Deeana sits in her bed, feeling lost and low. It's pretty much how she has been feeling the last two months Joe has been away from her. Her dear friend Brenda messaging, knowing she is down and hurt. She was there to listen to her when she could, having her own problems, and not able to always be there as much as she wanted to be.
"Hey, girl, what's up? I know I haven't spoken to you in a while, things have been crazy." Brenda says.
"Not much is up, same old." Deeana answers.
"Ok, girl you don't seem yourself, how are you feeling?" Brenda asks.
"I am upset I hurt so bad. I don't know what the hell happened to me, I was so cold, I didn't let anything in for so long. Now I feel everything, and it's driving me crazy."Deeana admits.
"Is it about your marriage?"Brenda asks.
"It's about Joe mostly. I chase and chase.....and get nowhere. Nothing I do works. I don't know what to do anymore. I did try calling...it went to voice mail, so I take it he is blocking me? I email, they go through so at least he didn't block me there. Facebook I can still see him, I can message but he doesn't return them or look, I think he just put them on ignore. It just hurts me, that he can stay away from me, for weeks at a time. It makes me confused, you want us? But you don't talk to me? Maybe it's just me? It's just that I am willing to leave everything to be with him, and he said he wants me then does this." Deeana admits.
"He did tell you he shuts down? He gets quiet, that it is just him. Not that its ......good but he told you. I know you overthink everything, just maybe give him some time." Brenda advises.
"I am doing my best, trying to let him know that I am still here while he is going through whatever he is going through. That I love him, and I am here if he needs me. I guess it's just all of a sudden with him I can say how I feel, I am not locked up anymore, and I need some communication. I understand he is busy, but to say hey how are you? I miss you? What hurts me the most is he ran after his ex, but he doesn't run after me....he just let me go for five weeks and if I didn't email him, would he ever have emailed me back?" Deeana vents.
"Maybe he doesn't feel he has to chase you, he knows you are there. I know you're going through a lot, you just need to have some faith, some positive." Brenda suggests.
"Ha, you know how I am, I think of everything and no it's not all positive, that's the problem. I have so much going on, and I just wonder at times if I am doing the right thing?" Deeana says.
"I know you do, Doing the right thing with what? How is the marriage going?"Brenda asks.
"The marriage is over, it has been for years. This just didn't start with Joe, it was way before him. Just now I am at the point where I see my husband and I just want out. Then my overthinking steps in, am I doing the right thing? Not because I love him, or want him, because honestly and sadly I don't. It's more because I am comfortable with the finances, and I will be changing my children's lives around. But what scares me the most is, I am doing this to be with someone else, and if Joe doesn't want the same, I just fucked up everyone else's lives, I haven't been happy for years, I can get over it and deal like I always have. "Deana confesses.
"Look, you don't love or want him, I know your scared its all you have known for so many years, anyone would be scared. We are all scared of the unknown. Probably Joe is also. But it would be best if you set yourself free. Even if it doesn't involve Joe, at least you will have peace and freedom. Your children will get over it, he is still their father. I am going through it now, it's not as bad as you think it is." Brenda states.
"I have been working on it, even with the fears. We had a fight he said he should go, I said maybe he should. I haven't talked to him since or seen him. I stay away from him as much as I can. We live in the same house but it's like we live states away. I know it will take a little more, but he does see, there is nothing here. I just am trying for it to come out of his own head, that way maybe it won't be as bad. I know how petty he can get, I also know he thinks he is trying to make this work....." Deeana comments.
I am glad you are working on it even with the fears, don't give up. There is more out there than this. Even if it's just your freedom like I said. How is he trying to make it work?" Brenda asks.
"He bought a washer...and some other things. He thinks that will make things better. He asks me what I want, to go to the Walmart site to look and pick it out.....I send a link, and then he goes and picks what he wants. Totally disregarding what I sent, or want. What bothered me the most, was he wanted to buy an air conditioner for our daughter's room. He sends me to go look at them, I did it, sending the link, and saying the brand he wants has a warning about reproductive problems. I said our girls are young, maybe we should find another brand. He said and who wants them? They will be fine. WHO The fuck says that about their own children? That pretty much was the last straw, I even sent him a link to another air conditioner without the warning, he said, I already bought the other one it will be here Wednesday. This is what he calls trying? "No matter what I try lately it doesn't work?" " Deeana snaps.
"WTF? Man, he is an asshole. I guess he figured buying things would fix it...I am not really sure what he is thinking. Shit girl, I don't know. Just hang in there, and keep doing what you are doing, at least he is seeing the light to go. Concentrate on that and hopefully, the rest will follow. You said Joe went through a bad breakup and relationship? Maybe that is what is holding him back to, he has fears. Just like you, he doesn't want to get hurt again." Brenda replies.
"I completely understand that, and I don't ever want to hurt him. Just like I see and know he isn't Phill. He needs to see that I am not her. We can't make the other one suffer for what our past did to us. If we don't try, we are the one to lose out not them." Deeana states.
"That is so true, just it takes a lot to take that leap. If Joe doesn't do this will you find someone else? After you leave Phill?" Brenda asks.
"No, I am done. He is the only one I really wanted to do this with. I been dead and closed off for years, and I was happy that way. I will just go back to that. I will never be able to love anyone like this again, its been all these years. All these hopes, and wishes. It's just different with Joe. If he doesn't go through with it, I just want to heal and move on. No more love." Deeana states.
"Girl, geez you make me cry for you. I hope he gets over whatever is going on and comes to you. That you both heal together and have your happy ending." Brenda answers.
"I do too. Don't mention cry, I do it every night before bed, and pray to god, to bring him back. I prayed before to bring me someone that would love me as I loved him. He brought Joe back into my life, I just hope that meant something. It had to mean something." Deeana responds.
"I am sure it did. We will just have to wait and see. Sometimes it's all in due time. " Brenda says.