A Love From the past.

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Chapter 4

Chapter 4

When Deeana was twenty she met a man, they talked online and fell in love. This was her first real dating experience. He was eleven years older than her and lived a few states away from her. Just the more they talked the more they grew to like one another. Thoughts of Joe remained in her mind, but she knew it was time to let go. It wasn’t happening, she didn’t even know where he was or how to contact him.

For Joe he was still coming back and forth to PA, just not thinking about Deeana. He had his own life and wished he could find someone to be with. Never thinking that Deeana still cared or even wanted him. That was just grade school, people move on.

Deeana did, she had no choice when she was twenty-three she married Phil. The relationship had its ups and downs but she was hoping for the best. Leaving the dreams of her grade school love behind and moving on. She loved Phil and was hoping that the marriage would be everything she ever wanted. She was young and very naive, it was one thing Phil really liked about her. He felt he could train her, his way, make her be what he wanted, not what she really was. It was a mistake from the start, she just didn’t see it till it was way too late.

For Joe he was dealing with his own things at the moment, he had his own first real true love. He was happy for the first time in forever, it just didn’t last. His love was taken from him and died in front of him leaving him hurt, and alone. His heart in pieces. Deeana wasn’t even a memory to him at this point. He was lost in his own grief and life. Falling apart, piece by piece. This wasn’t the life he had imagined. This wasn’t what he was hoping for. He loved her and wanted to marry her, and now she was gone.

Some time passes and Deeana has her first child with her husband, the marriage ok at the moment. They live with her mom since she didn’t want to leave her alone. Phil accepting that and not really caring about it, that wasn’t a problem. Just Phil wasn’t everything Deeana wanted in a husband. He would say things to hurt her, and it was just the start of the marriage. Always trying to manipulate her.

When they first had gotten married Deeana sat down and talked to Phil. Telling him she didn’t want to have a child right away. She wanted to spend some time just being them, being together. They lived far away from each other while dating so now they were finally together in person and she wanted to enjoy that. Plus she was young, she had plenty of time for a child. Phil agrees, even though he knows that isn’t how he feels. Instead of being honest with her, he plays her knowing she is young and naive and will listen and trust him. At the time, they didn’t use condoms and Phil says he will take care of things like he did when they were dating. Deeana says fine, trusting him and believing he wouldn’t ever go behind her back. Just later after the conversation, they have sex and she finds herself pregnant a few weeks later. Knowing that he did this on purpose, which just makes her resent him.

She knows for sure that he tricked her when he tells her mother, he wanted to have a child. Being older than Deeana he wasn’t sure if he could have one and wanted to make sure before it was too late. Just instead of telling Deeana this, he tricked her. This makes Deeana very upset with him, just keeping it to herself. He never knew just how much she resented him for this, not even till this day. She just hid it and dealt with it. Even though at the time, she wasn’t ready at all to have a child. She was still one herself. She felt forced into things, at the same time, feeling like a fool not taking care of herself so he couldn’t do this to her. It was just too late for that.

The child is born a little girl, Phil very happy about the whole thing. The proud father. Deeana isn’t so excited she just plays that way. Still wondering if she is ready for this. Still resenting him and holding a grudge. Just one he doesn’t know about. When they hand her this little tiny baby girl, Deeana feels nothing, she is empty inside. Not understanding why just knowing this isn’t good. She keeps that to herself also, its how she deals with things, always hiding her feelings from others, keeping a cold outer exterior. It kept her hard and sane through most of her life. Telling Phil how she felt wasn’t going to get her anywhere, just more complaints.

They just take McKayla home, Deeana doing everything she needs to for the child. Just not feeling anything towards it like you should. Phil doesn’t notice anything since she does everything she is supposed to. Getting up in the middle of the night to feed the child as he lays there and snores away. Saying he has to go to work and can’t do anything. He needs his sleep. Deeana takes it in her stride, she doesn't find motherhood hard at all, she just wishes she felt more towards the child.

Months go by, and she still feels the same, just pushing on with the marriage and parenthood, rethinking both of them at times. She finally realizes that she has postpartum. Also feeling the resentment she felt towards him, moved onto the child. Which wasn’t good in any way. No matter what this was her child, her daughter. Nothing was going to change that she was here, she needed her. She was her mother, and Deeana wanted to be a good one. One the child would always know was there for her, as her own mother was for her. She pushes through her resentment, and pain and starts being a real mother in every way of the word.

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