Is This Love Book 2: Losing Yourself

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Chapter 13: The BBQ

I wake up to Samantha still sleeping with her arm over me. She looks so peaceful; without a care in the world. I can’t imagine where I would be without her. I would still be in this room, I’m sure.

This is the first time in a long time I’ve felt completely at ease. It’s all thanks to you. I watch Samantha sleep. Her chest is rising and falling at a steady pace. “What did I ever do to get you? You’re amazing. I hope you know that.” I whisper to her and kiss her forehead.

She stirs slightly and relaxes again. I could watch her sleep forever. I hope you never leave me.

You left her, remember. You hurt her. You don’t deserve her. You’re too happy. This isn’t real.

No, no. It is real. I know it is.

Samantha wakes and looks at me with her groggy, grey eyes. “Morning, My Pet.” She mumbles to me.

“Good morning, My Queen. I hope I didn’t wake you.”

She removes her arm and stretches. “No, I’m up on my own. Who knew such a small bed would be so comfortable.” She jokes.

“It’s not that small! Of course it’s not the California King that you have. But I like it. I felt closer to you all night long in this tiny full-sized bed.” I joke back.

“Okay, you with the tiny bed, get over here.” She opens her arms and beckons me back into them.

I willingly slide back into her arms as she holds me. This is nice. I think it is the first time she’s held me like this without having sex first. I mean we had sex last night, and it was amazing, but I like this just as much. She’s chosen to hold me close first thing in the morning.

“I love you.” She whispers and squeezes me tighter.

I feel like my heart just melted. “I love you too, Samantha.” I say through the biggest grin I’ve ever had. This is where I want to be. This is where I need to be.

“We should get up. I’d like to help your dad if that’s possible.”

“You want to win him over, you mean.” I laugh.

“Something like that.” She responds.

I sit up and stretch. Wow, still sore from last night. was so good.

We take turns in the small bathroom getting ready, wishing it was bigger.


‘When are you going to be at my parents house?’ I text Jack.

‘I’m actually going there today. Why, what’s up?’

‘No shit, Sherlock. I’m here and wanted to talk with you.’

‘In that case, I’ll be there soon.’

Half an hour later, Jack rolls up in his unmistakable truck that’s clanking down the driveway.

“Hey there.” I say as the piece of rust comes to a halt.

“Hey yourself. What’s up?”

“Oh, so much. I’m so much happier now. It’s all thanks to you.”

“No problem, I didn’t do much though. I can tell you’re happier. You are beaming with it. I’m practically being blinded right now.” He pokes at me to see if I’ll bite.

“Oh really now? I guess you won’t need these then!” I hop half through the window and grab his keys from the ignition.

“Apparently, I don’t need ’em now. It’s great to have you back, Ily.” He says sincerely and exits his truck.

“I didn’t go anywhere, dude.”

“Your head did though. You practically ignored me for 9 months. You could have had a baby and I would have never known!”

I punch his shoulder. “Ha, I don’t think so. And I was lost. Most days I’m normal. I don’t want to be how I was again.”

“You admitting that is a huge step. You thought there was no problem and everything was good before. I’m glad Samantha was able to help save you, none of us would have really known what to do.”

“I owe her everything.”

“You two are meant to be together, you know? It’s one of those things that are set in stone. Keep fighting for yourself and her, Ily.” Jack embraces me.

“Alright man, I will. I don’t need you oozing all over me!”

“Oozing?” He questions.

“Yeah, you oozing, with your mushy-gushy heart.”

“Are you afwaid of catching feewings?” He whines in a voice you’d talk to a baby with.

“Get out of here!” I laugh and push him.

“You’re the one who wanted me here so bad to talk. What did you want to talk about?”

“I’d prefer to talk in a more comfortable location. Not standing in the driveway.”

“Okay, well, how about the swing?”

“No, too public. How about we go lay in the field like we used to?” I suggest.


We walk slowly to the edge of the hay field and pat down an area to lay in.

This brings me back. All of my life’s pondering has been done in this field. Although, now that I think about it, high school issues are nothing compared to what I’ve learned and experienced in the last year.

Oh, there’s so much more to me now. Never would I have thought that I’d give in to someone and be their submissive...and like it! I love it more than anything. In those moments, my worries are washed away and replaced with pleasure.

“What’s on your mind, Ily?”

What can I tell him? Can I disclose how Samantha and I really are? What would he think about that?

“I’m scared.”

“Of what? Did something happen?” Jack asks.

“No, nothing happened. I’m just scared because everything is going great right now.”

“Shouldn’t that make you happy?” can I word this better to explain my fears.

“I’m afraid that it’s like the calm before the storm. Everything is going good in my life right now. I have Samantha back, I re-enrolled in college, my parents are starting to accept me and Samantha. My mental health is better. I’m scared because I feel like something is going to happen.”

“So you’re worried and afraid about something that doesn’t exist?” He tries to grasp what I’m saying.

“I guess. But my gut tells me something is going to happen. And knowing me, it’s going to be my fault.”

“You can’t live like that, Ily. There is no way to predict the future. And every relationship has bumps in the road.”

“You don’t get all of it…her ex was perfect...she never called me perfect.” I explain my concern.

“I don’t know how someone can be perfect, but I’m sure that she doesn’t feel that way about her ex anymore. If that was still true, she would be with her and not you. You are what is true and better than what she has had. Ily, you are one of the most amazing people I know. You are so caring and gentle.”

“Thanks...I guess that makes sense.” Maybe I am better than her ex’s. There must have been a good reason for their relationship to end. Plus, Victoria is at a cashier job now.

She’s better than you, at least she has a job, what do you do? Nothing. There’s no way you could provide for her or support her.

Stop. Stop. She doesn’t need anyone to provide for her. She is independent, she doesn’t need me to make money for her. She needs love, not material things. You have all the love and acceptance to give to her.

“What else is up?” Jack asks.

“I don’t know...our relationship isn’t like a normal one. I mean it kind of is, but there’s way more to it. I don’t know how to explain it really. She is like this all powerful person in every way, and I’m just a farm girl. There’s no way I compare with some of the high profile people she could have.”

“Maybe she doesn’t want a high profile person. Maybe she just wants a real and true relationship. She will get that with you. You don’t gain status or fame from being with her. You just get her. I mean you might end up getting that, but it’s not your intention or goal.”

It wasn’t my intention for fame. She drew me in with her confidence and intimidation. She sought me out. Why did she do that? I was no one, I am no one compared to her. Yet, she still chose me. She chose me. I’m what she wants. But what if she needs more? Does she need a submissive all the time? Am I willing to make that change? Can I give up my will to her completely? Will that change my relationships with everyone else?

Ugh...I want to talk with Jack about this...but the contract said I can’t without permission. I’ll text and ask. I need his input, even if he doesn’t understand us, I know he knows me.

I text Samantha asking for permission to speak with Jack vaguely about our dom/sub relationship.

“You may be right Jack, I do have more to talk about, but I just need a minute.”

“Take your time. I’ll still be here.”

We stare at the passing clouds in silence until my phone buzzes from Samantha’s text, allowing me to talk with him.

“ you know about...umm...dominant people and submissives in relationships?” I ask nervously.

“I guess so, there’s a lot of stuff people do...wait…. You mean Sam’s your dom?”

How did he guess that? And why would he think she is the dom in our relationship?

“How did you know?”

“Ily, I wasn’t born yesterday. I see the way you wait for her lead and approval. I bet even now, you had to see if it’s okay to talk about this.”

“Yeah…well, since that’s cleared up. I’m scared I’m not good enough. I have a strong will and want certain things she isn’t used to.” I explain.

“Everyone learns, changes, and adapts to life. I am completely positive that you two will find a happy medium.”

“I hope you’re right. But I don’t think she needs to change…gods, she’s perfect. I love her so much. I just don’t want anything bad to happen between us.”

“It’s normal for couples to go through difficult things and argue. It doesn’t have to be a yelling argument, but disagreements happen all the time. A vital part in any relationship is learning to talk about it and understand where the other is coming from.” Jack speaks his wisdom freely. He always knows what to say to help me feel better.

“Thanks Jack. You’re the best. It’s probably time we should go back and help. Samantha’s been alone with my parents, helping all of this time.”

“Man, that’s a scary thought, let’s go rescue her.”


When we return, Samantha is wearing a normal t-shirt and some jean shorts. I’ve never seen her look so normal. Gods, she’s still hot.

Samantha’s back is to us, I motion to Jack to be quiet and start sneaking up behind her. She must really be focused, she hasn’t even looked up.

Oh this is going to be good. When I reach Samantha, I grab her hips and yell, “Hey!”

Samantha jumps about a foot in the air. “Fuck!” She turns around to see my beaming face.

The front of her is covered in BBQ sauce. “You scared the shit out of me, Ily. I almost lost all the ribs to the ground!” She scolds me.

“It looks like you already lost them to your shirt.” I tease.

“How about we share the look?” She grabs me and squishes her sticky clothes against mine in an embrace.”

“You know, we’re both going to have to change before everyone gets here.” I say as we pull apart and my clothes are now dirty.

“I can live with that.”

“What have you been doing? How did you get so messy anyways?”

“Apparently, I’m basting. I take this sauce here,” she picks up the baster. “And rub it over everything.” She swings it in my direction.

A fresh, wet line of sauce runs across my shirt and face. “I can’t believe that you just did that! Now I need a shower too.”

“Sounds like a personal problem.” She retorts.

Oh, it will be your problem too, in no time.

I wait for Samantha to baste the ribs again and I grab a spoonful of beans. Gods, this is going to turn out bad…

I quickly pour the spoonful down the back of her shirt. “It looks like you’ll be joining in the shower fun also.”

“Really? Did you just do that?” She empties her hands and faces me, there is a playful, yet deadly look in her eyes.

I really did it this time.

She grabs a hold of me and walks me over to the table, before I could object, a spoonful of potato salad was on top of my head with her hand squishing it in. “I’m so glad you’re in a playing mood. I’ll be able to change that in a heartbeat.”

She winks at me and puts her potato salad fingers to my mouth. “Open.” She demands.

I open my mouth to start licking and sucking her fingers clean. Fuck, I didn’t want to get excited. The heat starts surging through me.

“Alright, alright. I’ll finish up, you guys go clean yourselves up.” Jack says.

Shit, I forgot he was here…or anyone was here...what if my parents saw that?

“We can do that.” Samantha grabs my hand and leads me inside.

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