Friends Can Break Your Heart Too
Chat Song: I Hate u, I love u by gnash ft. Olivia O’Brien.
“All alone, I watch you watch her. Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen. You don’t care, you never did. You don’t give a damn about me. Yeah, all alone, I watch you watch her. She is the only thing you’ve ever seen. How is it you never notice that you are slowly killing me?”
Monday May 11 2020
Lexie’s Location: Sitting on her bed.
L: Josh and I did something earlier and it’s been on my mind like crazy.
S: 👀What did you guys do??
L: Do you know what sexting is?
S: Yep. Sex via texting. Why? Wait, did you guys sext?
Ten minutes later...
L: Are you there Selene?
L: I don’t know what to do, I feel like I have started to like him even more now😥
S: 😒You told me you were going to give up on him.
L: I was trying.
S: You weren’t, or you wouldn’t have agreed to sext with him. If you start crying, don’t come to me. I warned you, Lexie.
L: I know, you warned me. But you don’t understand. You don’t get what it’s like to like someone this much and can’t be with them, he’s my best friend and I can’t ignore him so how on earth will I get over him?
S: You can’t say I don’t understand. You don’t know the half of it.
L: What do you mean?
S: Nothing. Don’t sext him anymore. You’re getting your hopes up for something that won’t happen.
S: Give up on him.
L: I can’t.
S: Suit your fucking self.
(Selene has gone offline.)
(Lexie sighs and throws her phone onto her bed. She knows Selene is partially right. Sexting will only worsen her feelings and make things a lot more complicated on her part. She gets up and decides to take a much-needed shower. The dirty talks Josh wrote to her earlier had left her hot and bothered.)
The Same Day
Josh’s Location: Watching TV on his bed.
(Joshua’s cellphone vibrates from his pillow. He picks it up and taps Selene’s message open. Her name pulls his mind back to the nude picture she claimed she sent by accident and he flashes his head. She doesn’t turn him on but he can’t seem to think of her the same, now that he has seen her entire birthday suit.)
S: Let’s sext.
S: Or phone sex. I’m home alone and the rain is hitting against my rooftops, it’s doing odd things to me.
J: I will not do that with you. I have a girlfriend.
S: Joshhhh, please?
J: I said no. Stop.
S: 😞Is it okay to sext with everyone else but not with me?
J: What is that supposed to mean?
Five minutes later...
J: Did Lexie say something to you?
S: No. Why would Lexie say something to me regarding sexting? Wait, did you two...
J: No. I am watching a movie, I’ll text you some other time.
S: Do you like Lexie?
J: Bye Selene.
S: If you were to date one of us who would you choose?
J: Are you on drugs?
J: Stop being weird, I’m watching a movie, I will talk to you later.
(Joshua exits her chat and comes offline, shaking his head while he throws his phone aside. His mind instantly flows to Lexie. Since their heated conversation earlier, she hasn’t spoken to him. He decides to shoot her a text.)
(Lexie stares at her phone screen. She wants to respond to Josh’s message but what if he starts talking dirty again? Selene has a point, why dig your own ditch?
A notification pops up onto her screen, signaling that Josh has sent her another message. She hates to ignore him but she has no choice right now. Laying onto her back, she stares up at the ceiling; the position only refilling her mind with the words he wrote to her earlier.
The sudden ringing of her cellphone jolts her as she looks over and realizes that Josh has now resorted to calling her. Her heart rate speeds up as she contemplates whether to answer or not. The ringing stops and she’s relieved, but then it begins again and she takes a breath and decides to answer the call.)
“Why are you ignoring my messages?” His silvery voice sends a chill throughout her body and she swallows the lump in her throat.
“I am not. I was taking a shower.”
“Are you still in the shower right now?”
His sheet ruffles on the opposite end and the sound of switching channels is audible through the phone line. She knows he’s probably browsing through Netflix for a movie.
“No, I am in bed.”
She rolls onto her stomach and lays her head against her pillow, staring at her window that is spotted with water droplets.
“Looking at the rain. It’s a cold day.”
“I’m in bed too. I’m here thinking,” he answers.
“What we did earlier...and how turned on you were and how turned on I was. Still is.”
His voice is immensely serene and Lexie feels the hairs rising on her skin. She has no idea what to say to that. Selene’s words repeat in her head and she sighs. It can’t be like this. Josh is only confusing her.
“Do you see yourself having a future with Sabrina?” The words suddenly leave her lips.
There is a bit of silence before Josh finally responds.
“Yeah...I love her.”
Lexie presses a hand over her heart as if it will heal the deep wound his words left behind.
“Just as much as you love me?”
The pause comes again, followed by a sigh. “Yeah...but both ‘loves’ are kind of different.”
She buries her face in her pillow then takes a deep breath before asking what she will next.
“What’s different about them?”
Josh makes a noise close to one of utter confusion before he answers. “Uh, I love Sabrina intimately, like I see myself marrying her. But with you...I want you close to me always. Shit, that sounded stupid. I am not sure if I am making sense.”
Oh, he is. Lexie knows exactly what he’s saying. It means he loves her as just a friend. Maybe, in the same way, he’d love his little brother, Jayden. She knows she doesn’t stand a chance against Sabrina; she’s pretty and rich. And if you want to pull for the notion that ‘vanity isn’t all’, she also has a great personality to top it off. She is perfect. Lexie knows this because she has met her a few times when she visits Josh at school.
She can’t help but feel envious of her. Sabrina has it all, even the one thing Lexie desperately wants. Josh.
Lexie tries not to cry. “I understand what you’re saying. You love me as a friend.”
“Yeah...that’s it. I guess that’s what I am trying to say.”
She presses a hand to her forehead. “I get it. I finally get it now.”
“I am being serious. I love you, Lexie. I really do.”
This always ends badly for her. Whenever she talks to him, it always tends to leave her in nothing but tears, and maybe this is the way it will forever be, right? Will she just become a giant pathetic mess?
“Yeah...I love you too, Josh.”
But not in the way you do.
“I hate you, I love you. I hate that I want you. You want her, you need her. And I’ll never be her.”—Olivia O’Brien.
“Do you miss me like I miss you? Fucked around and got attached to you. Friends can break your heart, too and I’m always tired, but never of you.” —gnash.