Dream of Suicide
22 April , 2008
I went to school after five days because I went for my checkup , next two days .
Everyone was distancing from me . Even school teachers seemed to ignore me , except Sukhsirat . She was staring me as if she wanted to ask something . But I ignored her .
In school , I was able to see my friends ignoring me and were not talking with me . I too distanced myself from other classmates .
In my house , my parents stopped asking about school incidents and also stopped scolding me for my bad grades as if they thought it was the reason for which I ran away from house .
But all of this , made me think of myself as a living corpse .
I was living my life but wasn't talking with someone . I was like a corpse .
I became depressed . I wasn't happy in any task . I wanted to talk with someone but I saw no one around me .
I choosed to write down my thoughts . I wrote what I wished for and the first thing I wrote was
I didn't want my parents to worry about me anymore . I thought I knew it that nobody will be bothered by my death . So just to make it clear to my parents about the reason for my suicide , I wrote a letter . And it was......
Dear mom and dad ,
I know how much problems I have given you each and everyday . I know you never thought of a child like me be your son . You dreamt of a child who would be good in academics and would be obedient to you . And I had none of these qualities . I know you might have thought that I should not be your child .
I too wished that but at that time I wasn't brave enough to do something like this but now I think there is no reason for me to live further .
I know this would be a sad moment for you but I am just trying to reduce your burdens .
In the end I want you to promise me that whenever you will find a confused child who want to know about abusive words or about bunk or about sex you will not scold him nor guide him to distance himself from his friend but you will tell him everything clearly .
I assure you , rest of your life will be peaceful .
I wrote it on one night and thought to do suicide the next night . In morning I tore it from my notebook and put it inside my school pants.
During lunchtime I thought to read it for last time because for me today was the last day.
When I was sponging my pants for it , bell ranged . I stopped and sat silently in my desk .
During a free period I searched it again but found nothing.
It scared me . I searched again and again ..........