Is This Love Book 2: Losing Yourself

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Chapter 18: The Past

“Oh, her ex, yes of course that’s me. But not just once, many times. Before she made it big in the movies she would beg and plead for me to take her back, at least for just one more night. Isn’t it so cute how she still freezes when she sees me?” She laughs and says full of herself.

Jesus fuck...I mean Jear Desus. Can I punch her, is that allowed? I don’t know why it wouldn’t be.

I turn to look at Samantha and notice that she still hasn’t moved. It’s like she is completely iced over. Man, I’m sure it shocked her just as much as me. This woman had no right to kiss her! I don’t care who she used to be to Sam. She’s obviously not that now. She’s with me!

“Well, I think you forget the EX part. She doesn’t want you back, nor will she. She’s different now. You wouldn’t be able to satisfy her needs, you pathetic cunt. I’m guessing you just prey on the weak and innocent to get whatever reactions you want.” I spit back at her.

“Is that so? If I’m the one who preys on the innocent and weak, it seems like Sam is still that. I’m sure she is also still the sweet little Romanian girl who falls too hard and gets crushed too easily. And seeing that you guys chose to come here, I haven’t preyed on anyone. You came to my domain; I rule here.”

“You will call her Samantha. Whatever prior relationship you had with her is just that; prior. You will treat her with respect and professionalism by using her full name.” I defend Samantha and my name for her.

“Okay, whatever your name is. But just look at her, she still hasn’t moved. How can I respect her when she can’t even speak around me? It’s just so pathetic.”

I’ve fucking had it!

“You’re the one who’s pathetic!” Before I could stop myself, my hand whips across Alexandra’s face and she gasps placing her hand on the red welt I just created. “Don’t you fucking ever talk to her again.” I threaten.

“Or what? Are you going to slap me again?” She taunts and stands up straight again.

“I may not be as pretty as you, but I’m a farmer’s daughter and I know I can beat your ass. I’ve won many fights before. Just me glad I slapped you instead of punched. If I’d punched you I’m sure you’d be missing teeth” I half jump at her and she flinches in response. I don’t know if I could actually beat her, or anyone else. It must have been a convincing lie though. She sure looks scared now.

I lean to Samantha’s ear, “My Queen.” I whisper and she blinks at me in confusion.

“Let’s go, Sam.” I say loudly and loop my arm in hers and lead her outside.


“That was so intense! I freaking slapped her! Oh, I have so much adrenaline! Whoo, I’m feeling good!” I shake my arms and jump around a little when we get outside. Fuck, is Sam okay? What happened to her back there? “Are you okay?”

Samantha shakes her head in disbelief. “Yeah. I have no idea why I froze. I didn’t know she would be here, I haven’t even spoken to her since I started acting in movies. The second I saw her, my mind flew back to fifteen years ago and my body just stood still. That was so weird, I’m sorry, I wasn’t much help back there.”

“I didn’t know what to think while witnessing that. It’s like you were vulnerable and she was going to take advantage of you.” I say.

“I’m sorry, Ileana. That shouldn’t have happened. It won’t happen again.” She spoke as if her words were as cold as icicles. I can see how hard her mind is at work. I wish I knew what she was thinking about.

“So, can you tell me about exactly where you went?” I ask quietly.

“Yeah, let’s get in the car and get a few miles away first.”

With the theater in the distance, I watch Samantha’s face start to relax. I place my arm on her uptight shoulders and lightly squeeze letting her know I’m right here.

“Alright. I suppose I will start at the beginning. Alexandra was the first person I fell in love with. She was also the first relationship I had in America.” She took a deep breath and continues, “It wasn’t a clean break. She left me and I was destroyed, however we still hung out with the same crowd so I would run into her occasionally. I still wanted her, and she would pursue me, we would have sex and she’d be gone in the morning. Each time, I thought I could win her back. Nothing I did worked, and I’m glad I was pulled out of that bad spiral by fame.”

“That sounds rough. And she seems like a terrible person.”

“She didn’t used to be that bad. She was normal and nice with me. However, she changed when we split up the first time. She became crazed with wanting to advance her career and become famous. I was just a casualty along the way for her.”

“You didn’t deserve to be treated like that.” I try comforting her.

“I know, but I couldn’t move past it. I closed myself off to everything and everyone. That allowed me to get into character better when I acted and I was believable in all of my performances. I was contacted by an agent who promoted me and got me into a couple movies.”

“At least you can thank her for that.”

Samantha pulls onto an old road and drives a little too fast for the dirt and drifts around the small bends in the road.

I grab for something to hang onto, “Jeez, do you have a death wish? You’re going way too fast for this road.”

“If that’s how you feel then…” she trails off and revs the engine again increasing the angle on her next drift.

“Oh my God, you’re not a race car driver!” I shout as I fail to keep upright in my seat. “I’m serious, slow down!”

The car slows and she smiles at me, “You’re cute when you’re scared.”

“Uh, thanks. But we could have just died. I did not like that at all Samantha.”

“Breathe, My Pet. We didn’t die, and this road isn’t used much. Or at least it wasn’t the last time I’ve been here.”

“Where’s here?”

“A spot I used to go to to clear my head. We will be there in a couple of minutes.”

The car pulls to a stop. When we step out, I take a deep breath of fresh air. Samantha walks around the car and grabs my arm. “This way, My Pet.”

She leads me down a small path on the reddish brown canyon rocks. We reach an opening and the Colorado River is below us. The sight is beautiful and nature at its best. The water runs through the dark canyon walls and has some vegetation along the left river bank.

“This is amazing.” I say taking in the sight.

Samantha sits on a rock and pulls me down into her lap while wrapping her arms around me. “Where were we?” Samantha asks.

“I don’t know. You’ve distracted me with your warmth and the view.”

She nuzzles her face into my neck and kisses it. She’s so cuddly right now. I wonder if the things from earlier made her feel this way. Maybe she’s feeling bad about it and needs the affection, just as much as I do.

With that thought, I turn and kiss her slow and passionately.

When our lips part, Samantha speaks, “I think I’ll continue on with what happened after I started acting in movies.”

“Okay, I’m all ears.” I say as I cuddle in close with my head on her shoulder and listen intently while watching the river slowly progress in the canyon below.

“I shut myself off from relationships and the world around me. I was not in a good place mentally. I was looking for any type of release or coping mechanism. That’s when I found a BDSM dungeon with the help of another actress leading me there. I was instantly intrigued and desired this lifestyle. I started taking courses and learning what I could from some local dominatrixes.”

“That must have been fun.” I say at the idea of a young Samantha being introduced to BDSM.

“I was probably about your age when I got into it as well. Once I was comfortable enough to try it out I had some experienced subs work with me and teach me all about how to portray myself around them. I really loved the power I felt and I became my true self. Since then, I have had many subs, most I kept for about a year. I have always been strict and uninvolved romantically since Alexandra.”

“So, she was the first love and she broke you so bad that you closed off from the world. Because of that, you excelled at acting and found your true lifestyle?” I sum up everything she’s been talking about in a couple sentences.

“That’s right, My Pet. When I met you, I knew I wanted you. I wanted a romantic relationship with you. I didn’t just want sex or to dominate you. I didn’t know how to date anymore because I blocked it out for about ten years.”

“That’s why you’re so awkward.” I laugh at her.

“Hey now, you better watch your language, young lady.”

“Or what?” I say playfully.

“Or I will show you who’s boss. And I don’t accept negative talk from anyone. I will make sure to punish your behavior.” She says strictly but with a light tone.

I close my eyes as a surge of excitement flows through me. Yes, punish me, My Queen. I long for you and your power over me. “I’d like that.” I smile and kiss her neck.

“I bet you would, My Pet. I love you so much, all of you. Especially the submissive part, but also your defiance.”

“I love you too, My Queen. But...”

“But, what?” She questions.

“But I love your laugh too.” And I tickle her armpits making her laugh and try to restrain me.

“No, My Pet. Stop.” She says strictly. I ignore her and giggle while tickling her some more.

She laughs and finally restrains me so I can’t tickle her anymore. “You are so going to be punished when we get home.”

That’s what I want.

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