CHAPTER ONE: THE UNCERTAINTY
And her dim light effortlessly made the wait seems worth it. As she shines through the pain and the dust of betrayals, leaving it all rested and rumbling the mind and soul I possess. In a moment of weakness, she crumbled upon her feelings, not knowing wither they were for me or for someone else. She disappeared for a while, awaiting her come back patiently… as I am waiting and writing for an uncertainty, I started thinking and wondering, about the past three days that we were talking, how little and insignificant they are compared to 9 months. Yet, there is something strange about this girl, this girl that I haven’t even heard her voice, seen her smile or even how she moves. There is something that even I cannot describe, a connection? Chemistry? Or something else. Everything is dependent on a sentence made up of 3 insignificant words individually, yet when combined, they could change a life.
I could talk and talk endlessly about her, how I think she is. Pretending or guessing, I could make her the perfect woman for me, but the truth is, I do not really know her that much, but since the first few words that we said to each other, I can without a doubt say that she is definitely strange. She is not like anyone I have ever known, she has managed to break from the chains that held our society, those chains that have let me down countless times, that have always made me feel different and strange, the society that I was raised in and at the same time, the society that I do not fit in and never will be. she has given me hope, a hope that one day it will be free from the chains. I sensed a difference in her, the few words that she has said. I can see her removing her guard from the moment she started seeing how I differ from others, how I am not confined with those chains. Breaking her silence one word after another, after seeing who I am as a person, how I do not judge someone based on their actions. There is nothing that I have done that she hasn’t done already; it is like both of our experiences have matched. Somewhere along our life’s journey, we both longed for experiences and we both acted upon it, not caring for what others think. Yet, not regretting the things that we have done. You can really see signs of what a person is, just by a few simple words, a sentence or a gesture. You can know when a person is comfortable with you or not, the mouth can hide, but the body tells the truth. No matter how hard we try to hide how we feel, but they are always obvious to an observer.
You can redeem a song if it is great or not from the first 20 seconds of it, but when it comes to people, knowing someone for a long time and being comfortable with, is something that is normal, but knowing someone for a short period of time and being comfortable with, like you have known them for years, in this moment you start getting mixed and strange feelings. Relationships wither they are friends or more, takes time. Yet, in a short period, we managed to know details about each other that no one in our lives knew, that we think that people will judge us bad for doing what we had to do to survive. We do what we think is right in our moments of weakness, we go out of our ways to try to repair the damage that was done to us, we somewhat heal, but a broken glass can only be glued. No matter how hard we try, some parts of us will always be broken, we just learn to coup with it. She is broken as much as I am, that’s why I think we have connected. We both have a huge dent from our past and we both want to fill what is missing. Absorbing whatever comes into our way, we take what we get, wither it is good or bad, reflecting it into our personality, evolving it into something that was derived from its original self, yet, new, based from the experiences gained. Nothing comes for free, even this new found personality of ours, the experiences that was gained, affected our personalities, changed how we think about everything, how we handle our feelings and the actions that we make. Everything will be related to our past and everything will be either to avoid it or recreate it. Then at this moment, can we really say that the past is forgotten?
We hold on to our past, we try so hard to never let it really go away. To our defense, we were comfortable with how things were going and no matter the harm we were in, we cherished every moment of it. If it was up to me, I would be back with my ex in this instance, but I know better that it will never happen and as it turned out, she was no good for me and I know that, but if I saw her right at this moment, my heart will beat for her, forgetting all the pain she has made me suffer, forgetting that she has left me alone in my time of need, but I loved her… see how uncertain I am about everything…