Chapter Twenty One - Stephen’s POV
We had spent the last few days on Koh Samui visiting the other sites we wanted to see - the Golden Buddha at Wat Phra Yai, the temples and relaxing on the beach. We had just come in from having dinner by the beach under the moonlight.
I went for a shower when we got back and now I was waiting in the lounge area of our bungalow for my doll to finish showering. We had decided to have a quiet night before travelling to Koh Phi Phi for our second week.
I had been messaging Clint to check in at home and he had confirmed him, Dave and the boys had got rid of all the stock now so when I returned we could finally start our lives afresh. With that in mind I had decided tonight I wanted to talk to my doll about what she wanted for our future - children, a home, a new business venture, I wanted to make sure whatever choices we made were joint ones.
Truthfully though, given I was a few years older than her, not old by any means but at 31 I was now at a point I wanted to talk to her about our future, specifically children. I know it is soon after our wedding but since I saw her walking to me that way I can't shake the vision out of my head of her pregnant with my children, or us playing at home together with them. I wanted it all with her.
I had finished on my phone and was just relaxing thinking about that all and waiting for her.
I think what was making me more conscious of it was knowing Clint and Mia would be starting their family soon. They were a huge part of our life and I guess in part I loved the idea of our children growing up together.
Ok, I seriously need to get a grip on myself right now, I'm thinking way too ahead of myself.
I realise my doll is taking a while so I wonder in to see what she's up to.
Stephen - My god!
She hadn't heard me come in but the moment I spoke she looked up and smile at me warmly
Trinity - You ok baby?
Stephen - I'm in love
She blushes and that just sets my heart racing more
Stephen - Baby come sit with me, It's lonely out there without you
I extend my hand to her and she walks over and take it and we head out to the lounge where I sit down and place her in between my legs. I hand her a glass of wine I had poured for her and grab my own. We sat there for a while just enjoying the peace. I was suddenly feeling so nervous, I don't know why but I couldn't help the anxiety I was feeling.
I know she was my wife now, but I still felt deep down I was unworthy of her.
As if sensing my thoughts she reached up and stroked her nails through my hair.
Trinity - Penny for your thoughts love?
I look at her and smile and kiss her cheek
Stephen - I was just thinking about us baby, our lives, where we will be in our future
Trinity - Yeah? And how do you see that babe? What is it you want? Tell me please babe
Stephen - Honestly, I just want you as happy as you have been this last week babe
She turns to face me straddling my lap holding my head in both her hands as she looks deep into my eyes.
Trinity - No baby, that is putting my happiness first, not yours. We are a team sweetheart, your happiness and wants are just as important. I made that vow to you on our wedding day and I will continue to remind you of that. We are in this together ok ? What is it you want?
I swallow down the huge lump in my throat that has suddenly formed as I stare back into her eyes.
Stephen - I want you, I want a family with you, I want so badly to see you pregnant with our children. I am sorry if that scares you, and I understand if it's too soon for you, honestly baby it's fine. It's just something I haven't been able to shake for a long time, and I guess seeing Clint and Mia has just made me long for it more.
Stephen - I had a shitty upbringing babe, I have never had a real family, or anyone in my life for that matter other than Clint and Mia. And then you came along. It terrified me at first because I have never needed someone like I need you. I have never wanted for anything more than I wanted you.
I can feel my emotions spilling over and I can feel the tears starting to choke me up.
Trinity - Baby, look at me please. I'm not going anywhere, I am right here always. Tell me, let me in, let me look after you like you do me. Baby, let me love you please that's all I want
I pull her closer and I bury my head into her chest as my tears start to fall. I feel her hug my head to her body, one hand softly stroking my back and the other running through my hair.
Stephen - I want a family so I can finally give my love freely, so I can give them what I was denied all along. My parents were selfish as hell babe, and every day of my life I was made to feel like a burden, useless , a crutch in the life they really wanted. That was until they realised they could use me to keep their hands clean, while reaping all the benefits. The worst part was, I still loved them, I still longed for their love.
Trinity - Baby, that is not a bad thing or a weakness. You were a child, you deserved to love and be loved. You are a man now, and an amazing man at that, one I am blessed to call my husband. And you are still deserving to be loved and love in return.
I hug into her body tighter hearing her express how much love she has for me. It's all I have ever wanted, was to feel unrestrained love.
Stephen - My father use to remind me daily that I ruined my mother for him, she was never herself again after having me - I ruined her body for him and she was no longer attractive. My mother would say I ruined their relationship because carrying me made my father's eye wander because he didn't find her attractive anymore. So the drug pushing started. At first it was small scale so they could get their fix cheaper.
Stephen - Soon it was to feed my mother's plastic surgery addition while she fought to get my father's attention back. And finally it was just pure greed. I wasn't even a teenager the first time they sent me out to do a deal for them. They were hot. The cops were clueing on to what they were doing. But an 8 year old child walking to the corner shop with a back pack? No one would raise an eyebrow right?
She holds me tighter
Trinity - I am sorry baby that they pushed that life on you. No one deserves that, especially a child.
Stephen - Clint knew even then I was changing. We were like brothers already and he did his best to shield me form it. I would spend weekends staying at his, his parents treating me like their own. I think deep down they knew and just didn't know how to help. Don't get me wrong they did help, and I appreciate everything they did for me. I guess having my own children means so much because I want to break the cycle, I want to know what a normal family is, loving parents, ones who focus on each other, their kids, a house full of unconditional love. Celebrating the little milestones in life together - passing an exam, a promotion at work, sending our kids off to college, seeing them grow and marry, not patting them on the back and letting them have a proper dinner because they managed to sell an 8 ball of coke for you that day. I don't want that to be the norm in my life.
Trinity - Sweetheart, may I ask you something?
Stephen - Anything baby, anything at all
Trinity - What happened to your parents?
I hate this question, but I know she deserve the answer and I want to give her this last piece of me.
Stephen - I'd been staying at Clint's for the weekend and his parents dropped us to school on the Monday. My mum was supposed to pick me up after school. I waited like I was supposed to but she never arrived so I started walking home. It took me 45 minutes but I made it and I knew where the spare key was so I let myself in. I expected I guess just the usual - them doped to the eyeballs after another bender, but they weren't home.
Stephen - I got some dinner and went to my room, I didn't want to get in to trouble by doing anything else if they did come home so I did as I had always been taught.
I pause for a moment as fresh tears fall again and I feel her delicate hands brush them away.
Stephen - They never came back babe
Stephen - I spent 3 days in that house on my own before Clint came over after he realised something wasn't right. We were still kids ourselves you know? Terrified, trying to play adult. We hid it for nearly 18 months. By that stage I had kept myself thriving by taking over the business they had always taught me. It was all I knew.
Stephen - Clint and I were sitting around one day when the cops showed up. My parents bodies had been found in Atlanta. Mum had killed dad after catching him with another woman. She sat with his body and shot up to the point of overdose.
Trinity - Baby, I am so sorry you've had to go through all that in your life. I promise you our lives will be better. I promise you that one day that will all feel like a bad dream because I will make every day from here in better than those memories. We will have the family you want, and Stephen I would be blessed to carry your child, it would be the greatest gift you could give me. And I know in my heart, you have so much love already, any children we have would be so lucky to have you as their father.
Stephen - What if I can't live up to what you or they need? I've never had the good examples in life? I've never known what love is until you, or family.
Trinity - Baby can you not see? Clint is your family. You made your own family. Now it is our time to build on our family, to create our own portrait of love.
Stephen - My heart aches for you
Trinity - My heart beats for you
I lift my hand up to her rubbing my cheek against hers as she cups my face in her hands. As she holds me to her whispering softly in my ear how much she loves me I can't help think to myself there comes a time in our loves when the love for a woman becomes so true that you cannot imagine it ever changing.
For some it proves to be an ethereal and elusive moment that is eventually lost in time, never to be rediscovered. For a lucky few though, it is what it seems, a harbinger to a lifetime of wedded bliss.
Stephen - Have my baby Trinity please? I want to start trying for a family with you.