I was at ground this morning. The usual crowd loitered about the area while the others replicated my movements in physical exertion. Lost in the movement I didn't notice till someone came up on my right and passed me by. It caused me to pause abruptly. "That man, he looked so familiar," I muttered," must be my error, he wasn't Fred." I shook my head clear and took off again with my pony swaying in the morning air. After thoroughly feeling the burn in the muscles I forced myself to stop.
Time to head home. I know I decided to walk to the ground this time however I'll probably resent that decision shortly. Good run. I wonder what Sam's doing. I invited him to join me but he refused saying "I'm not a runner".What does that even mean? ..arrgh. Anyway he missed out. I need tea. I should stop by Ocha, they have the best tea, even Emma highly recommended it to me.
Swinging in I ordered a matcha tea. I swear they make it the best here. I sat in fancy wooden chair sipping a good cup of tea on a breezy Tuesday. "Lovely weather," I smiled. Enjoying the moment I felt a presence lingering near me. My suspicion cleared up when my eyes investigated the male figure hanging over me like a gloomy cloud on a sunny morning. He did not bother with pleasantries just sat down then began to speak. "You don't need to know who I am. I do, though, have some information you might be interested in," he communicated slipping a large envelope across the table. Questioning this 'information' I was supposed to be interested in and it's source I was determined to tell him to take it along with him when he just vanished without a trace leaving the yellow rectangle behind. I just plucked it off the table on my way out musing on the odd interaction. When I came home I shut the envelope in a drawer not wanting to deal with anything it contains.
Nooo!" I woke with a start once again. Just a dream. Breathe, don't panic, don't think. I repeated the mantra till I calmed. I hushed the noise, rebuked the tears and battled the ensuing numbness that occurs after a nightmare. I can't speak of my grief to Emma because she too lost someone dear to her. Me, my pain is nothing compared to how she feels. I know of it so I hide the hurt in a bubble where guilt, shame along with disgust reside in.
I hurried with this feeling to the only place I know of. The one place where I could speak to him, Leo. I knelt in front of his engraved stone in the ill-lit sky. I greeted, "Hello! sorry for coming out late. I wanted to speak to you. I know I don't see you often, forgive me? I'm also sorry for not comforting Emma, you would have wanted me to but I just.. " Then expressed," I'm sorry about what happened to you Leo. Please forgive me for living without you. I try to move on sometimes, I'm so selfish aren't I? It just..it hurts too much to see you here, Leo. I miss our time together. We were finally forming something between us regardless of how much we taunted each other. haha.. you remember how we met.. Who would have thought huh."
"I wish I didn't have to see you everyday in a nightmare.. See you all..all bloody like that. I'm so sorry Leo I should be dead.. Me! not you. I wish you didn't leave me alone. You know what?I was...this is going to sound ridiculous but I was falling for you, Leo," I whimpered. " You shouldn't have left me the way you did," I yelled.
"Now what? What do I do with these feelings. You.. I didn't get to tell you. Damn You Leo! Take responsibility for this. It hurts. I'm so sorry! Just so sorry" I screamed and wailed into my hands. My throat was sore and eyes bloodshot when I moved to lay beside him.
After my break down I replayed my memories on what had happened: the visit to Emma, the words she and I exchanged, the excitement then what? Blank. Then Leo's face. Then blank again. I pushed myself to remember, my head ached.
I knew the accident was odd because they said he had lost control. I didn't question it then because I was consumed with grief but thinking back, now, it's rather bizarre. He always had perfect control of the vehicle. I doubt there was any traffic because we visited on Sunday, the street isn't particularly crowded on sundays. So what happened for him to loose control? I pushed my brain to remember again while I looked at Leo's grave. My head is throbbing. I felt a prickly sensation come over me. There were stones there too. A graveyard! Oh my God! I remember, it is hazy but I recall it now. He.. Leo was driving. He was smiling at me when our car had toppled over landing on its side, slanted. I remember us passing a cemetery when.. God! No! He.. that can't be. Leo! His head. A hole in his head.He was shot. I cried even harder at this new memory. How could..? Why? Why didn't anyone tell me? "Emma.. Does she.. did she know? The doctors, they knew? Is it just me?" all of my unanswered questions came flooding out. I was filled with ire and vengeance my sadness long forgotten.
It was daybreak when I was in the car heading home. Furious. Hurt. My blood was boiling. All this time I was kept in the dark. I won't forgive them. I was determined to get to the bottom of this. As I drove home I remembered the stranger, the one from Ocha, with the envelope. I would find it of interest he said. Looks like I will be looking at it after all.
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