Chapter 1
“Raelyn, How does that make you feel?” Raelyn was so tired of hearing those same six words. It had been six months since the incident that changed her life forever. The incident that had taken everything from her and that she relieved every single night in her nightmares. Nightmares that were so real that she could swear she was back in that warehouse, beaten, bloody, violated and broken all over again and she woke up in a cold sweat most nights. The incident that now seemed to surround her like a cloak of darkness not allowing her to move forward in her life, but her own strength refused to allow her to move backward.
She had always been more of a go with the flow type person, she could take control when she had to. Now she felt as though she needed to have complete control over every situation and every environment she was in. The need to control was paired with a sheer panic when she felt she didn’t have that control. Her life was completely out of balance and she had no idea how to find that balance again.
She looked across the room to her therapist, Dr. Vivian Lorenzo. She was young for a therapist, fresh out of college with black hair that she kept in a bun without fail, tall and still wore 6 inch stilettos, and always in a tailored skirt suit. Doctor Lorenzo was made of money and always has been. Raelyn has seen her type daily, over privileged and think they know everything,or maybe it was just Raelyn’s attitude today, she wanted her life back and was done with the baby steps.
She really wanted to just take a leap and get her life back. She had come to the conclusion that this so called trauma therapist had no idea the full extent of the trauma she had suffered. She kept wanting to talk about how the whole incident made her feel. She didn’t know any victim of a rape that felt in any way positive about it, let along being help captive, interrogated, beating and repeatedly raped. She continued to look at Dr. Lorenzo and think about how to respond to this annoying question.
“It makes me feel shitty doc what else you want me to say? I can’t get my professional life back let alone a personal one,” She huffed out, she really was in a bad mood today. The question today was about her love life or lack thereof one, since her deep undercover went south. It had been over a year since her last boyfriend dumped her because she was going undercover. Not many men can handle her job and all the duties that come with it. Most just couldn’t handle the long hours, last minute calls and canceled plans that came with being a detective. Her last guy was on his last rope when she was called for a deep cover that was going to last several months to over a year, and that was too much for him.
“Tell me about your last boyfriend. You do not talk much about him.” Raelyn looked around the room bored of the subject already. The office was done tastefully by an interior decorator, Raelyn was sure. It had a large glass desk that Dr. Lorenzo sat behind, a comfy sky blue couch she was sitting on with matching chairs around a glass coffee table. Bookshelves decorated the wall behind the doctor, full of medical books. There were vases full of the glass beads and reeds sticking out of them on either side of her desk, but nothing personal. She worked with all the cops in the city, Raelyn couldn’t blame her for keeping all things personal out of the office. If she were in charge of someone going back on the force or having to take early retirement she’d do the same.
“Well there isn’t much to say. He dumped me when I told him I was going undercover.” She said it while picking on a loose string from the hole in the knee of her jeans. It felt weird being in her casual wear for so long, but she didn’t feel it necessary to dress for work when they wouldn’t let her go back yet. She was getting a little tired of it to be honest, she missed her slacks and blue blouses. She missed going to work everyday and feeling like she was making a difference. Sitting at home and going to appointments like this had become routine, but she felt as though she was on a treadmill trying to get somewhere.
“How was the relationship before the undercover became an issue?” Asked the doctor.
Raelyn thought about this question before she actually answered it “Honestly the relationship was going down hill long before the undercover became an issue. He was not ok with the long hours and last minute calls. We were fighting all the time when I was home, and it got to the point where I was finding things to do at work in order to avoid going home.”
“What about your sex life, how was that?” Raelyn squirmed, rubbing her hands on her thighs. Suddenly it was a little too hot in the room for her. She was not one to talk about her sex life with other people. Her squad would make sexual jokes from time to time because of the type of crimes they dealt with, but never really got down to details.
“It was fine,” she replied a little too quickly.
“What type of a sex life did you have with your last relationship?” asked Dr Lorenzo
Raelyn looked confused at the question “What do you mean why type of sex life did we have? An active one? Well less so towards the end.” she said
Dr. Lorenzo nodded and made a few notes before saying “Well what I am asking is How often were you active? Everyday? A few times a week? And what type of sex was it? Normal everyday missionary style? Different positions? Any Kinks? Things like this.” she clarified.
Raelyn took a breath before she answered “Well... we... might have played with handcuffs, you know the fuzzy kind you get at the store, and he tried a little slap and tickle but...to be honest it was a little tame for me. He thought he was a big bad Dom but really…” She cleared her throat. “Well he wasn’t very imaginative and well…” again she cleared her throat looking everywhere but the therapist “he was small.” She finished and laughed, she couldn’t help it.
Dr. Lorenzo nodded “Little slap and tickle, and handcuffs? And that wasn’t imaginative enough for you? Would you like more than that type of thing?” She wrote down some notes on her note book, making Raelyn even more nervous. Dr. Lorenzo smiled at her trying to calm her nerves. “Don’t worry this doesn’t pertain to your going back to work.”
“If this is not about work then why ask? Isn’t it your job to get me back to work?” Raelyn asked.
Dr. Lorenzo smiled “The nature of your trauma is sexual and therefore I would like to help you get back to a balance within your sex life. My hope is that by addressing the trust issue and tension you are experiancing sexually we can then bring that balance back to your everyday life and therefore your work life as well.” she explained “What I have in mind is something a little outside of the box and you can feel more than free to say no, but before I tell you what has crossed my mind about this I need to know if that more imaginative intimate play is something you are interested in. When your last boyfriend used the cuffs did that excite you?”
Raelyn thought about this question before she answered “Yeah, it did… a bit.”
Dr. Lorenzo nodded again and made a few more notes then asked “Would it be something you would be interested in exploring a bit more?”
“Maybe. I wouldn’t mind a bit more, I have an open mind and am curious about some things.” Raelyn admitted with a little more confidence.
“Good. I have some ideas that I want to discuss with you. We know you have been struggling since the incident with your control over situations” Raelyn scoffed at that and Dr. Lorenzo gave her a knowing smile. “You have tried to control these sessions.” she pointed out “I want you to keep an open mind about it, it is a bit unorthodox. There is a club I know well, that I think would help you with your control issues. There are professional men and women that I think are right up your alley.”
Raelyn sat up straighter, intrigued. She could deal with professionals that could help her with her control issues. Ever since that incident she has done nothing but stress and try to control every little thing, it was exhausting and she was ready for something new, at least she thought she was and the good ol’ doctor seemed to think she was pretty ready too.
“Well I am friends with the club owner and I can arrange for you to meet a few people that could help. It would be completely up to you, but I think it would be a great start for you.”
“Alright.” Raelyn replied. Dr. Lorenzo pulled out a card from her drawer and picked up a piece of paper and came around the desk to sit in one of the comfy chairs.
“This…” She handed the paper over and with a glance Raelyn almost screamed in excitement. The paper she handed her was signed release to return to back to work. “It’s office work for now, but I am sure you will be getting full release back to work soon. You have been making amazing progress and I am so proud of you.” It took everything in her for Raelyn not to do anything too drastic like jump for joy or hug the doctor, instead she folded the paper in half and waited for the doctor to continue. “This is the card for the club. She will be expecting you, should you choose to go.” She handed the card over and released Raelyn from the visit.
