Those three words struck my now frozen heart as if they were a dagger. I looked at him as my eyes began to well up. One by one my tears dripped onto my morning gown. My hands dropped from my chest onto my sides. My heart ached and it hurt me to know that I could not stop it. The pain in my heart gradually, slowly increased. The heat that invaded my heart.
My Dad did not react to my reaction. I wondered how long he had kept this burden to himself. I was angry at myself for not realising sooner. I hated myself for not treating him better. I loathed by guts for ever shutting him out of my life. Now I felt that I no longer have enough time to make up for my shortcomings.
"Dad , No..." My voice rasped as I tried to bring out a voice , anything. "Don't leave me Dad , please, you can't, promise me you won't"
"Dad please, I'm sorry and I love you Dad. Imsorryfornotshowingyouenoughloveandabandoningyou" I said hysterically unable to breathe.
"Dad please say something"
His silence killed me. It brought me more pain than I could imagine. I felt it would be better if he atleast talked to me and get my mind of the negatives by reassuring me that he would not leave me.
I sunk into my beanbag and brought my knees to my chest. I looked away not wanting to meet his eyes. Did not want to have to see the pain in his eyes which I knew would haunt me for the rest of my life. I began to think of all those times that I was a more burden to him than I was a daughter.
"Honey, you have to eat something, Sarina tells me you have not eaten anything since I left for work this morning"
"I want mom, Daddy, can't you understand, please tell her to come and tell me to eat, I want her to tell me to eat Dad"
"You know I can't do that Sweetcheeks , your mother is in heaven with God now you know we can't disturb her peace by calling her back"
"Dad why did you have to let her die though. You know what Dad I hate you for letting her die and I will starve myself to death if I have to . So I can go and join her and leave you alone so you feel the pain. And Dad why was I not even allowed to go to her funeral?"
"Luella, you don't understand..."
"No Dad," I cut him off "Let me finish, you said you want to talk to me , Fine let me express myself. You know what Dad , I'm really going to sleep. Seems like it's only thing to do here since I can't even visit my own mother's grave"
"Luella, please listen"
And just like that I walked out on him. I heard him sink into a nearby couch in frustration . I heard him release a large sigh that I never knew he was holding in. He puffed out large breaths trying to regularise them.
I walked out of the room in large, angry strides. I ran out of the house to our lake. The lake house that my Dad owned was where we were going to stay whilst we 'recovered' as my Dad called it. He himself had taken a whole summer off from work to mourn his wife, Isabel Mercher Fayre, my mother.
As much as I knew how inconsiderate I was being towards his feelings and his pain from losing my mom, I still felt that I needed to hate someone and vent out all the anger I held towards mom for leaving me alone. And my poor underserving Dad fell victim to the monster I had become. The monster my mother's death had turned me into.
I jumped into the cold morning lake water fully clothed in the hope of the water numbing all my pain away. I even went as far as holding my breath for too long under water in the hope of drowning myself. I swallowed gallons of the disgusting water just so j coukd drown. But none of it worked.
After trying all methods to kill myself which ended in dismal almost amusing fails, I resorted to floating in the water. As much as it was cold it offered me a temporary soothing sensation that calmed my nerves. I closed my eyes and soaked in the morning sun. Atleast for just this temporary period I could forget about everything..
"Madame Luella, how long is you going to sleep in ze water, heh , your father be looking for you" Sarina called me in her thick Mexican accent. "Please, heh , you come out and I prepare hot chocolate for you and I give to you your favourite Mexican mango blueberry ice cream" she tried to ciax me into going out..
I'm afraid her icream suggestion finally managed to get me out. I brought my shivering self out of the water and followed behind Sarina drying my hair with the towel that she had handed me.