Outlaws of Love

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Ch. 3 - Slip Away



“Let’s see how long that attitude of yours lasts in my classroom, Miss. Hart.“, he said before proceeding to walk away and start teaching the class. Well you’ll have to wait forever, because my attitude isn’t going away anytime soon.

Class ended around 3:00 p.m. and Blaine and I were on our way to our car, but I didn’t want to be in the car with him again.

“You can go along with the driver, I’m walking home.”

“Why?”

“Because I feel like it, do I need a reason to walk now?”

“Calm your ass, I was just asking. And fine, I’m going ahead then.“, he said, leaving me behind and jogging up to the car that was initially waiting for both of us.

I plugged in my headphones and played one of my favorite songs, Can You Hold Me - By: NF ft. Britt Nicole. After listening to that, I listened to another one of his songs, Paralyzed, the lyrics of it hitting me to my very core.

My eyes were closed as I felt both the music and the gentle breeze passing by me, as if it was telling me that I wasn’t alone.

When did I become so numb?
When did I lose myself?
All the words that leave my tongue
Feel like they came from someone else

I’m paralyzed
Where are my feelings?
I no longer feel things
I know I should
I’m paralyzed
Where is the real me?
I’m lost and it kills me inside
I’m paralyzed

When did I become so cold?
When did I become ashamed? (oh)
Where’s the person that I know?
They must have left
They must have left
With all my faith

I’m paralyzed
Where are my feelings?
I no longer feel things
I know I should
I’m paralyzed
Where is the real me?
I’m lost and it kills me inside
I’m paralyzed

I’m paralyzed
I’m scared to live but I’m scared to die
And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago
But it’s still alive
And it’s taking over me where am I?
I wanna feel something, I’m numb inside
But I don’t feel nothing, I wonder why
I’m in the race of life and time passed by
Look, I sit back and I watch it
Hands in my pockets
Waves come crashing over me but I just watch ’em
I just watch ’em
I’m underwater but I feel like I’m on top of it
I’m at the bottom and I don’t know what the problem is
I’m in a box
But I’m the one who locked me in
Suffocating and I’m running out of oxygen

I’m paralyzed
Where are my feelings?
I no longer feel things
I know I should
I’m paralyzed
Where is the real me?
I’m lost and it kills me inside

I’m paralyzed (I’m just so paralyzed)
Where are my feelings? (yeah, I’m just so paralyzed)
I no longer feel things (I have no feelings)
I know I should (oh how come I’m not moving why aren’t I moving ay yeah)
I’m paralyzed
Where is the real me? (where is the real me, where is the real me?)
I’m lost and it kills me inside (I’m paralyzed, I’m paralyzed)
I’m paralyzed (I’m paralyzed)

I felt a tear threaten to fall down my left eye, but I harshly wiped it away and didn’t let anymore fall.

“No Xia, you can’t cry. You’re not allowed to do things like that remember? Someone like you can’t have feelings.“, I told myself harshly, continuing to walk on the nearly empty sidewalk.

Around fourty-five minutes passed, and I was finally in front of my “home”. Quite honestly, it didn’t feel like it was home for me. How could it be when it was the one place where I felt the most suffocated? The most unloved, unappreciated, and neglected?

I walked inside and of course got yelled at for choosing to walk instead of coming home with Blaine, but it didn’t even affect me anymore.

I picked out a small fruit salad from the fridge and walked up the stairs, knowing I wouldn’t step out of my room again until tomorrow morning. Was a small fruit salad enough food for me, considering that I barely ate anything all day? No, but that’s all I could get myself to stomach without feeling sick or insecure about my body.

The next two days at school went by fairly similar to the previous two, and I was currently about to walk into Mr. Moreau’s class again, when I saw someone inside that made my heart stop.

Nathan?

“Are you going to keep standing there, Xia? Or will you actually do us all the honor of gracing us with your presence and taking your seat?“, Mr. Moreau asked sarcastically, but I was too shocked to care about what he was saying.

I walked in and sat down at my usual seat, the questions continuing to flood my mind.

Why is Nathan here, and since when? Why haven’t I seen him in the last two days then? And why the fuck didn’t Blaine tell me about him being in the same school as us?

“Xia? Is that really you?“, I heard the familiar voice ask once they were standing a few feet away from me. The voice that once made me feel like I had something to wake up for, now was the same voice that felt like needles prickling at my skin.

“Don’t lose your cool, Xia.“, I mentally told myself. “Just act like you don’t care anymore.”

“Yeah, and? Do you need something?”

“What’s with that cold attitude? Are you sure you’re the same Xia I think you are?”

“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. Who knows?“, I questioned in a lighthearted tone that was also laced with sarcasm, but on the inside I was begging for someone to take him away from in front of me. The longer he stood in front of me, the more I felt like my heart was breaking into pieces.

“Weren’t you known as the sweet and bright, nerdy girl back then? We used to be close friends, so why are you being cold to me right now?”

“Precisely what you just said. We used to be friends, we aren’t anymore. So I don’t see any reason as to why I should show care towards you at the moment.“, I deadpanned before taking my eyes off of his and proceeding to look at my phone.

I felt Mr. Moreau’s stare on both of us but I paid no attention to it. Soon, Nathan quietly scoffed to himself before shaking his head and walking back to his seat.

Mr. Moreau was giving the class a lecture about ionic and covalent bonds, but my mind was elsewhere. I felt it drift away to it’s dark space again and memories from the past about Nathan kept on clouding my thoughts.

I felt my breathing start to falter and I knew that if I didn’t try distracting myself, I might go through an anxiety attack in front of everyone. I knew what I was about to do would get me in trouble, but it’s not like I haven’t gotten into trouble before. And besides, I needed it at the moment.

I reached my hand down to my backpack that was placed on the floor beside my chair, and took out my black flask. I twisted the cap off and started chugging the contents inside as quietly as I could, feeling the bitter alcohol burn my throat, but it eased my nerves.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing in my classroom, Xia?!“, I heard Mr. Moreau’s voice roar, making me slightly flinch, but I didn’t show it.

“Drinking.”

“Yeah? And while you’re on it, mind telling us what drink is inside of that flask?”

“Vodka.“, I said in a carefree tone, as if there was nothing wrong in what I was doing.

“What is wrong with you?“, he asked, putting emphasis on the word ‘wrong’. “Why are you so reckless? Is it really that hard to just at least get through the school hours without causing commotion?”

“What’s wrong with me? Well why don’t you answer that question yourself since you seem to know sooo much about people like me, because as far as I’m concerned, your bitchass isn't gonna get an answer from me.”

“I will NOT tolerate such disrespect from someone, and that from a student like you.“, he said with anger evident in his voice. "Watch what comes out of that mouth of yours."

“Well too fucking bad then, because an asshole like you deserves it.“, I snarked back in a raised tone as his eyes lit up in amusement. I heard the class go dead silent at hearing the sound of my voice speaking that loudly for the first time, since I usually was good at talking in a calm and collected tone. Was I going to regret this later? Maybe. But I didn’t give a damn at this point, because he was irritating me like no one ever had before.

“You should rethink your actions and apologize while I still give you the chance, Miss. Hart.”

“Apologize? For what? I’m not apologizing for being myself, and I’m definitely not apologizing to someone like you, so don’t expect such things from me.”

“Seems like I’ve been too patient with you all this time, did no one ever teach you how to respect others? And I didn’t know that being yourself meant being a reckless, disrespectful brat who probably has nothing to look forward to in the future. Get yourself together before you disappoint anyone else, because you’ve already disappointed me and it’s been just a few days since you’ve gotten transferred here.“, he said coldly, not knowing he hit a nerve. “Now stop being a distraction to everyone and get out of my classroom.”

“Fuck you, Mr. Moreau.“, I spat coldly, throwing the vase from his desk onto the floor, hearing it shatter as I walked out.

I continued drinking the vodka while I was walking through the seemingly empty halls, not knowing that Nathan was at the classroom's door, watching my every step the whole time to check where I was going.

It seems like not eating properly for so long and now drinking vodka on an empty stomach, took too much of a toll on my body because I suddenly start staggering and struggled to continue walking in a straight line. I put one of my hands on a nearby locker to stop myself from falling, and once I felt that I could somewhat walk again, I retreated my hand and walked towards the staircase.

Walking up the stairs started getting more and more difficult with every passing second, and I soon started feeling lightheaded. I saw black spots in my vision and felt my hand detach from the railing as I let my body fall backwards. But I was confused because instead of feeling the impact of the cold tiled floor, I fell into something firm, but warm and gentle.

I could barely make out the face of the person who caught me or what they were saying, but I instinctively grabbed onto their shirt and hid my face in their chest.

"Please don't hurt me.", I whispered, half conscious.

"I've got you, don't worry.", was the last thing I heard before I let myself slip away into complete darkness.


//////

Author's Note:

Oooohhhh, some juicy shit just happened. Who do you think Nathan is and what's his relationship/past with Xia? And who do you think stopped Xia from falling down the staircase? Was it Nathan or someone else? - Venus :)

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