Is This Love Book 2: Losing Yourself

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Chapter 9: The Idea

“I’ll be okay, I promise. I don’t need anyone to watch me.” I explain to Samantha. She has to go out of town for a few days to deal with some business issues.

“If you feel at all like skipping a meal, let me know. Okay?”

“Yes, I will. You’re going to be late.” I try to hurry her out the door.

“Stay strong. I’m only a phone call away if you need anything. Take care of yourself Ileana.”

“I know, I know. I can do this. I’ve already completed week five in my recovery.”

Samantha gives me a kiss and walks to the door, “I’ll be home before you know it. I love you. I may also have a surprise when I return.”

“I love you too, I can’t wait.”

One day at a time. You got this. You are stronger than you’ve ever been. Food is your friend. It keeps you healthy and alive. It allows you to continue doing what you like.

I start getting ready for the day. Keep to the daily routine. It’s time to wash up and get dressed now.

I make my way to the bathroom and start washing my oily face. I dry my face and look at myself in the mirror. Ugh, I’ve gained so much weight. Look at yourself.

No, I’m okay. I’m healthy. I’m just the way Samantha likes me. I don’t need to be any skinnier. Positive thoughts. I see my hair. It’s still beautiful. And my boobs are kind of nice too.

I try to focus on anything but myself. Ooh, Samantha says she will have a surprise for me. I wonder what it is. She usually isn’t one for surprises. I guess she is though, she gives the surprises, she never takes them. Maybe I can work on a surprise for her too.

What is something I can do for her. What if I got myself some nice lingerie? Oh, or I could do sexy photos for her. She has taken a couple of me in her fancy rope work.

I wonder where she keeps them. Maybe it’s just a digital copy. I could print photos and make an album or something for her. I think that’s what I’ll do. I have to eat and then go to group though. Sam would probably kill me if I missed it.

Do I really need to keep going? I can do this on my own. They don’t teach me that many things. Plus, today is just a check-in with everything to discuss the struggles and accomplishments we made over the weekend.

I have to go, I don’t want to break the cycle and lose myself again. It’s only a couple hours. There is plenty of time to shop afterwards.

I make my way to the kitchen and whip up one of Sam’s shakes. I don’t know why, but it’s way easier to drink food than stare at it and eat it bite by bite. At least this way, I don’t think too much about it.

I take a picture of myself drinking my breakfast and text it to Sam:

‘I’m eating breakfast, My Queen. Just thought I would let you know, so you don’t worry!’

A few seconds later her response chimes on my phone.

‘You are so considerate, My Pet. Good job. I am proud of you.’

I smile like a giddy school girl who got a message from her crush. She really means so much to me. I just wish we were dating already. I know she is mine, but I would feel so much better if it was official.

Maybe that’s her surprise for me? I figured it out! Oh, please don’t let my head ruin the surprise. I don’t want her to think I knew before she gave it. She barely left. Maybe I’m wrong. I hope I’m right though! That would make me so happy!

If I want us to get together, I have to work on me. I should read some archeology books later. I’m glad my dream job hasn’t changed. I’m starting to look forward to going back to school and getting my degree to work. Maybe I should apply to go to school for the spring semester. I already missed fall registration. And I think it would be crazy to jump straight into school right now.

I’ll sign up tomorrow. That will also be a good surprise for Sam. She’s going to be so happy when she returns! I am going to make her proud.

Shit, what time is it? I check the clock. It’s 8:45 AM. It starts in 15 minutes, I have to leave now or I will be late also!

I hurry out the door and make it to group therapy in the knick of time.


Therapy was good today, I was glad to see everyone. I also shared that I was going to sign up for school again. Everyone was so excited for me. I really needed that pick-me-up.

What is the first thing on my list today? I get to go shopping! First, I need a camera.

I take a bus to the strip mall a mile from Samantha’s place. This should be the only bus I need to take today! Thank gods. I’m not a big fan of public transportation, especially when you live in a big city like Las Vegas. There are so many things that you would never want to see that are an inevitable experience.

I make my way to Best Buy and head straight for the cameras. The faster I’m home, the more time I have to perfect the pictures.

There’s so many to choose from. I grab a camera that has a rotating screen. That’s nice. I’m going to get this one. I’ll be able to see what I look like.

I hurry to the register and put down the camera. As I’m trying to find my debit card the cashier says, “No fucking way.”

What kind of customer service is that?

I look up and see Victoria standing at the register in her Best Buy work uniform. Gods, this is a great day!

“You little homewrecker!” She screams at me.

“Whoa, what did I ever do to you?” Why is she so mad at me. I’m sure she’s about to tell me.

“I’m here because of you! You made me lose everything! When you left and broke Samantha’s heart, I kept trying to comfort her like I used to and she fired me for sexual harassment! Now I can’t get a job in the filming industry. I fucking hate you!”

“Uh, good for you. Can I just pay for my camera. You should probably chill out before you lose this job also.” I threaten, unable to hide my joy. Thank you, Samantha.

Victoria groans through the transaction and I leave without saying another word.

I call Samantha to tell her how happy I am that she fired Victoria.

She picks up on the first ring, “Is everything okay?”

“It actually couldn’t be better. I just ran into Victoria. I’m so happy you fired her! I love you so much! Do you know that?” I blurt out as fast as my mind thinks the sentences.

“Yes, I do know that. I love you as well. As for Victoria, she crossed the line, I declined and told her not to do it again, she tried again, so I fired her. It was all her own doing.”

“Do you know she’s working at Best Buy now?” I laugh.

“I did not. That is unfortunate. I’m glad you find humor in it though. Is there anything else that I can help you with?” She responds.

“No, that was all. Thank you! Have fun in your meetings.”

“I’ll try. Stay strong for me.” Samantha says and hangs up.

This is the best day ever!

I walk over to the lingerie store and pick out a few matching sets that I think Samantha will enjoy. I want something badass though. I wonder where I would get something like that.

“Excuse me, do you have anything, umm, more aggressive I guess is the word I’m looking for.” I jumble my thoughts to the retail clerk while checking out.

“I’m sorry, we don’t have those kinds of things here. You could try the sex shop at the end of the block.”


I grab my bags and go to the sex shop. I can’t believe I’m doing this. Never in a thousand years would I think I would be walking into a sex shop. This is so weird!

I take a deep breath and go into the store. I glance around the store. There’s furniture, clothes, movies, and toys all around. I head straight for the clothes section and browse through the options.

I do like this. I pick up a top piece that is almost like a bra, but it does nothing for support or coverage. It is like an outline of a bra with a couple elastic bands that run across your boobs. It’s more of an aesthetic piece.

And I’m sure she will love these. I pull a pair of lacy panties off of the shelf. They have a slit down the center allowing full access without taking them off.

I have to get these. Oh, I can’t wait to see her reaction!


I get home just in time for dinner.

Samantha’s not here. I instantly get sad and have lost any appetite I may have gained on my shopping spree.

You’ll be okay. She will be home soon. You have to eat to stay healthy.

I look in the fridge and don’t crave anything. What’s easy? I should also include more than one food group. I can take care of myself. I’ll have a piece of toast, a fried egg and a few strawberries.

I cook the food and take a picture for Samantha. I send it with the phrase:

‘Dinner time!’

‘That looks good. I think I’m going to have to ask you to cook more often.’

‘It’s just an easy meal.’ I respond.

‘Easy for you. I’m sure if I tried, it would look like crap.’

‘You’re probably right. Haha. Maybe we should get you some cooking lessons!’

‘I won’t need any if you stick around.’ She texts back.

‘I guess I’m sticking around then. Just so you won’t starve.’

‘My stomach thanks you in advance. I have to get going though. I won’t be able to respond much until tomorrow. I’m saying goodnight and sleep well to you now.’

‘Goodnight to you too.’

I slowly eat my dinner and think of what I should do for the rest of the evening. I could take pictures, or sign up for college. I can also read in the library. That actually sounds relaxing.

I bring a blanket and pillow to the love seat in the library, grab a couple of books to read, and cozy myself up for the night.


I wake up at 11 AM. Wow, I slept better than I thought I would. That was the first night I’ve had alone in a while. I did good.

I have a lot to do today. Samantha will be here tomorrow. I should register for school first. That way, if the pictures don’t turn out, I can still surprise her with something.

I quickly log onto the laptop and attempt to get into the school page. I forgot my password.

Thirty minutes later, I finally reset my password and begin the registration process. It only took a few minutes since I’m only missing one semester.

I print the confirmation. Yes, one thing down. Crap, I have to eat.

I make a small shake and drink it while deciding what lingerie I should wear first for the photos. I finally decided on the maroon see through lace night-shirt and matching boy shorts.

I set the camera up on the nightstand and rotate the screen so I can see where the lense is pointing. I take a series of time delayed shots.

I spent about an hour per outfit on photos, saving the sexiest one for last. Most of them I don’t like, but there are a couple good ones. Those are the gems I will print out for her.

I think I’ll give Sam a little sneak peek tonight. I take a picture on my phone from an above angle showing the aesthetic bra with my perky nipples at attention.

I send the photo to Samantha and lay waiting on the bed for her response.

As I’m drifting off, my phone chimes. That was a lot longer than I expected.

‘Wow!’ Samantha text me.

‘Wow what?’

‘You. I’m speechless over here.’

I made her speechless! That’s exactly what I was going for.

‘It’s all thanks to you.’ I reply back.

‘No, baby, that is all you. I can’t wait until tomorrow!’

‘Me either. Xoxo’

I make another shake for dinner and I print off my favorite pictures of each outfit and start arranging them how I want them.

I know why Samantha lives off of these shakes now. They are so practical. It takes a minute to blend up and you can eat them anywhere. It takes the hassle out of cooking and you get all of your nutrients.

I finally finish up the little photo album and get everything put away.

What an exhausting day. I’m so glad I finished though.

I yawn and crawl into bed.

Samantha will be here in the morning.

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