It all begins at the time
A soul vouches to be his representative in the world
To be the ambassador of one and only prime
To be the righteous on his created pearl
From the day the soul is embedded in the jisme
Till the day it’s pulled out mercilessly by Azrael
We are no one but the followers of the divine
If it’s all written already then why do we love, why do we feel affinity towards beings when in the end all which will matter is what the creator has written for us. Why were we appointed with the ability to love, to decide, when in the end he is the one who has decided everything. It can be changed though as what his mother used to say. Every day was the same; with the same monotonous routine, the same voyage on which Abdullah asked the Lord to change his fate on every breath for the existing one was killing him from the inside. He wanted to set things according to his thoughts and understandings. Every day all he desired was for the fate to unfold and bring in something new. Every day he wanted her to approach him, talk to him and be a social being. She won’t do it ever and he discerned it for it was against the dignity of a girl, against their grace. Men were the ones who have been initiating it and will initiate it as long as the world stands and don’t crumble down. I can do it maybe, he thought. I can crash into her some day for the reason to notice me and then act aloof, ignore her so only then she will be attracted towards me. It was what he heard as a beguiling way. Why don’t i write her a letter, a secret one for it would be a good way to lure her close? He admired every girl for every single one born was born beautiful in her own way but she was the one who has caught his eye and since then occupied space in his thoughts. Though there have been other members of the opposite gender who have gotten his attention but she was the one who stayed in him, who made a place, made a mark on his mind, who seemed to have touched his soul. He wasn’t sure if she was the one written for him but he wanted her to be in his life, he wanted her to become a part of his soul, he wanted the Lord to make amendments in his fate, to write her name in his fate if she wasn’t there. Only if it was made easy, only if the pain was ceased and it was revealed what was there in the book of life. The agony of the hidden fate was always there to hinder the enthusiasm, the ambitions in life but he was sure it can be changed for whatever it was.
“Anything can be changed by his and his will alone” Dolat used to say it with absolute confidence in the creator, with certainty that the omnipotent loved us more than anyone and will do what suits best to the creation. She knew it for it was which happened to those who believed, for it happened to Dawood (AS). He became a king from being one of the ordinary, for the only thing he did was he believe in Lord. It was which happened with Yunus (AS) for he lived, survived in the belly of a giant fish for forty days only because of his firm faith in Lord. Dolat always advised her two sons to have faith, blind faith and a kind of faith which was possessed by the chosen ones once.
He needed to satisfy the lord, required his love for it was capable of changing anything but it was something he didn’t believe much in. He had faith in his mercy, believed the creator will forgive everyone no matter what we do for after all we are his creation. He was caught in the idea that whatever he does he will be forgiven for he was born a Muslim and Muslims are the most loved by the Lord. Every single time he set eyes upon her a surge of happiness passed through his entire body. It was the moment of happiness, moment of fulfilment and a moment which ceased every motion in the body.
“Here she comes here she comes” Abdullah whispered in astonishment while pressing Sudais with an elbow. He was watching her come all the way down the stairs through the transparent glass, the glass for which he became utterly grateful now. She was as usual walking as if she didn’t want the world to recognize her as a human being like them. Staring at the ground while she steered her way on the land looking up with a quick movement of the eyes for she wanted to navigate safely, touching her right ear again and again as a habit though there was nothing there which seemed like disturbing. The hair including ears was all packed in the scarf which was usually the colour of the dress she wore. A scarf she wore because of influence of the religion and will remove it for the influence won’t be long. It was burgundy for the dress carried the similar colour flowers. Matching of the colours was something she seemed to care about for he mostly saw her following a synchronized pattern. There were times when she wore different colours but made sure they looked good on her soul. She was beautiful, more beautiful than the rest. It was like her soul was one of the finest forms of light created. Her face shone with light, the light which reflected prettiness, which ameliorated it in every way possible. Her beauty was unusual, atypical to the rest of girls he has ever seen. Sudais started eyeing around the table looking for something new, not hoping for one of the girls which Abdullah always admired.
“Come on for god’s sake there are a couple of girls standing there can you be more precise” Sudais was full of expressions and vocabulary, always tried to imitate renowned English related figures by imitating their accents, copying their styles. Abdullah became restless like seeing the girl gave him some sort of energy. He would have started dancing in the satisfaction of seeing her had there been no people around. He explained every detail of her to Sudais in passion like with every information revealed of her there was more chance of her falling in love with him. Sudais hated the girl for he had different preferences. He always perceived scarf as an act of pretension. He hated it for the people who wear it more are the people more absorbed in the sins, he always said. It should be forbidden for to him it was an extra piece of cloth to gain sympathy, which let the kind to believe they are more righteous than others. Sudais for some reason never admired this kind, the kind involving men with long beards and women with their body completely covered for it in his opinion was not necessary. He hated Abdullah for having a preference to the kind. Abdullah on the contrary preferred this kind for they are the most fearing of Allah and are the most closest to him. She didn’t lift her eyes up for long, keeping them on the ground as if there wasn’t much interesting in the world. Abdullah defended her, became a shield in front of the hate bombarded by Sudais, absorbed all the negativity in his chest, a chest which was filled with the fragrance, a fragrance carrying a strand of endless love, a jisme full of passion and a heart pumping more severe emotions with every beat. Heart was thudding with the intensity that it felt like at any moment it would burst out of the chest. He liked the way she walked, the way she moved her hand against the right ear and the way she kept on looking down. He might not have liked all these attributes but what could be said for he was in love and whatever he saw he accepted that as a universal pattern of life which must also be present in others. If he had enough power he would have made it an obligation for everyone to adapt all these peculiarities. Sudais couldn’t stop and kept on asking about his choice of the girl. He wanted Abdullah to hate her for she was wearing a scarf. Abdullah didn’t respond much for he didn’t care much what everyone else was saying, he was satisfied with his choice and didn’t want to seek anyone else’s validation for it. She has all the things a guy demands, Abdullah said. He didn’t want to say it for the person to whom he was saying was not right. He regretted the words and wanted to turn the time back. He didn’t mean what came out of his lungs for he realized what Sudais might have perceived. Over the period of time he had developed a reputation of being a man who was organized, he was not deviated in the manner that he didn’t utter anything which would displease his Lord. He knew saying a thing like this would endanger his name for it was enough for Sudais to mock him. He wasn’t going to let him go unattended. As always he first confirmed the uttering, making sure the person has uttered something wrong then he performed the job he loved to do. He mocked Abdullah for admiring the religion at one place and at the other having a negative approach. He tried to cover it up by deviating from the topic but it was not enough to extinguish the fire which was approaching towards him. Abdullah didn’t bother for he thought there are always impediments in true love and ridiculing was one of them. Sooner Sudais also got caught up in his thoughts of love and started expressing it like a man who saw it as one of the fundamentals of the universe. It is love which has bound our universe together and only the ending of love is capable of disrupting it, Sudais believed. He had his own understanding about love and had developed his own theories. He believed love is not possessed by any random being but it is an attribute of God and he gives it to only selected ones. The selected ones are loved and are given the ability to love. He believed himself to be one of those beings appointed with the special ability to love others. He had set criteria for his future partner which he was yet to meet. He wanted the love of his life to be a writer, having a passionate life. He wanted to write letters to her. Sudais spoke while raising his right hand in the position that it seemed he was giving a speech, lecturing a wide audience. I want her to dance with me while the moon shines above us, want to kiss her while all the stars will be staring; he stopped himself realizing the emotions were gaining physical form now and it wasn’t the right place for it. After getting an open rejection from Sudais, it was better for him that he asked Khushal about her for he might accept his choice. He was disappointed after getting the same response. Both didn’t seem to like the scarf as if it was something spreading negativity, as it was spraying hate all around the environment.
“She’s pine but without hijab” Khushal answered while trying his best to pronounce f but he never got it right. It was something for which he could blame his mother tongue which in reality hindered him to get the pronunciation right. A victorious smirk appeared upon Sudais’s face after seeking validation. He wanted to tell Abdullah that only a piece of cloth, only scarf was there to ruin her beauty. He wanted to tell him his theory about girls that a girl is known by the hair she has. He wanted to tell him but he realized Abdullah would never listen. Abdullah kept on staring her as if looking elsewhere would break his secret bond. He remained steadfast on his preference; to him she looked more beautiful as she was. He liked her and accepted for whatever she was wearing. He had an intense affinity towards her. He wanted to break the chains of shyness and clam his love. He wanted to tell her how much she looked beautiful every time she moved her hand across the ear. He felt happiness flowing in the veins with every glance, every encounter though he never had one and was not planning to do it soon. He was bashful and was not going to talk sooner. He was getting better with time but he realized she was not the kind with whom he could talk like he could talk with any other random person. He considered her special, better than the rest of beings, more unique than the rest of the beings. Both tried to push him into talking to her but he was scared of refusal, afraid of casting a bad impression. He wanted to take some time before he could face her, wanted to prepare himself for the moment for he wanted it to be perfect.
“Be a man and tell her how you peel” Khushal said courageously. Both laughed for it was something capable of direct denial from the girl. Khushal kept on proving himself, saying what he really meant but it was too late. Sudais besides disliking his choice kept on persuading him to go before it’s too late. They wanted him to do it while there is time than to mourn about it later. Abdullah liked the idea and was ready to do it, was ready to take the step for it, wanted to face the obstacle if he wanted to have the girl. He wanted to do it while there was still time and energy flowing in his body. If something goes wrong he was prepared for it too for he was good in making up stories. Abdullah approached the table without having much idea about what to converse about, said Salam in as gentle voice as he could produce and waited for a while for someone to give permission to sit, someone to congratulate him on his arrival. She replied with a bleak smile upon her face. She didn’t want to converse and it was clear from her expressions. On the other hand he was dying to talk and wanted something good to talk about, wanted a topic which would set the things in motion and after a while when nothing popped in his mind he asked for her name. It was a stupid thing to ask from a total stranger but she didn’t mind answering. He liked the name for it was as beautiful as the soul. It was Fajr and like the prayer it was precious to be cared for. She was pretty as the time of Fajr, he thought. He kept standing there waiting for something else to come into his mind for she was answering. He stood as long as it became uncanny for everyone else at the place. It was the moment for him to leave for it seemed like any moment she would stand up and scream of harassment for it was what he was doing. Abdullah said back his name and left for it was the least left to do. She didn’t bother much but to give the same cold smile, it was a quick one, quick enough to give a clue of she’s still not interested. He was curious now thinking did she like me or not she gave me a smile in the end. She must have liked me; a million things came in his mind. He told Sudais who was anxiously waiting for him to arrive and his response was supportive, supportive enough for him to continue thinking about her. He was tangled in the thoughts of the first impression. His life seemed to become meaningless for the moment and the only thing which seemed to be adding meaning to it was her name. All his way up to hostel he kept thinking of the ways through which the interaction could have been better, the ways through which he could have prolonged the interchange of words. All three of them were in a single room in a hostel which led the foundation behind their friendship. Besides being in different departments there was a strong bond which was starting to build between them. In the most part of the day they would be together, poking into each other’s matters, sharing almost everything. After university he kept on pestering both of them about Fajr, about the nobility of his choice. He kept on thinking only if he would have her address so he could write her a letter; tell her how he felt for it was difficult to do in reality.
“You would probably not recognize me for we have only met once in reality and that once was enough to capture my soul. It was only my setting of eyes upon you that now I can’t think of anything else. It’s like you have blocked my vision, like you have ceased my ability to think of anything else. Now my soul won’t leave the body for it insists upon flying with you. It wants to float around the universe, wants to explore the hidden worlds but with you. It’s like that I have found a new purpose, a new motive for which I’m more destined than anything else. I’m writing this because I think maybe I’ll never have the freedom to be able to say it in reality but I have faith that one day our souls will meet. There will be a day our souls will be able to fly freely, lure themselves to the areas of which no mind has ever thought of. I just hope that my thoughts meet reality in this life for the afterlife is not a place for me”.
He wanted to write for it was the best approach to express his emotions and he couldn’t smother the words in for long. He planned on giving it to her only if the plan worked. He would crash into her, a kind of collision leading her on the ground and leaving him to drop the letter in her belongings. It was not going to work for he sensed it but it was just like his mother said to him to have faith and he had. It was faith which motivated him to pen down the feelings in the first place and it was faith that he succeeded in executing his idea. It was as he expected, he crashed into her hard enough that she fell on the ground. He became all breathless, legs started trembling, palms became all sweaty and forehead started spurting beads of sweat which shone like a bald man under sun. Started feeling air going through his nostrils making its way to the lungs, heart thudding like the beat of drum, unusual movement of hands started. He saw her coming down the stairs, waited for he didn’t want her to get hurt by falling down them. Waited and at the right moment collided. He wanted to say something nice, Salam maybe but didn’t for she seemed to be hurt, she wanted to pass a remark, a derogatory one but didn’t as if she was inhibited by something. He dropped the folded paper into her possessions didn’t waste much time in it for he was prepared for it. He didn’t wait there long and left for everything was now in the piece of paper. The words were enough to express him, were enough to get him out of the institution and send him to jail. It was forbidden to talk to a girl, to greet one in the institution. People were already giving him a strange look after the last unorthodox act at the canteen. The classes consisted of both male and females but it was not allowed to talk to the opposite gender but of related to studies. As there was no other mean but to write words which may do some magic? It wasn’t long when he felt the need of taking it back somehow for he felt disgraced for what he has written. He felt disappointed and ashamed for he hasn’t met her once properly and has written words like there is a long existing bond. Started condemning himself, complaining the moment which pushed him in doing it, criticising his fate in the end for it was all responsible for it. Sudais never disapproved it and referred to it as an act of bravery. It was what he wanted to do, want to take a step which involved risk and wanted to get in the kind of secret love which had great dangers but on the other hand his friend Khushal never approved of it. To him it was an act of shame and disgracefulness. While their argument was getting hotter a bearded figure overheard them and couldn’t stop but to participate. Abdullah didn’t like most bearded men for the fact that they owned the legitimate right for claiming what is right and wrong. His idea was not achievable; it involved the procedure of sending parents to the girl’s house. He knew it was never going to happen. He was not planning to do anything like that any sooner, he knew what could possibly happen if he did send. All he wanted was to now smoothly start the things between him and Fajr but it was too late for this time she might have even read the letter, he thought. The letter was capable of ruining everything and much worse could happen. He realized he won’t be able to face her, won’t be able to look at her the way he used to. He thought it would be best to not hope for something good. He was not anymore curious to see her, in fact he tried his best to not encounter her for it will bring the news and it can be horrific. He wanted to remain hidden for he discerned that if the future held something bright it will be revealed to him in time. The three of them mostly stayed late at the institution for there was not much to do back at the hostel. It was better to stay and admire what they couldn’t have, better to experience the beauty of girls at present than to mope about it later. As usual Sudais and Khushal couldn’t stop but to argue on something in which both of them presented their biased opinions. Both always tried to win arguments and prove each other wrong than to accept their differences. They could see three girls walking towards them as if it was a reward from God. They kept on walking their way towards the boys who couldn’t stop then to stare.
“How come all the pretty girls buy all the pretty shoes” Sudais said while looking at the middle girl who walked like at both sides there were people applauding, throwing flowers, clapping for how pretty she was. She jumped a little every time she moved her right step as if she wanted to look tall, as if she wanted to look separate from her other friends as if she wanted to exclaim she was better.
“The one in the white shirt” Khushal said pointing towards them.
“Don’t point out, you always point out and make a bad impression” Sudais replied pulling down his hand quickly to not cast a bad impression. Abdullah didn’t pay much attention for he was engrossed in the thoughts of some other girl, the one from whom the reply was not awaited for it seemed bad but he still admired her the way he used to. All three of them walked happily, talking about something joyous for the two of them Khushal and Sudais felt jealous. They wanted to be part of that perpetual happiness flowing through them. The waiting was finally over and the girls were there asking them to move over to the next bench, which they did as dictated as were spelled upon.
“No problem” Sudais replied to the girl who said thank you. Sudais didn’t want to miss any chance to talk to them. Abdullah who was still in the thoughts of Fajr didn’t realize what was happening. He wasn’t beguiled by anyone’s beauty for every girl he saw he thought of Fajr as the better option. As the girls were seated in front of them all of the discussions seemed to come to an end as there was a far better subject now, there was a far better scenery to see then to talk about it. Khushal proposed a couple of things but didn’t get any response. Sudais after a second or two would say something, something not concerning for he didn’t want to make a bad first impression. He moved his neck around to capture more glimpses of them, to catch more specifications of the subjects. The centre one had creamy cotton jeans on with a white long shirt of which the corners and buttons were all black. Sudais could not help but to stare at the open hair how it added more to the beauty. From top to bottom everything was adding more and more to the natural beauty. A brown colour was all vivid in the midst of the black hair. After a while the girls would also look around and pass a shy smile. It was not long till they left leaving Sudais to wonder. To his astonishment they left a book, more precisely it was the book of the girl wearing white. Sudais didn’t think much and approached the girl who was alone now as the other two girls left. Sudais knew exactly how to talk to a girl, how to prolong the conversations and he did exactly as he was supposed to do.
“Excuse me, you forgot your book back at the bench” Sudais said while handing out her the book which had an attractive cover.
“Thank you” came the reply, the kind of reply which was about to end the conversation right away, an abrupt reply not good for the future conversing. Sudais realized he needed a topic to prolong the conversing; he needed it for the chance like this occurred once in a blue moon. He didn’t think much and said what came into his mind that instant.
“So you like literature” Sudais tried his best to ask something which needed answering, something which will for sure continue the joy of conversing with a girl.
“Yes it’s the only thing keeping me alive” both laughed. A gate seemed to open into the land of joyful conversations for a try, for a response. ”Yeah me too believe me there is no life without books” Sudais said realizing the awkward silence falling. He didn’t like reading books but of concerning poetry. He only enjoyed reading English poems.
“I admire poets” Sudais said knowing only through this way she will reveal what she admires. “That must be interesting” she passed a smile which Sudais perceived as a perfect opportunity, as an opening of the gateway where he was now allowed to enter as all the obstacles have perished.
“I also write poems” Sudais continued hoping to keep it going, knowing well he has never written a verse in his life. He didn’t know how to write one but was ready to claim it because it seems like the only way to impress her.
“Would you care to read a couple of my pomes just so if you can read and let me know how i write?” Sudais felt satisfied for what he has said, he knew he has played the shot masterfully. She nodded and left with a smile. Sudais ran towards both of them who were waiting curiously for the news, for the story.
“It’s not much of an achievement” Khushal replied
“It is and I’m proud of it” Sudais couldn’t help but to brag about it for the days which followed. Khushal never appreciated a thing like this. He wanted to follow the proper channel which is allowed by the religion, a channel which involves approaching through the parents. He didn’t admire having relations of these kinds and detested them always. Abdullah didn’t wait long for the letter arrived sooner than he expected. He and Sudais as usual were sitting in the canteen when Fajr approached them. She dropped the letter gently on the table making sure it lands at the right spot, passed a quick smile and left like she didn’t want anyone else to capture the moment. He was unable to open it for the strength it required was overwhelmed by the fear of rejection. He didn’t want to read the words which would dishearten him but he didn’t know yet. A part of him wanted to rush towards her words for that part of him had a strong faith and was highly optimistic and encouraged him to open the letter. It had hope and was optimistic.
“I knew you would write a letter or try to approach me through some other mean for it is quite clear from the way you look at me. Your glance is so uncanny that I sometimes feel myself as an anomaly, as not amongst the human beings. You have poured your emotions out in the first letter though you have met me once and that once can merely be called as an interaction. It is better to hold yourself for a while and express feelings once you get to know of my character and believe me it is not at all admirable. I like the overall idea that someone is writing me a letter but it’s just that right now I’m kind of stuck in situations which are hampering my overall way of life. I hope you would absorb these unpleasant words……Fajr”
Abdullah was satisfied. It was not rejection at all but it was not acceptance also, it was the time which will set things right. He knew it that now the door was wide open for him to follow her into the oblivion; he can write more letters now. He wanted the universe to open its arms and embrace him, congratulate him for he has achieved what he wanted. He wrote another letter expressing more of his feelings, writing freely for there was no restriction over it. She also kept on replying passionately with more enthusiasm. With time a good bond formed between them. They didn’t meet in the institution but in the letters very often. He admired the process for the pleasure of it seemed to be not ending. It seemed it would go on for the entire life. He imagined both of them together, sharing the love forever in the vast open world. There was nothing which was going to take it away for the whole universe now seemed to be in favour of it. There was only one thing which he feared. What if after all of this she won’t be the one? What if the creator has not written the desired? What if it he was chasing the wrong girl. Whatever it was he wanted the lord to modify it, to mold it the way he desired for he felt satisfied with it.
It was all decided in the start
Who will suffer, who will cherish the world
Who will meet the desire and who will apart?
It was all decided by the maker of the after world
He remembered his mother Dolat saying it. Dolat in her life persisted upon the idea that there is no self-desire but everything we desire is already written for us. We are only bodies following the path which has been carved out by our lord. Dolat believed in it firmly for her life turned itself in the form she never believed. He agreed to it and it was what he feared. Every time he would write a letter fear was there encompassing him if she wasn’t the one written in his fate. She shifted from hiding her hair to making a pony tail. It was only through the pony tail that he realized how long and attractive her hair was. It was brown at the very tip making it look like a horse hair. She still moved her hand across the right ear every single time she encountered some body. They never met but kept on sharing letters, sharing glances. It was enough for him for it was something providing him with fulfilment. He wanted to meet her but not like this, he wanted to have freedom in his meeting not fear of being caught. Dolat died when Abdullah was in Lahore. Her soul left the body during the sleep and never returned. All souls leave their jisme during sleep. They visit the other universes, some are allowed to return to their jisme and some are held back by the angels upon the will of God. Abdullah went back the instant he heard the news. Akbar didn’t believe it for he was not ready for it. He wanted some time with his wife, time before she departed. Akbar always thought of this, of death departing them but in his thoughts he was the one leaving the world first. He recognized the fact that one day it has to come to an end for this world is not for the fulfilment of desires.