Is This Love Book 2: Losing Yourself

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Chapter 6: The Admission

It’s been two days since I came to Samantha’s. She lets me sleep in her room on the comfortable bed. I’m sure she’s sleeping in her guest room, but I honestly don’t know. She is always awake and there for me at all moments.

I have never had someone be so attentive to me. She doesn’t ever force me to eat or talk bad about anything.

My mood has started to level off since I’m no longer in the negative atmosphere of my parents’ house.

Samantha occasionally asks if I want a sip of her shake, usually I agree.

I don’t want to say no to her. I can control myself for her.

You don’t need to do anything for her. You can leave and handle everything on your own. You won’t even need to take sips of anything anymore. You can make choices that are completely for you.

“Good morning.” Samantha hollers from the living area. She must have heard the commotion of me getting dressed. I have never felt material as soft as these pajamas.

“Morning.” I acknowledge her.

I don’t know if things will ever get back to how they were. She tries to act normal around me, but I notice the sadness in her eyes. She can’t hide the pain from me.

I messed up, I hurt her, I don’t deserve her. I deserve the pain I feel.

I feel more pain now. My heart aches and yearns for Samantha to complete me.

You can help yourself with that. If I take no sips of shakes today, my emotional pain will start to dissipate and I will be in control again.

I don’t want to be in control...I want Samantha in control. I need her in control.

No...I can control myself.

“When you’re ready, please join me.” Samantha requests.

I slowly walk into the living area and see her sitting on the couch. She smiles and motions for me to sit next to her.

I smile. I’m glad I’m here. I don’t have many worries. I can just be.

“I was wondering if you would be okay with having a serious conversation with me?” She asks while offering a sip of her green shake.

It must be all leafy greens today. I can do that.

Control, you need control. Don’t take the sip.

But she offered it to me. I should take a sip for her.

I go against my brain and take a sip. “I suppose.” I respond.

“I have noticed that you’re not eating much. I want you to know that I am here for you, Ileana. No matter what you’re going through, I want to try to understand and be on your side. Do you feel like I understand you right now?”

She’s on my side? She doesn’t know the darkness and the pull it has on me. I can slip away from my environment and forget the pain. How can she understand?

“No.” I respond honestly.

“Can you share with me what I don’t understand?”

“No.”

“I am here for you if you ever want to talk about anything. If you want or need help, I am more than willing to help.”

She won’t understand. She will be mad. She can’t know about everything. I caused this pain for both of us. It’s my fault we are both in pain. It’s my fault we aren’t together.

That’s right. You deserve the pain. You can control yourself. No more today and slip away. Let the hunger become the pain you feel.

But she said she’s there for me. She said she wants to help and understand me. Can I tell her? The more time I’m with her, the more my mind conflicts with itself.

I want to have the relationship we had before. I’m different now though. I feel lost. I don’t even know how she feels about me. What if she moved on while I was back home?

“You don’t have to say much now. Just try to remember I am always here for you.”

“Thanks.” I respond out of habit.

I look at Samantha and still see pain and sorrow within her. I didn’t know I made her so sad. Do I still make her sad?

She offers me another sip. I take the cup. No, don’t take the sip. You are in control. Just because she offers, you don’t have to take it.

I return the cup without taking a sip.

That’s good. I’m in control.

“Would you like ice water instead?” She offers while taking the refused drink.

“Yes, please.”

I’m able to think a little more clearly today. It must be the drink. You don’t need any more sips. You’ll be okay with water.

I hear Samantha stirring the ice water. That’s weird, why would you stir it?

“Why did you stir it?” I question. Maybe she put something in it. Is she trying to drug me?

“It’s to make it all the same temperature.” She explains.

That makes more sense.

I take the water from her and drink half of it within a few seconds. It is all the same temperature.

“Is there anything you would like to share with me, or ask me?”

Why? Why did you want to take care of me? Why do I feel better just being here? Will we ever date again? Why don’t you sleep with me, the bed is big enough? Do you love me? Do you hate me for leaving? Do you hate me for hurting you? Why are you so sad? Are you still in pain?

My brain was flooded with actual questions. I could ask her any of those.

You know the answer to them. Of course she is in pain. You hurt her. You left her. She is pained that you are here. She’s sad just looking at you. You’ll never be good enough for her. You don’t deserve her.

My chest starts hurting and tears flow down my face. Hunger, where are you? Take this away from me.

Samantha pulls me to her chest and comforts me. “It’s okay, My Pet. I know there is a lot going on in your mind. Let it out. I will be here to catch your tears.”

For the first time in six months I am comforted by something other than myself. The pain slowly fades and my breathing returns to a normal pace.

I didn’t need to rely on myself. She reduced the pain. She knew what I wanted. She helped me. She can help me. I should ask her to help. I want to change. I like feeling. I want to feel the happiness she offers.

If you open up, you will get hurt again. You don’t want to get hurt. She’s only here temporarily. You aren’t even dating anymore. She won’t stick around forever. You will be in pain again. You need yourself to maintain control. You don’t need Samantha.

“Since you’re going to be here a while, I have something to show you.”

“What would that be?” I question curiously.

“You’ll see.” She helps me up and leads me by the hand to her spare room.

“Close your eyes.” She says.

I close my eyes thinking of what the surprise could be. I wonder if it’s clothes? She usually had this closet full of new outfits.

I hear her open the door. She tugs on my arm, pulling me forward.

I try and squint my eyes pretending they are still closed to see if there is anything different. The carpet has changed from a solid grey to a maroon and grey floral pattern with tan and dark brown thrown in a diamond pattern around the edges.

We reach what I assume is the center of the room and Sam says, “Open your eyes.”

I follow her direction and I’m astonished by the change. The room used to be a simple and elegant spare bedroom with very little personal touches.

The room was transformed into the most exquisite library I have ever seen. There are many dark brown, hand crafted book shelves on three of the walls. In the far left corner was a stone fireplace with a circular pattern going up to the ceiling. There was a fancy love seat in front of the fireplace.

In the far right corner was a music area. There was a piano and a cello along with music stands and a separate music book case.

The center of the room has a big wooden desk that has intricate work defining all the edges.

Wow. This is so amazing. I wonder when she redid this room. It must have taken at least a month.

Wait, where has she been sleeping since there no longer is a spare room? Maybe she’s sleeping in the fun room.

My mind wanders to one of the many nights we shared together. I love the way she took control of me. I can imagine her smooth hands caressing my body all over.

A shiver runs through me and I smile. I like being commanded. I didn’t have to worry or be anxious about anything. I knew she would take care of me and blow my mind with pleasure every time.

How many hours did I spend resting and waiting to please her? I would give anything for an hour like that.

I long to feel the stinging of a crop against my bare skin. Or even just a little pain for pleasure.

“What are you thinking about? You’re grinning ear to ear.” Samantha observes with a smile of her own.

“I was just wondering...if you slept in the fun room since you changed the spare room to a library.”

“The ‘fun’ room, is that what you call it? I guess everything that happens in it is fun. To answer your question, I have not been sleeping there. To be honest, I haven’t even been in there since you left.” She looks saddened by that realization.

“That’s surprising. Where do you sleep then?”

“Why is that surprising? Last night I fell asleep in front of the fireplace, and the night prior to that, I was on the couch.”

“I just figured you would have been using that room a lot, to cope or something.”

“Oh, I wanted to, but I could never follow through or even think of entering another contract. I felt like it would not be fair.”

My heart flutters at her truthful statement. I’m so relieved she wasn’t with anyone else. She could have been though. Did I really mean that much to her? How bad did I hurt her? Will she ever forgive me? I just want to hug her.

I don’t think I should though. What if she reacts badly?

“So...you just stopped being a dom?” I stupidly ask. Of course she did. She hasn’t been in her dungeon or had a new contract.

“Of course not.” She gave me a seductive look that chilled me to the bone. “I didn’t find anyone suitable for a submissive.”

“What does a suitable submissive look like?” I tease, hoping she picks up on the light tone.

“Well...of course, they have to love Indiana Jones. They would also want to become an archaeologist, otherwise this whole wall of books will go to waste.” She gestures next to the fireplace.

“A whole wall?” I forgot about my dreams. I do want to be an archaeologist. I want to experience and explore the world.

How could I have forgotten that?

Because of the pain I was in. I’m not perfect. I will end up hurting Samantha again. It’s my fault that she’s not herself anymore. My heart starts aching.

“Ily.” I hear Samantha faintly but the voice takes over.

That’s right. You will only cause more pain for the both of you. It’s inevitable. You can only rely on yourself. You won’t hurt ever again. You are in control. Don’t let anyone take the power from you.

“Hey...Ily...Ily...come back to me.” Samantha is standing in front of me with her hand on my cheek.

I close my eyes and lean into her hand. Her skin is so comforting. “I miss you.” I whisper.

“I miss you too. I hope you will start remembering who you are.”

I have started, thanks to you. In the few days I’ve been here, I remember what it was like when I was happy with you. I remember Greece and my dreams of being an archaeologist. I’m slowly gaining my mind back. I’m starting to think about more than the pain and forgetting.

Maybe I do have a problem. I might need help. I don’t want to return to the numbness.

Remember how blissful it was. Remember the ease of slipping away from reality. You didn’t have to focus on anything. Your emotional pain evaporated. There was nothing but a focus on hunger and the strive to be perfect. You’re not perfect yet. You will hurt Samantha, or she will hurt you. You need this. You need to stay in control. Don’t forget about what you did. You don’t deserve her. Even now, she’s caring for you. You don’t deserve this.

“Hey there, welcome back.” Samantha says as my head becomes aware of her presence again.

“Sorry.” I apologize for being distracted.

“It’s okay, hun. I hope one day soon you will tell me what is happening in that head of yours. Nothing you can say will scare me away.” She grins.

“Maybe one day.” She takes me to sit in front of the fireplace and turns the gas flames on with a remote.

“I’m concerned for you Ileana. You have lost the spark of life that I used to see. Occasionally, I see a flicker of it, I know it is somewhere inside of you. Can I be honest with you?”

“Yeah.” Of course I want her to be honest. Why would I want her to lie?

“From your behaviors, I think you have developed an eating disorder.” She says.

No, that can’t be right. I eat. I’m just good at controlling it. When I control it, I am able to block out some pain. She is just jealous. She doesn’t understand anything about me. I just wanted a little help remembering the good times I had with her.

My head swirls for a few minutes before Samantha speaks again. I’m sure my face has shown at least twenty emotions during that time.

“What do you think about that?”

“I...think… you’re wrong.” I say slowly. She has to be wrong.

“I’m concerned for your health because you continue to eat very little, and you ended up in the hospital a couple weeks ago. You’re parents and Jack are concerned about you also. This isn’t a healthy behavior or lifestyle.”

I listen to what she is saying closely. At least I can focus on things better now. I can focus because I’m with Sam. She takes some pressure away.

I’m eating more since I was in the hospital, that was an accident, it just happened. That doesn’t mean I have a disorder. How does she know what I’m doing? She will never understand me.

“Can you talk with me about what’s on your mind?”

“It’s just, I don’t know. You don’t understand.” I burst out quickly.

“Please talk to me about it. I want to understand. I’m here for you Ileana.”

“It helps me not feel.”

“Being hungry?”

I take a deep breath. It’s now or never. “Yes, at first I wanted to lose a little weight to be perfect. I needed to be perfect to get you back. The less I ate, the more pain was blocked. I would zone, drift off, and have moments of bliss. I crave the moments of carefree endorphins. It’s the only thing that makes me feel good.”

“I’m sorry to have...” She starts talking.

I interrupt, “It’s not your fault it’s mine. I messed up and assumed instead of talking with you. I caused you so much pain. I don’t deserve to have you back if that’s something you ever wanted again. I’m just meant to be in pain and deal with it.”

Samantha pulls me into a hug. “Ileana, if I were to choose between never meeting you and enduring the pain I feel, I would choose the pain every time. You changed me. You allowed me to let down my walls and fall in love. I wouldn’t change that for the world. I would gladly endure more pain on your behalf if I could.”

I wrap my arms around her. This is what I want. I want Samantha to relieve my sorrows.

This is only temporary. You don’t need her. You are fine on your own. You are different now. She won’t understand that you don’t desire what you used to. You can’t count on her. If you do, she will eventually let you down.

My head won’t give in, it always rebuttals positive thoughts about Samantha. What if it’s always like this? “I’m scared.” I faintly say.

“Of what, hun?”

“My head and being hurt again. Ever since I came here, it has been getting easier to think. I have a battle going on in my head...I don’t know what to believe.”

“I understand that, we have all had times like that. Would you like help? There are many options available.”

Do I want help? I think I do. It would be nice not contradicting anything positive that happens.

I want to feel different. I want to feel. I remember the connection I once had with Samantha. I feel her deep inside me, just out of reach. Now that she’s near, I think there will be more positive than negative emotions.

At this moment, I understand that I need help. My head is not where it should be, and I have no idea how to help.

“Yes.” I respond to Samantha simply.

“Yes, what?” She asks. And leans away from me.

“Yes, My Queen.” She and I both smile at my words. I have missed her.

“I was meaning more of a ‘yes, I’d like help’ however, ‘yes, My Queen’ also works.” She teases me and we giggle together.

I’m overwhelmed with the happiness inside me. For a moment, I forgot about everything that has happened in the last 8 months. Before I knew it, Samantha’s face drew closer to mine. I close the space between our lips in a tender and much sought after kiss.

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