I sat on the balcony, feeling the morning breeze. Yesterday Farah spent the day explaining what I had and what I needed to do to feel better. I had seen myself in the bathroom mirror. I was a monster.
My whole body is full of bruises and scars, permanent scars on my body for the rest of my life. The wound on my back was still healing. I was injured badly. Even though I was used to the pain, I felt this one a bit, especially every time I laid in bed.
Farah told me that when Dominique saved me, he pulled everything in a hurry, making me be injured. She briefly told me what happened. I was still oblivious to certain things. I had a lot of questions I was eager to ask, but I had to be careful. I still didn’t trust them.
Yesterday, also after Dominique left in the morning, I didn’t get to see him again. I stared at my hand, the one he held. It was strange, but every touch felt like home. I felt secure. Also, when I saw him and heard his name, something on my mind triggered. It was a memory I couldn’t remember, but why?
Taking a deep breath, I look around the place. This place was beautiful. Tears started flowing down. I felt I was missing something. This emptiness in me killed me. I didn’t wish to be alive, but if I was, there must be a reason. I just feared that he would come for me, eventually.
I was thinking so much I didn’t feel Farah approaching me.
“You ok?” Farah asked.
I looked away. I wasn’t used to telling people how I was. I just wanted to be alone.
“I know you must want to be alone, but I’m here,” Farah said as she took a seat across me, “You can trust me, trust us. No matter how long it takes, we will wait for you.”
I heard her words, but they’re just in vain. I can’t trust them, not this easily. All I had been through, how could I trust again? I lost hope, faith, everything. I was just a walking corpse roaming this evil world.
“Allorah?” Farah said, “Please, um, look here for some fruits.”
I looked at the tray with fruits on the table. I felt my stomach turning. Looking away, I gulp. I was feeling nauseous.
“Leave,” I whispered, closing my eyes, “Please leave.”
I heard the chair scrape as she stood up and left. I sat there crying alone. It hurt; I just wanted this to end. I was all alone, in this cruel world where I didn’t belong; I was all alone.
Feeling my body sway, I open my eyes slowly. I saw a white shirt and the smell of cologne. I was confused, but as I looked up, I saw him, Dominique. Surprised, I move, making me almost fall.
“Hey, be careful,” Dominique said as he held me in his muscular arms.
“P-Put me down,” I stutter, afraid, “Please.”
“I won’t until we reach the bed,” Dominique said, “You fell asleep outside; you might catch a cold.”
I doze off? But when?
Embarrassed, I look down. Putting me down softly, I feel the bedsheets. I was too embarrassed to look up. Whispering a thank you, I laid down.
“Allorah?” Dominique said.
I was looking away, too shy.
“Allorah, look at me,” Dominique ordered.
I gripped the bedsheets hard. I didn’t know what to do. Feeling Dominique’s hand on my chin, he turns my head, making me look at him. He was so close I could see every little detail on his face. Especially his eyes. He was dashing. Flushing, I look away again.
“Please, don’t look away,” Dominique whispered near my ear.
My heart beat fast. His touch made it irresistible for me to deny him. I looked up through my lashes. He was so close our lips could kiss. He looked at me with longing. His eyes looked at me with need, want, desire. It was a feeling I only felt with the man I was in love with, my old partner.
His hand started drifting down my cheek, then my neck, until he grabbed a hair strand and brought it to his lips.
“You’re so beautiful,” Dominique whispered sweetly, “I love your hair Allorah.”
How could he say that? I was a mess, a monster. I didn’t look cute at all.
I was a damaged soul. Feeling angry, I pulled away from him and moved away until I was on the other side.
“I wanted to sleep,” I mumbled as I laid down with my back towards him.
I must have been harsh, but I didn’t care. I wouldn’t say I liked this. I didn’t want a stranger to tell me how beautiful I was when I was a broken doll in reality. A being that shouldn’t be here from the beginning. He doesn’t even know who I indeed was.
The next day, I woke up and took a small bath. Farah helped me to get cleaned. Feeling the warm water on my skin made me cringe. I haven’t taken a bath for so long; it feels odd on my skin.
I sat on a stool with my back to her. I laid motionless.
“Here, do you want to do it yourself?” Farah asked as she handed me a piece of cloth, “Your body needs to take it slow, so you want to try it?”
I nodded and grabbed the cloth. Slowly, I wiped my arms. Looking at myself with all those scars made me mad. Tears started building in my eyes. Throwing the clothes angrily, I hug myself. I wanted to be somewhere else.
“Allorah?” Farah asked, shocked, “Um, let me.”
“NO!” I yelled, “Don’t j-just don’t touch me, please.”
Small sobs escape my mouth. I started rocking myself in fear of making her angry. Putting my hands on my ears to block any noise, I cry. I don’t want them to touch me, to look at me. I looked hideous.
“Allorah, you need to calm down,” Farah said as she kneeled in front of me.
I kept crying until I started feeling dizzy. This was too much for me. Trying to hold me from the wall, I see the room spin. Hearing Farah yelled for help before I passed out.
“How is she?” I heard a voice ask.
“I-I don’t know,” Farah mumbled.
Who was she talking to?
“What do you mean, dear?” a voice I recognize said.
“Mother, she’s traumatizing,” Farah said with a sigh, “I don’t think she will accept any of us. I can see the way she looks at herself. She must think she’s ugly.”
I didn’t want to hear that. Slowly, I opened my eyes and looked at them. Noticing me, they both stay quiet.
“How are you feeling, dear?” Farah’s mother asked, “Want water?”
I shook my head and sat carefully, feeling the pain in my back. I hissed. Farah’s mother sat on a chair near the bed.
“Allorah, would you like to speak with me?” Farah’s mother asked with a warm smile, “Just you and me, what do you say?”
I looked up at the woman who had a black dress. Farah’s mother tied her hair neatly in a bun, and she wore light makeup. She looked like Farah a lot. With a sigh, I shake my head.
“I want to be alone. Just leave me, please,” I said.
Her eyes went wide.
“My god, your voice!” Farah’s mother said with a gasp, “Your voice is so beautiful. Now I see why everyone is talking about you. You’re not just beautiful, but your voice is melodic.”
I grip the bedsheet hard. The same word again, beautiful. I wasn’t beautiful.
“Farah, how about we get some clothes for her?” Farah’s mother said happily, “She can wear dresses, right?”
“Sure, but not tight ones,” Farah said with a smile.
“NO!” I said with a stern look, “No, thank you!”
I tried getting up from bed; I was angry again. What was with these people? Who do they think they are?
Farah’s mother stood up, worried. Farah and the other doctors in the room observe me. I stumbled as I stood up.
“Allorah, you need to go back to bed,” Farah said as she approached me, “Your wound.”
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” I yelled with tears, “Don’t, just leave me alone.”
I walked towards the bedroom door.
Swaying, I give baby steps. My body still felt heavy and tired.
“Allorah, where are you going?” Farah said as she grabbed my arm, “Please, you can’t leave.”
“I don’t need you,” I mumble.
“What?” Farah asked, confused.
“I SAID I DON’T NEED YOU!” I yelled, making everyone stay silent.
I was seething in anger. I didn’t want this.
“I d-don’t need you, just leave me to die,” I said as I cried.
“Why do you say that?” Farah asked, “We need you.”
Need me? Do they even know who I was?
“You don’t know a thing…” I mumble, “You don’t have any idea how I wished to be dead!”
I was panting, anger evident in my face. Farah flinched at my words. Her hand letting goes of my arm.
“You don’t have a single clue of who I am or what I am,” I said as I looked at her, “You should have let me die in that place.”
I was so engrossed that I didn’t hear the door behind me open, and someone hugged me. I was shocked by the sudden touch. I stay still. Warm breath near my neck made my body shiver.
“I don’t care who you are,” a male voice whispered, “But I know I need you.”
It was Dominique. He was embracing me firmly.
His body was shuddering.
“Please don’t say that Allorah, please,” Dominique whispered.
All I could do was look away. I couldn’t accept this. Knowing I would regret this, I said the following words.
“You know nothing. I hate you, humans, I hate all of you, and I hate you for saving me. I should be dead with the love of my life. You are just a pest that hurts and kills. You, humans, are a mistake to this world, and you should be dead. All of you!”
Everyone flinches at my words. I could see their pain. Pushing Dominique away, I walk out of the bedroom. I needed to get away from everyone. Go to a place where I could die peacefully, with no regrets.