Chapter 3: Bloody Ice
Why the fuck did I set Jen’s hair on fire!?
Because you hate her and she thinks just cause your father married his niece, you’ll also marry her.
Yeah, that sounded kind of creepy, didn’t it?
Well, let me introduce myself, then.
My name is Asher Joshua Moore. I am around 6 feet 2 inches, have jet black heart (oops, I meant hair) and eyes which resemble fire when I’m in Hell, a deep teal when I’m in the ocean, a rainbow when I’m on Earth and pure white when I’m in Heaven.. I can change my appearance whenever I want which is quite handy at times, if you know what I mean.
OKAY, You guys NEED to take your mind out of the gutter. I enjoy changing my appearance so that I can see the smile on my other niece’s face when I change into a princess and play “Tea Party” with her.
I happen to be the God of entertainment and am the Devil’s son, to put it lightly. I belong in hell basically and can visit it whenever I want so your curses to send me to hell will mean literally send me to hell and I’ll be happy to oblige.
The problem you ask. I can’t. Because I’d set Jenny dear’s hair on fire for the 5th time, I was condemned to a few years on Earth. I hate it. I’ve been here before when mom, wants to get her new kitchen gadgets or when dad needs a second opinion about his Italian suits.
So, Jenny dear is the daughter of my brother Zagreus. Most people believe that it was grandfather slash uncle’s kid with his daughter slash sister-in-law.
Goodness, I HATE those pesky, ancient Greek writers. They bloody messed up my family’s tales.
They believed in us and only a few knew the truth. But they spread our tales and by the time it reached everyone’s ears, it had been changed so much to become the new gossipy hit topic that everything had been changed.
My brother, Zagreus became the son of my mom and her father.
Then, my dad hated my cousin Hercules so much that he tried to throw him from the heaven. A fact that Disney pretty much cemented. What they didn’t know was that Hercules was actually my father’s favourite nephew!
And don’t even get me started on this Riordan dude. He may not know it yet, but all the shit he’s spewed about how there are 3 parts in hell and demigods… If possible, Dad’s going to put his ass in Tartarus for sure.
If anything, my family’s pretty close. We have weekly lunches at either Mount Olympus or The Oceans. Very rarely in Hell though.
Well, I think that’s enough of my anger on those idiots. For now…
Anyways, if you’re wondering why my name is Asher and not something more Greek-y, I have just two words for you.
It’s the 21st century, Isn’t it?
Anyways, my apartment is set on Earth. I have to blend in tomorrow at this University of Berkeley. Let me tell you, I’m SO looking forward to it. Do note the sarcasm.
Well, I’m bored right now and this Google is telling me that the nearest recreational activity is ice skating.
Yes. I know how to use Google. I also know how to ice skate. What do you think of me?
Also, I will mostly talk about my “special” family in their Greek forms because it is way easier than their Roman forms or Catholic forms.
It’s not that I don’t love them or they don’t love me back. Uncle Zeus and I have had amazing times shaping the clouds. Humans love to figure out their shapes apparently. Uncle Poseidon and I have had fun times with the mermaids’ choir which let me tell you is not at all how it looks like in Disney’s Little Mermaid. Once again, Disney has changed the reality of this world.
Granny and I have fun with the nature. Dad and I have fun trying to get the souls to dance. Mom and I… we are totally different and fight many-a-times but it’s still okay, I guess. My brother and I are also different but we bond over music. Life goes on, I guess.
The only person I hate in our not-so little family, Jen Moore. She’s so annoying, gosh! She shouldn’t even be allowed in hell but my parents are so head-over-heels in love with her. In front of them, She’s like the sweetest little person in front of them. I wish that she would be like that in front of everyone though.
That is the reason why they don’t understand why I’m so dead set on setting her perfect little curly brown hair on fire. She is totally like her mother in looks and was sweet up until the age of 10. Then, she watched Mean Girls and became influenced by Regina George. I’d rather she gets influenced by Regina Phalange though. F.R.I.E.N.D.S reference. Got it?
No? HOW ARE YOU GUYS ALIVE WITHOUT WATCHING THE BEST SHOW ON TV! Thank Uncle that we have TV in Hell.
Well, enough of chitchat, I am going skating now.
Okay! This is officially the worst ice-skating rink I’ve ever been to. NO SNACK BAR!? Who do they think they are? Even for a glass of water I had to go to the café across the street. I swear to all of my family, this place needs to upgrade!
I can’t believe that dad sent me to this town!
But then, all of it changed…
I saw her. The one I’m supposed to be with. She was with her friends and was going towards a taxi. And she wasn’t half bad looking but dad and bro and everyone in my family had spent eons looking for their mate (Although it should have taken less time). It was fair that I also need to wait. But no.
Aunt Aphrodite and I needed to talk, right now…
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