Regrets of decisions are memeories made
My body was a temple at least that’s what I was always told .
To nurture,care and respect yourself . But I didn’t have time to prepare for when he consumed me .
When he came with his darkness to swoop me in, caging me ,tainting me .
Something quite beastly against something so innocent.
Yet still I liked it .
I liked the way his tongue came down so heatedly on my flesh .
The way it flicked and turned up as he craved the letters of his name into what he claimed was his .
Me ,my body,my mind and my soul was now on display in the Santiago show.
It was foolish of me to think I would have gotten away with it .
Stealing her Man in the most gruesome way.
It was selfish of me, but to ask if I regret it?
Not in a heartbeat .
It started last year ,the affair. It was the 1st of December 2019 .
I was returning home after two years of being alone. Two years since she took the one thing I wanted to claim my own.
And I think its the way he spreads me wide to stare at my wet folds with such fascination that causes my pearl to ache .
Begging to be touched that contributed to me not giving two fucks. But as I looked up into his eyes I knew this was going to be anything but easy . I knew we were just at the tip of the hurricane for as my darling had stated before I was a naughty girl just waiting to be punished.
And as a result I was flipped onto my stomach before my eyelids could have the chance to blink. With such an aggressive force used to shove my face into the soft proclaimed mattress.
Yet still even as a brute with his harsh actions it all but added to the intensity of the situation of being with him
It had been two hours since we’d been intimate and awhile after he left. Leaving me alone, it’s actually quite funny.
This recurring cycle of me always being alone. I busied myself as I thought more on the matter.
Dusting, wiping, opening the windows and cleaning the sheets anything really to rid the room of the aroma of sex.
Of the lingering smell of two bodies making love , their skin slapping together.
But most of all I wanted to abolish the stench of a pre-meditated sinful action.
Imagine if mother were to ever find out she’d look at me as if I was an abomination . Like she didn’t do this to me. Though it’s hilarious really as a little girl especially if you grew up in a church like me.
They teach you to do no sinful action and speak no angry words but they also should have told you that God helps those who help their damn selves.
And I intended to do just that help myself to my souls deepest craving.
As flashbacks of our life before zoomed past my eyes right up to the day it all ended.
The day a mother would betray her child and choose a girl that wasn’t even her own for money.
They say love is one of the most powerful emotions along side hatred and that there’s a fine line to cross between the two.
And sadly that’s the shit I’m on ,wondering if am gonna cross it .
Are my walls gonna break?
A million thoughts running through my head as I’m sliding down the cold titled floor.
I guess somehow I ended up in the bathroom with these endless tears flowing down my cheeks . As if they were branding me metaphorically as though to say I’m weak and unfit.
As if telling me I deserved it this continuous conflict.
My body now feeling the effects of the morning I had starts to shut down .
And I don’t really fight It I just close my eyes and let it happen as I welcome my comforter.
Waking up wasn’t the most blissful thing especially when its to making out with the floor.
But as I got up everything finally sank in and I couldn’t believe it .
I had let him in after one night of seeing him again and he had already familiarized himself with my body.
I had permitted him to peek every door and explore every valley.
I gave it up so fucking willingly it was almost unbelievable .
To say I’d blame it on the rush of emotions for just seeing him again would be a lie. I ’ve thought about him every night since the I do’s and flooded my pillows and sheets with the mountains of what if’s.
Yet rising to my feet i didn’t particularly feel the ache of sleeping on the floor. Although there were pains else where but that is to be expected as he was no ordinarily sized man .
Strangely enough I savored it , I allowed myself to indulge in the simplicity of the idea of him inside me .
It took the phone ringing for me to jump two feet in the air shocked.
Catching myself I glanced in the mirrior and began to smile like a Cheshire cat.
I felt so energic I almost forgot the phone was still ringing.
Walking towards it though I paused and looked at the number then debated whether or not I should answer it.
I mean it was my mother and all but she and I never really got along especially after her betrayal.
While contemplating the phone stopped making the choice for me .In away I felt bad but I couldn’t let her kill my first good mood in a long while. It was time I started doing me and not living the dictated life she wanted for me .
I wanted to experience the risk and danger that came with being wild and free. I wanted to feel him under me again ,I couldn’t bare with being lonely anymore not after the taste of ecstasy.
That thought alone only confirming how long I’ve been living in the dark for my body especially buzzing in agreement with the feel of him still fresh as ever.
How the emotions came back so strong had me thinking I was running a fever.
Not wasting any more time I decided to hit the shower not bothering to check the temperature .
But as I stepped in and the cold water droplets penetrated on my skin. My mind took me to a place where it was all about him. And that’s when I knew I had fallen in again.