Chat Song: ‘It’s You’ by Ali Gatie.
“So please don’t break my heart, don’t tear me apart. I know how it starts, trust me, I’ve been broken before. Don’t break me again, I am delicate. Please don’t break my heart, trust me, I’ve been broken before.”
Sunday May 23 2020
Lexie’s location: Sitting on her bed.
L: I am sorry.
J: What do you mean, Lex?
L: I can’t unblock you right now, Joshua.
J: Why not?
L: I just need some space and time to think about some stuff.
(Lexie notices a gap as Josh begins typing, then stops, then begins typing again as if he is equally as confused as her.)
J: What stuff?
(She sighs. Speaking to Josh 24/7 is close to suicide, and the best way to start her route to getting over him is to take some time to gather her thoughts. She is not able to do that when he keeps telling her that he loves her.)
L: Just some stuff.
J: Are we keeping secrets now?
(Lexie is not sure how to respond to that statement, so she stares at her phone screen, twisting her lips in apprehension. Suddenly, Josh begins to video call her. She rolls her eyes and sighs. Joshua never stops until he gets what he wants. She knows he will not give up and will go to extensive measures to ensure she picks up and so she takes a deep breath and clicks the green icon.)
His smooth, handsome face instantly reminds her that getting over him will not be easy. She has not seen him for a while, so she had almost forgotten how attractive he is.
Josh is sitting against his headboard, sporting a black tank and blue sports shorts. His dark hair is tousled, and Lexie can tell that he has been running his fingers through the strands frustratedly. The most admirable feature about him is how his lips tend to always have a soft, pink look to them, and Lexie always finds herself subtly staring at them whenever he would talk to her.
When he had kissed her in her room the other day, her imaginations and fantasies were confirmed, since his lips were as soft as they may come. Almost like marshmallows, molding with hers quite magically.
“Why are you torturing me this way, Lex?” His amber eyes boldly peer into hers and she shifts against her mattress. She finds it difficult to maintain eye-contact with him for long, but Joshua likes to keep their gazes connected, oblivious to the fact that Lexie is squirming in discomfort.
“You’re the one who was ignoring me first, Joshua.”
“I know and I am sorry. I should not have acted that way with you...I was just going through some internal stuff. But I am waving my white flag. I haven’t been myself lately, I miss you.”
Lexie sighs, fighting not to let his words get to her head. He has a sweet tongue, but his compliments mean nothing. She knows this.
“I get you…but I think I really need a break.”
“At least unblock me…I won’t text you until you feel like texting me,” he bargains with that hopeful look in his eyes. She hates how weak she is to him, how whenever his eyes hold that pleading gleam, she finds it hard to say no.
This is so unhealthy.
“Fine…” Lexie sighs in approval then go to unblock him. He patiently waits on the line, fiddling with his silver necklace. When she is finished, she slides the video call back up and exhales heavily. She ignores the words of rebuke from her inner subconscious, that has been desperately probing her to get over this boy.
He smiles, his cat-like eyes lighting up.
His eyes. They will be the death of her; alienating her entire existence.
“Thank you, Lexie. I feel like I’ll be able to sleep better now. I missed you all week and—”
The familiar feminine voice causes Lexie’s heart to sidestep as Sabrina suddenly appears over Josh’s head, throwing her arms around his neck. The feeble strings that her heart were merely hanging by have now popped completely but she forces a smile as Sabrina waves excitedly at her.
Her long brown hair cascades down her shoulders and her teeth are so white that it glistens on the screen. Though the lighting in the room is dim, Lexie can still spot the strange, awkward expression on Josh’s face as he lifts his head to gaze at his grinning girlfriend.
“Sabrina…wh-when did you get here?”
“I just arrived; thought I would give you a surprise visit. Tada! Your mom let me up.” She plants a kiss on his cheek and Lexie looks away, biting her lip. “What were you guys talking about?”
Sabrina crashes on the bed next to Joshua who is still wearing the utter look of discomfort as he scoots over to grant her space.
Lexie tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear, attempting to keep a composed expression but in truth, she is dying on the inside.
“Uh…nothing.” Josh rubs his neck, and Sabrina frowns, pouting her lips.
“Or is it a secret between you two?”
“No.” Lexie quickly chimes in, and she sees when Josh looks at her weirdly. “We weren’t—we weren’t talking about anything, we just started talking so.”
Lexie cannot understand why she feels this nervous. Perhaps it is because video chats between her and Josh had not been pure lately. But that is all over now, right? Yet, she cannot shake off the strong wad of disappointment deep down. She loved it when Josh spoke to her the way he would speak to his girlfriend and though it had been for a short while, she felt loved by him. Not as a friend. But more.
“Oh god, you’re so pretty, Lex. Normally video calls make people appear a lot uglier than they actually are.” Sabrina chuckles while Lexie forces a smile, fondling with the hem of her dress.
This is so awkward, and she really feels like hanging up right now.
After a thick moment of silence, Josh clears his throat. “So, uhm babe, did you come by to talk to me about something or...?”
Sabrina laughs. “Of course not, baby.”
Smirking haughtily, she leans over into Josh’s ear. Lexie watches as his face becomes a bright shade of red while Sabrina settles back into her spot, biting her lip seductively. Lexie may be inexperienced, but she knows exactly what that meant. She feels her eyes begin to sting but blink the tears back as best as possible.
Suddenly, Josh is unable to form sentences. “Uh-uh, Lex…I-I’ll call you back later, alright?”
She just nods, pretending the obvious reason for his abrupt departure is not plucking at her heartstrings. “O-okay. Bye.”
Reeling in a sea of internal turmoil she waits for Josh to hang up first, wanting to cast her eyes over him one last time. She feels so pathetic. Though she is also proud of herself for not crying her eyes out already, she knows once the call ends and the lights go down her pillows will bear the tears of her heartbreak.
Josh is impatient and flushed, therefore he is not thinking straight. He sloppily clicks the red icon and throws his cell on the bed. Lexie is now seeing a perfect view of his ceiling as she wrinkles her forehead. Shaking her head, she goes to press the disconnect button, however, the smooch noises coming from the heated couple prompts her to halt her movements.
She knows she should not listen to this. She knows it will hurt her, but her body is numb and so she finds herself sitting there, listening to the boy she loves having sex with the girl he loves.
All her self-praise washes away as she feels a warm tear slips down her face. The world seems to have stopped as she feels her entire body trembling with heartbreak.
Hang up. Hang up.
Her subconscious attempts to save the last of her sanity, but Lexie cannot move. She is not thinking straight. All she is hearing is the rattling of Josh’s headboard and the words of pleasure being exchanged between the two intimate people.
“I love you so much, Sabrina…”
“You feel so good, babe…”
“I love you too…”
Each moan that leaves Sabrina’s lips followed by Josh’s grunts of pleasure is a painful stab to Lexie’s heart and she clutches her chest as she buries her head between her legs.
She wants to scream so much, yell at her phonescreen and rip her heart out of her chest.
Should love hurts this much? And if it hurts this way, is it considered love or just a cruel fate? She should not have fallen in love with him. It’s the worst thing to have ever happened to her. How do you unlove someone?
It feels like hours when their lovemaking finally ends, and Lexie hears them exchanging a few sweet words before the bedsheets begin to ruffle.
Her small petite body is shaking, and silent tears are flowing down her face as she hugs her knees. She feels like this will be a pain that she will never ever come back from.
This is it. She is officially broken and will probably never become whole again.
Her body jolts as Josh’s voice loudly sounds. “Fuck! I didn’t hang up, shit—”
Lexie quickly presses the red icon on her phone before Josh could reach his, but instantly a text pops up onto her screen. Her eyes are blurry with tears and she blinks them away to read the words there.
J: Oh shit, Lex. Why didn’t you hang up? I am sorry you had to hear that. ☹
Lexie decides not to answer. She lays onto her side, staring at her wall with a blank expression on her face. Her body is still jerking at short intervals from the weeping she just underwent. All her energy is drained.
It hurts. A lot. But she has been so battered and bruised that she somehow cannot feel it anymore.
“I’ve been broken, yeah, I know how it feels to be open and then find out your love isn’t real. I’m still hurting, yeah, I’m hurting inside. I’m so scared to fall in love, but if it’s you, then I’ll try.”—Ali Gatie.