Chapter 52 - Even after that
Beau's lips brushed against mine and I struggled to exhale. He made it so hard to be anything except happy when I was with him.
He pressed his lips to the corner of my mouth and I couldn't take it anymore. I turned my mouth to meet his and felt him smile against my lips.
My patience had run thin.
I needed to feel more than the kiss he left with me. I pushed my tongue into his mouth and he cradled the back of my head in his hand. My legs wrapped around him and he walked to the edge of the blanket and sat down with my body straddling his.
I wanted to tell him how mad I had been. So mad that I refused every thought that involved him. And even though that wasn't a lie, the real truth was that I had missed him more. So instead of speaking, I kissed my feelings into him. I poured my misery into Beau and he took it all from me.
He growled and I bit his lip, my head spun when the metallic taste of his blood entered my mouth. But I couldn't stop, I dug my nails into the back of his neck and he squeezed my hips before flipping us over and pinned my arms above my head.
A lot. I felt a lot better.
He pressed his lips back to mine but nothing was punishing about it. His kiss was deep and sweet and made my head spin in a completely different way than it had before. The only thing he poured into me was love and I wanted all of it. He loosened his grip on my arms enough for me to pull them away and I ran my fingers through his hair the way I knew he liked.
He groaned into my mouth and I could feel his erection pressing into my thigh.
Why did I keep forgetting about that?
I forced myself to inhale and exhale as I tried to create more friction. Beau's hands covered my hips and forced me to stop moving.
"Not like this. Not while you're mad."
Was I still mad?
I couldn't tell. Not one of my thoughts were in order. Beau moved and sat on the blanket beside me.
He steadied his breathing before reaching into the basket and pulling out every snack food that I'd ever mentioned to him. Some of them I had forgotten about because I didn't buy anything like that with my broke college student with bills budget.
"You make it so difficult."
I said while looking at the junk in front of me.
"Make what difficult?"
"Being angry with you."
Beau laughed and opened up the lemon heads, pouring some into my palm.
"I hate that you've been angry."
I only nodded, he might have hated it but he was the only person who could fix it.
"I think I can make it right if you let me."
Who was this person? He was a lot like the Beau I knew but less guarded.
I told him, figuring I had nothing to lose.
"I'm trying to be better."
I didn't like that response.
"You were just fine before."
He shook his head and put his arm around my back, letting his hand rest on my waist.
"Just fine doesn't cut it."
Beau pressed his lips to my forehead and sighed.
"So what then? Now you can allow yourself to come here? And do what exactly?"
Turns out anger could come creeping back as quickly as it disappeared. But I was tired of feeling that way and I hated the way he was looking at me.
I rested my head in my hands and took a deep breath.
"Just tell me why you're here."
Beau stared at me as if he wasn't sure if he should share his thoughts. Didn't he know that they were written all over his face?
He was here for me. But I wanted him to say the words.
"I've missed you too much, River. There isn't a second that passes without you being at the forefront of my mind. My life was okay before you but I didn't realize what I was missing. Now that I know the difference I don't want to go back. Remember when you told me that I ruined you? I couldn't explain it to you then but you did the same to me. Nothing is the same, not one part of my life feels right without you."
He pressed his palm to the side of my face and I closed my eyes. I knew how hard it was for him to tell me everything he was thinking and I couldn't help the way his words lit up my insides.
"I've missed you too."
His lips were on mine as soon as the words left my mouth. He moved my body in his lap as if he was cradling me and I hooked my arms behind his neck.
Beau held onto my body as he kissed me and I relished in every second of it. He felt so good wrapped around me and I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
"Tell me about school. I want to know everything."
He said as he pushed my hair away from my neck and he pressed his lips against the skin there.
"It's hard, but I-I love it."
He was still kissing me and I was having trouble speaking clearly.
Beau laughed and I reached up and ran my hand across the scar on his cheekbone. I remembered when I would've given anything to be able to touch him the way I wanted.
"Did you wish we could've done things like this back then?"
I asked as I brought his fingers up to my lips.
"It killed me to live in that house with you and not touch you. It was wrong to feel that way, I knew that but I couldn't stop myself from wanting to."
It wasn't that his confirmation was a shock, it was that he was actually willing to admit it that really got me.
Maybe missing me did change something in him.
My curiosity made my need to hear him confirm one more thing. Even though I saw it in his eyes, he'd never spoken the words to me directly.
"Tell me you love me."
He grabbed my jaw in one hand and touched the bridge of his nose to mine.
"I love you. I loved you when it was wrong, and when you tried to convince me that it was right. I loved you when I thought it would kill me and I loved when you when it was the only thing that kept me alive. I'll love you until there's no longer any breath in my lungs, River. And maybe even after that because I can't imagine a time when I couldn't love you."
Tears filled my eyes and Beau wiped them away as soon as they started rolling down my cheeks.
He asked but I shook my head.
I was far from sad.
For the first time in a long time, sadness couldn't touch me.