After talking to Brenda, Deeana sits and really thinks about what she wants, and all she even said in the email to Joe. She loved Joe with all her heart, but he wasn't the only reason she wanted away from Phill. She wanted away from Phil for a very long time. She knew she shouldn't have put it all on Joe or make him feel that it was all his doing. She realizes that she stated that wrong in her emails, and even in her own mind.
She did hope that Joe would be there after all this would be over, that she would get to have a life with him, and share everything she wanted to with him. That he wanted the same. It's pretty much what she was trying to ask, and see, just sometimes with all her overthinking she didn't put the right words in motion.
She also knew that the last few months she was going through a lot. She had grown a lot through this, seeing what she really wanted, even with her fears, she just sees that she has to let go of the fears and also protecting others. It was time she protected herself and did something for herself. She loved her kids, but she needed a life that she would be happy with, and that was without Phill, If Joe was there for her or not, or they worked or not. She didn't want to grow old and suffer with Phill.
A few days go by and she finally sees Phill, having to go downstairs and keep the stuff he had bought. She walks right by him, wishing he wasn't there, just keeping that to herself. She wonders if he is going to bring up what happened at the beginning of the week, and she could finally say what she feels for him to go. She has what she would say in the back of her mind and ready to aim.
Phil, says hello, and starts a regular conversation, trying to be nice, and act as if nothing took place. She never told him, he should leave. Deeana just stands there, baffled.
"How could he just get over what took place? How can he act as if nothing happened.? It wasn't just a regular fight!" Deeana says to herself a bit defeated.
She just acts neutral and goes back upstairs, trying to figure out what the next step could be. She sees this isn't going to be as easy as that. He was in denial, she just couldn't understand why? Their marriage was shit, they had nothing. It was now worse then ever, why was he trying to act as if it wasn't?
She goes to Brenda needing to talk.
"Hey what's up?" Brenda says.
"He is acting as if nothing took place, everything is freaking great. What the hell is wrong with him?" Deeana asks.
"You didn't really think it was going to be that easy did you? You said you want it to come out of his head its going to take a bit longer, just keep doing what you are doing. He will get tired. You are also going to have to give yourself a time frame, if this doesn't work then what?" Brenda says.
"Ok, fine, I can do that. I will give myself a few months until Jan. Our daughter's birthday is then after that if he doesn't see the light. I am going to just have to come out and say it. No more playing games. Plus that will give me time to save up more money, and be ready for this when it happens. It just pissed me off that he just let it go." Deeana replies.
"That's a man for you. But he sees it, he is just trying to ignore it, but he won't for long, you said he made comments. He knows you are changing." Brenda responds.
"Yes, he does. I am not the same person at all. I finally found my voice. I don't put up with anything he says anymore, I speak up. I was too much in my head before about everything, and it made me crazy. I see now, I am clear, I have to go after what I want.I have to do it for me, and no one else. I am tired of always making everyone else happy, its time to make myself happy. I also see I put everything on Joe, and I am really sorry I did that. Yes, I will leave for him, but it's nOt only that. I am leaving because I want out of this mess. Joe is just giving me the strength to see myself, and finally, let go of this. There was fear that he wouldn't be there after I did this so I panicked and wrote him, but even if he isn't, I want my freedom, I don't want to be married to Phill anymore." Deeana answers.
"That is ok, we make our emotions rule sometimes, and I know you really care about him. When he comes back you two need to talk. You need to tell him what you want and feel. Also that it's not all him. I don't think he wants to be part of that....he caused your marriage to fold. Or he thought he did it, since its really not him." Brenda states.
"I know, I just hope he knows its not all him. It's just a big mess." Deeana says.
"Join the club." Brenda laughs.