The world, I live.
The way, I lived.
The woe, I will live.
Time matters, so does Love?
I can clearly see the verge of heaven, from 25th floor. I came to know death is the only way that can unfetter the soul from body’s suffering.
The chilling breeze fondles my hair. For the last time, I closed my eyes to remind his smiling face. His radiant smile, which made me fall twice. The pearly gates opened for me, my soul. To peace.
2 years back,
Life was simple. No drama. No dilemma.
Fact, what can be interesting in a 27 year old plain girl’s life.
It all started by an anonymous intervention, disturbed my lifeless life.
Déjà vu means feeling which we already experienced the present situation. Usually it occurs rare.
The first time, when I experienced this was, the day after I turned 27. But slightly different.
The same routine. The same feeling. The same atmosphere.
Tasting the same situation, twice.
I grew confused on its realness. I tried to react different but the result ended the same. It just duplicated my present and fabricated my feelings.
Couldn’t break the chain.
Couldn’t distinguish which is real, the present or the déjà vu.
Driven to its bewildering side effects.
One thing was crystal clear that it’s not a fake memory from my confused brain. So It can be anything, recollection of past-life memory or soul anamnesis.
Eventually, I coped to live with it.
Days rolled on, I got promoted from assistant professor to associate professor.
I live by myself, so I don’t have the pleasure to share this to anyone. No family nor friends. Raised in an orphanage. At 17, I became independent and took care of myself.
Gia, my pet dog. The only one who waits for me to return.
Being an orphan taught me, ‘Nothing is permanent, even ourselves’
Months went by, the chain kept repeating.
Sometimes, the over dose of replication, shuts my brain. Which often results in, unconsciousness and fainting. Visiting the hospital became a routine.
Strange thing is that, it worked for all the people. All people means everyone, even the stranger who crosses me in the street. Every single people which my eyes can capture, was replicated.
My blissful inhibition. My fresh memory.
He was the only new thing that happened, in my real life.
One regular day, at the cafeteria, I was eating my lunch and revising the notes for the next class.
A manly voice asked me, “Can I sit here?”
Unknowingly I nodded my head. He sat on the opposite chair of mine. Soon, I realised that I didn’t experience any déjà vu about him.
I stood up in shock. On seeing him, my heart was about to explode in happiness.
He looked at me and asked, “Miss, Are you alright?”
His wavy black hair. His lush green eyes. His quelling aura. Everything about him, grasped my silly eyes.
I looked into his eyes and stammered, “I… I am fi..fine”
For the first time, I found peace inside my head.
I secretly stared him, while eating. His rough voice and formal clothes, confirmed that he is not a student.
He caught me and asked, “Have we met before?”
I said, “Thankfully No”
His eyes squinted. I abruptly said something, without thinking.
He chuckled, “Am I being that lousy?”
His sharp gaze made me nervous, “No, Sorry, I meant… I meant that I was being thankful for not meeting you earlier, if not how I… ”
He noticed my fluster and smiled radiantly.
“I am Olive”
That radiant smile lured my fragile heart.
“Nyx… Beautiful name”
His gaze shifted to my notes and asked, “Are you a student?”
I softly chuckled and asked, “A student? Do I look that young?”in my soft fragile voice.
He said, “Yah….or.. maybe I got misguided by those juvenile eyes which kept staring mine?”in a smitten tone.
I got embarrassed and said, “ Flirty!”
“I was just stating the true fact, yet you call me ‘Flirty’”
I asked him a defensive question, “Then how can I brand a stranger who talks this cheesy?”
“Oh, right! Let’s have a proper introduction, I am Olive Delbert, An Environmental scientist, currently working as visiting professor, now your turn”
Do I really have to introduce myself? I don’t even know him. He is a stranger.
Yet, A real stranger in my prerecorded brain.
I am confused.
He looked at me with his eager eyes. His willful gaze, once again defeated me.
“Nyx, History professor”in my feeble voice.
After a moment of silence, he asked me, “Is that all?”
I said, “Yes”
The innocent me, asked him,“What were you expecting, Mr. Delbert?”
He again sighed and said, “You are so boring, Nyx”
I was like, ‘What?’
His mean words provoked me, to avoid him.
He stood up and took his plate.
Glut comes with a price. In my case, its with happiness.
Harmony changed to heartache. I continued my eating.
“But my favourite kind of boring”
I got surprised and looked him. His face beamed with a bright smile.
He winked and said, “Let’s catch up. See you soon!!”
The days flew, its been exactly a month, after meeting him.
After that day, I never saw him again, my real stranger.
That day, he stopped that unsettling time in my world.
Apparent mind with fresh memory.
Felt alive, after long time.
I want to see him. I miss, his soul-piercing gaze, his playful words, his calming demeanour, mainly him.
After finishing my lectures, I was on my way, to the next class.
Suddenly, someone held my hand, it was Olive.
On seeing him again, I felt euphoric.
He never fails to nab me.
I fell deep into his spellbound green eyes.
With his manly voice, he asked me, “I want to talk. Are you free after your classes?”
His voice captivated me, unknowingly I nodded my head.
He gave me his tantalising smile, “Good. I will be waiting for you in front of the gate”
I broke out from his spell and replied, “Sorry, I made some plans with Jasy”
Jasy is my fellow professor.
He looked my eyes and clicked his tongue. He came closer and placed a gentle kiss on my lips.
“Waiting for you!”
He left, after making my mind, a mess.
You can ask me, why I didn’t push him? Because I couldn’t even move a nerve from the surprise attack.
My face turned beet red from shock.
I ran away to rest room. I touched my lips and recalled his words. After washing my face for 101 time, I went to my class.
Would you guys believe that it was my first kiss?
I was just kidding. My first kiss was with my high school fellow for exchange of 10 dollars. That time, I was at the brink of poverty with 2 days of hunger, so couldn’t restrain myself from that cheap deal.
I still regret, on my actions. But the meal that I ate with 10 dollars, will be my forever best meal.
Reckless youth. Best lessons with worst experiences.
The dawn approached. The time to meet him has arrived.
Already I have many confusions to deal with. Now, he is trying to get top on the list.
After taking my things, I started to walk towards the gate.
Never been this anxious. Strangely, my stomach felt weird. Is this how it feels when you are infatuated?
When I was young, living was difficult for me. I strived hard to overcome it. I didn’t have time for this frilly feelings.
So it’s my first time, feeling something called love.
For me, Love is a luxury not a necessity.
Cause, Life is a plain cake with sweet icing called Love.
Some can decorate, some can’t.
There, he stood. With a radiant smile which filters my messy mind.
On seeing me, he came closer.
He asked me, “So?”
My face showcased dumbness. (Ok, I admit, I am dumb)
In my timid confused tone, I asked him, “So?”
He grinned and asked, “Can we go somewhere to talk?”
After seeing truth in his eyes, I softly nodded my head.
He gleamed in epiphany and directed me to his car.
Pause, Going out with someone you don’t know? That too, a guy?! I gonna blame myself, if anything goes wrong. But his eyes spoke truth to me.
Soon, we reached the beach.
A resplendent view of sun set. A romantic twilight sky. A calming breeze.
We strolled along the waves. Still, both of us, didn’t utter a word.
Silence won over us. That pure silence, was still bliss to me.
He broke it and said, “Sorry, it was impolite of me, to kiss you earlier”
I didn’t know, how to react. Should I say, ‘it’s ok’, no, its best to remain silent. Somehow, both mean the same. So I remained silent.
He stopped walking and said, “Nyx..”
I turned around and looked him.
“Nyx, I want to know more about you”
After a short pause, he said, “The day I met you, till now, You have been on my mind constantly. I like you. I want you in my life”
Accidentally I said, “Cliché”
My anxiety reached its peak and sprouted, “No, no. It’s my first proposal. It was good. I too feel the same way. I was about to say…”
He cupped my cheeks and asked, “Nyx, Will you?”
His shiny eyes and his spellbinding gaze, once again, defeated me.
I stammered, “Ye.. yes”
He screamed in joy where I blushed in joy.
That’s how our relationship budded.
Gradually, we started to bloom, by opening our true ourselves to each other. We found the peace that we both longed, by healing each other’s void.
We corrected the indifferences and vowed to take things fair.
We nurtured it, with love, care, trust and little bit of lust (A big lie. Ok, as Olive is very playful. We often make out in the staff room, sometimes at empty classroom)
But my dreary brain is playing sick games with me.
I am aching.
I am losing.
I am forgetting.
Strangely, my memory capacity was degrading. But I still experience those duplications.
I came to know, my sassy brain started to delete my memories that I shared with him. Only about him, as a whole.
Slowly, it’s disappearing. It’s fading. It’s pushing me to drown in nullity.
My heart aches from pain easing pain.
I want to scream, shout, but what’s the use?
Internal wounds can’t be healed with physical emotions.
The time kept ticking faster. I created ways to leave his memories behind to cherish, through, photos, journals. Yet, nothing will surpass, the present.
Today, Olive reminded me, It’s been eight months, since we have been together, after his proposal. Currently, we both live together. Like 2 month ago, I shifted to his place with Gia. But still I haven’t said anything about my ‘issue’. I fear that, he may presume it differently.
It’s 2 am, my habit of star gazing with him. At the balcony, with a cup of hot chocolate, rejoicing the fathomless sky.
I mustered up confidence to confess them, my truth.
I silently asked him, “ I have something to confess. Can I ?”
He pinched my nose and said, “A secret, unshared this long. I am all my ears”
“What if, I say, my whole life is like experiencing a déjà vu.
And You are the only new memory in such life?”
He chuckled and said, “What If. I hate the most, It pleads uncertainty. I like now, the present. See, now, we are enjoying, do I have to think about the future and spoil the enjoyment of today?”
I twined his fingers into mine and said, “Olive, please answer me”
He softly caressed my cheeks and said, “A tricky question, my dear. Hmm..I would feel special, as you would treasure me like a rarest gem. I would like to create more memories with you! And keep loving you till I die”
On seeing his innocence, while answering, made me cry.
He asked me, “Did I make you that emotional?”
I smiled and said, “Yes, on cloud nine. Thank you for loving
me this much. I love you!”
“What has gone inside you?!”
He hugged me tight and kissed my forehead, “I will always love you, Nyx”
His warmth soothed my pain which kept inevitably harassing
I want to stay like this, in his arms forever.
The days rolled. Visit to hospital became more frequent.
On valentines day, I got admitted. As my brain couldn’t withstand the pressure, which tried to mix my fresh ones with the illusions.
Never saw such petrified emotion in Olive’s face.
With his cracking voice, he said, “Baby, I am afraid”
I forced a smile and said, “I am fine, Olive. Just a headache”
He raged in anger, “Don’t lie to me. They don’t admit you for a mere headache”
He held my hand and begged, “Tell me you are fine Please….Please…”
His anger turned into tears.
My Affliction struck the grief inside him. I am helpless.
God, I pray you only one thing. Please don’t make Olive suffer.
That night, Olive brought the Valentine’s Day to me.
A surprise candle light dinner at the ward.
He asked me, “Surprise!! How is it?”
I was in happy tears.
With his radiant smile, he started to vanish, in front of me.
He said, “I love…”
I tried to stop.…
Soon, I got up from my bed in shock. It was a dream.
The ward nurse asked me, “ Are you alright, Nyx?”
I nodded my head.
I asked her, “ Where is Olive? The man who took care of me”
She replied, “Sorry, I never saw a man, in your room”
I was confused and searched for him around the hospital. I felt like everyone is lying about his existence.
I lost him.
On second thought, Maybe, like in my dream….
No, It can’t be. He didn’t vanish. He promised me that he won’t leave me. His photos and the journals too vanished. No, this can’t be true.
I screamed in pain and fainted from stinging heartache.
Soon, weeks passed.
My motivation to live, crumbled into pieces of sin.
Living became a burden, each day without him.
My sanity still can’t accept the fact that Olive disappeared.
Yet his radiant smile, still haunting me down.
I can feel his presence, his warmth, is still alive, inside me.
Everything about him, became an irrecoverable tattoo in my mind.
Invisible fire kindled me, every hour, every minute, every second.
Pain, every inch of mine, was painted with it.
Agony whispered to me, “The only remedy is, death”
Death, the sweet medicine, which I need now.
Sorry to myself for hurting.
Sorry to Olive for being a coward.
(This is a fictional biopic of a woman suffering from Schizophrenia)
NOTE: Nyx is the nick name of Nyah Carter, she was admitted at hospital, when she was 23. She was never an orphan nor a professor to begin with. The nurse she asked earlier, was her own mother. Due to her parents divorce, her mental health collapsed drastically. And Olive, Gia all are her imaginary characters.
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