To Love A Little, To Hurt A Lot

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Chapter 2: The Destruction

My mind was all over the place. I couldn't believe how easily I had fallen for him. I had only met him once at the park.

It was a very hot day and I was pissed at my mother... maybe that's why I can't get him off my mind.

I wrote down on my diary, trying to force myself to believe every word. That was my only destruction with everything at home spiralling out of hand. My dad finally decided to leave and mom just couldn't process that. So, she burnt all his clothes and cash. Dad left anyway.

I wanted this to happen. I supported it, a hundred percent but I never thought that it meant abandoning me too. It's been a week since he left. He never bothered to say goodbye or to at least try and reach me. To avoid this depression, I've been trying not to think about it. Every attempt at that has failed so far... except for Him. When he is in my mind, he occupies the entire space such that I don't even have the time to think about my messed up life.

Today being the first day of the third term, I needed a destruction. My mother woke up extremely early to prepare my breakfast. She always did this before she resigned from her job. Before everything spiralled down. She used to make home a really fun place to be.

But today, I was sad for her. I couldn't tell her that she was trying too much. That she was giving in more than she should. I also wondered why she felt bad about dad's leaf, I thought that was all she wanted. For stupid dad to leave.

She had baggy eyes and looked like she had no sleep. I felt the urge to ask her if she was good but I didn't need her bad energy, especially so early in the morning. So, I just played along to her 'nothing's changed' game and went off to school.

School was a another world for me. I had the best friends that the world could offer and did exceptionally well in my studies. Everything, unlike home, was the dream.

"You know Chris?" Lebo nudged me as we walked out of the English class.

"Would you please stop that already!" I said as I quickly moved away from her,

"Have you seen Chris' friend?"

"Who? Ken?" Londo jumped up from behind us, surprising us.

"Who's Ken?" I asked, absent mindedly

"Oh my God, Bel! I can't believe that you allowed yourself to miss all that eye action..." Londo said as she pulled both me and Lebo into a hug.

"What are you talking about?" I asked,

"Kenneth? Chris' new mysterious friend?" When Lebo mentioned his name, my whole face started burning up. My palms started feeling sweaty. The worst part about all these sensations was that I knew exactly why they occured. I knew that it was my body shutting down after hearing the name of the boy that I spent the whole of last week fantasizing about. I swallowed a bit, just to give myself time to finally respond.

"I've met him... I don't think he's that great guys." I half smiled and I noticed them staring at me awkwardly,

"But he likes you. It was very clear," Lebo said,

"Heck, even the teacher noticed!" Londo interjected, she was busy trying to look at my face that I was constantly hiding, together with it's shame, "But even if he liked her, he's got a girlfriend." My heart shuttered at that sentence. It was like the universe betrayed me, I fell for the wrong guy.

"Guys!" I shouted, surprising Lebo, Londo and everyone who was walking around us, "I came to school to get an education and to make great friends. So far, I've been doing a great job. Let's keep it at that, right?" Lebo and Londo just nodded. They looked like they didn't believe what I just said. I understood them because I couldn't convince myself either.

I walked alone from school to home. It was a very short walk. It was the most conflicted walk I've ever had. It was as if I was mentally preparing myself for the awful place that I was going to.

I saw Kenneth from the distance ans my heart beat harder than usual. I kept reminding myself in my head, he has a girlfriend... he has a girlfriend... you really need another hobby... I just hoped that no one noticed the fear on my face.

As I was walking, it was as if he felt me and started walking as slowly as possible. My mind wanted to stop and see where this would go but my heart led the way, I walked faster than I'd ever had and it was towards him. There was no stopping or thinking about it.

"Hey there..." I said to him as I panted for breath. I was sure that I looked stupid but I was too bold to care.

"Belinda!" He exclaimed, I could see joy in his eyes. I thought I imagined it.

"You live close by?" I asked, still trying to cover up my panting which proved further how infit I was.

"Yes." I just smiled and quickly looked away from his eyes to my shoes, noticing how dirty they were and wondering if he noticed.

"I live near by too, with my mother." I said, reminding myself of the sadness I was going to.

"I know, Chris told me. I was hoping to into you." I couldn't stop smiling at my feet

"Never thought that Chris liked me..." I broke out into awkward laughter, "Ever!"

"Whoa Bel! Slow down," I felt very nervous amd ashamed at the same time, "I was the one who asked." I half smiled at him, and I saw a spark of light in his eyes. Like I had made his day. That was the downside of fantasies, it was very hard to distinguish between it and reality sometimes.

Home was too close to school, but this was the longest walk I had. It was a breath of fresh air. We spoke about everything. From the less insignificant things like bread spread preferences to more important things like global warming. We had a very few things in common but that just made me more attracted to him. But as much as I wanted that, I kmew that it would never happen. He had a girlfriend and I had a reputation to keep. I was the perfect girl who never conformed to the societal standards of teenage love. To face the truth, I was both miserable at home and at school, it was just more evident at home because that was the only place where I could truly be free.

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