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"Please don't i repeat don't fart in my car." By the time he finished pleading I had already released a huge silent fart and I got out quietly just as Rose waved me goodbye and hastily slid inside. I sighed in relief but I knew what was coming next. Three two one and BAM! "You sick witch what's wrong with you?" He yelled in pure disgust covering his nose as he practically jumped out of his car and Rose followed suite fixing me with a blank stare but I knew what was to follow. Ko

Romance / Humor
Pathokuhle. P Ncube
4.5 2 reviews
Age Rating:


My chest was starting to hurt, I could barely breathe as I kept on rushing against the cold air filled with a murky smell from sewers to the dirtiest alleys known to mankind. I am a morning person but these type of mornings I hated the most. With a bustling hangover and a sore body from yesterday's episode of my carefree life I wanted nothing more than another round of sleep. I hadn't been at my apartment in days. There were renovations taking place and the noise of metal clanking was too much. My friend Layla and her boyfriend whom I shared the apartment with had left for her parent's house until the renovations were over and done with. This was a week ago and I had been shacking up at a trailer park with my aunt May, always stoned that one I tell you. I don't even think she noticed that I left on Friday. Poor woman always drinking and smoking crap to get away from the loss of her family after her bitter divorce to her husband of twenty six years. She was a herbalist doctor always traveling the world alongside her Cardiologist husband. They were both into charity work but we'll they say marriage is never easy. I guess whatever transpired between them must have been hurtful to the point where she succumbed to wine and marijuana after her divorce. Tsk tsk tsk poor woman.

My stomach kept on growling all the way resulting in people giving me weird stares. How I regret not taking my bestfriend's offer to leave with him yesterday night instead of following the next morning but no, I just had to have things my own way— the stupid one as always especially when I'm dead drunk. Trudging through a sea of people with my worn out bag I had to apologise at least a few times before bumping into someone else or tripping on my feet.

"Watch it you old hag." A guy in his early twenties cursed at me casting a menacing glare my way.

"Sorry." I had zoned out again and stepped on another asshole, great just great. At least this time I'm an old hag better than a stupid bitch or a dumb fuck. Where and when do people even come up with these insults? It's weird that somebody could sit down and start plotting how to curse at people, it's a shame such a waste of valuable time. Oh well it's not like I'm the most intelligent woman anyway. I'm not eligible to judge them considering my own wasted life. Pfftt

This part of town is a busy street and I regret not taking the other road. It may be longer but it doesn't have as much stuck up disrespectful assholes who do not know how to treat people or better yet acknowledge an apology when they hear one but then again who can blame them? Most of these so-called 8 to 5 city workers are bored with their debt ridden lives —if you can call it that. From college loans to house mortgages none of them can afford a misery-free life until they are old and frail with nothing and nowhere to go except a nursing home. It is highly unlikely to hear them boasting about their jobs or families or lives except their college years. They most certainly take these low-income jobs to pay off debts whilst looking to find something better along the way. Huh! Believe me I tried that life and left it within six months and that was five years ago— I'm still jobless to date by the way but if I had to be offered my job back, let me just say no thank you I will pass. I couldn't stand the same boring faces all day everyday complaining about their kids and cheating husbands as if they were any better with their constant whining. I worked at a marketing company as a Human Resources Liason —the most boring post in the entire universe. My job was easy, anyone who wanted to see the public relations officer had to pass through me— for what? To date I do not know.

"Taxi." I hailed at the oncoming cab waving like a maniac only to have it snatched by an elegant looking couple coming out of one of the buildings behind me.

"Hey! I was first you partial dick." I yelled at him flaying my hands in the air dramatically just for good measure and he flipped me off. Seriously the nerve of that cabbie and those two thieving strangers—some people tsk tsk tsk . I watched him as he barrelled down the road with no vein of care in the world. . I shouldn't have shouted too much because of my head.

"Maybe you should have listened to me yesterday dummy." My bestfriend scolded as he got out of his white two door BMW.

"Piper! Gosh I've never been so happy to see you. You're an angel wrapped in a...."

"Just shut up and get inside the car. It's your first day and you're already late, if you weren't my bestfriend I would fire you the minute you stepped in my premises." He warned me taking my luggage but not before giving it a disgusted look over. He literally threw it in the boot and took a handkerchief to wipe his hands. I shrugged sliding in the passenger seat careful not to hit my aching head, and then shut the door closed. His Creed cologne wafting inside the car was a pure refreshment from the nusty smell outside.

"And here I am thinking I'm still a 30 year old jobless woman with nothing but a college degree. You're a lifesaver you know that." I praised him as he put on a seatbelt over his thick physique. The guy is a walking sculpted human being, an incomparable work of art in its magnificence. He works out all day everyday— ok maybe not all day but jeez his torso is ripped to the Tee. Let's not talk about his thunder thighs— five years of training, running, weight lifting...

"Gemma" I looked up to his face smiling guiltly

"Stop gawking, I have to drive and I can't do anything with you being a total creep." He laughed lightly scratching his chin— something he does when he's embarrassed.

"I'm in a nice sports car with a handsome rich 25 year old blonde with blue eyes clad in a designer suit, what do you expect a single 30 year old brunette to do with a sexy Pie? Ofcourse I'm going..."

"Enough of your silliness just shut it. I'm not taking you to the office —yet." He said as he drove down not taking his eyes off the road.

"Why the hell not?" I opened his dashboard taking out my favorite snack— yep you guessed wrong bitches it's a healthy oatmeal bar.

"Language." He scolded again hitting the brakes hard making me bump my pounding head on the dashboard.

"Ouch! Is that necessary?" I asked rubbing the painful part of my head. It is the only thing left between me and my reckless life. I cast him a mean look only to be met with a death glare. I followed his gaze as he alternated it between my lap and my face and dang I saw it—i forgot to put the seat belt on.

"Sorry." I apologized and my stomach growled loudly boiling from the inside. He started driving again not even responding to me. I kept thinking of ways to die from his glare and trust me none of them were good.

"I'll drop you off at my apartment because you reek of everything sinful and Rose is waiting for me there. She'll be posing as my girlfriend at my mother's event. Oh speak of an angel there she is." He pointed out to her

"Don't forget to take your luggage out of the boot and here." He said handing me a set of two keys. Rose is our British lesbian friend from those rich classy families. Her family sent her here last year after her last scandal —she is a rebel in big bold letters.

At 24 Rose Addington has done more rebellious things than a normal rebel in her lifetime. From breaking into police cars just for a quick fuck to dry humping her father's assistant in the midst of a meeting while her friend recorded both scenarios and posted them on YouTube, the young woman is a filthy rich walking ticking time bomb. She's beautiful like fucking gorgeous every woman we've come across envies her but damn her behavior. Piper never leaves me with her especially after what we both did at his friend's party. Rose hired a group of twenty male strippers using Blake's stolen ID— for his party, after he threw homophobic slurs at her when she declined his advances prior to that party. It was comic to watch him explaining—infront of five hundred guests to be precise— how he had not hired male strippers with his own ID. Blake thought one of his friends did it as a joke and planned to get revenge on him as soon as he found out who did it. However, our guilty faces gave us away to Piper when he saw Rose and I exchange sneaky glances at the table. He did not snitch on us but the punishment we received after was so worth it. At the end of the party Rose had a ordered enlarged photo of Blake's butt written in big bold letters I'M A TWISTED FREAK STILL IN THE CLOSET BUT HERE IS MY BUTT FOR GRABS to be placed behind him as he gave his last speech. How Rose did all that in a space of a week or better yet how she managed to pull that off in the face of a tight security is still a mystery to me. It was the most embarrassing moment for a senator's son but everyone had secretly applauded whoever did it. Quite frankly, Blake is your typical spoiled rich handsome guy living vicariously through his mother's behavior and everyone disliked him.

"Thank you and sorry for messing up your date with your parents, give them my love." My stomach growled but I covered it up with a smile.

"When was the last time you took a bath?" He scrunched up his face slowing down to a halt. My stomach growled again and this time it was harder to hold it in.

"Friday morning." I barely wheezed a response firmly holding my stomach in and tightening my butthole at the same time.

"Please don't i repeat don't fart in my car." By the time he finished pleading, I had already released a huge silent fart and got out quietly just as Rose waved at me and hastily slid inside. I sighed in relief but I knew what was coming next.

Three two one and BAM!

"You sick witch what's wrong with you?" He yelled in pure disgust covering his nose as he practically jumped out of his car and Rose followed suite with a blank stare but I knew what was to follow.

"Tell me you didn't just fart in there and let me eat your horrid poop in a gaseous state?" Rose calmly asked in her raw British accent. Instinctively I feigned a confused face dramatically putting my hand over my chest and shook my head frantically. She turned to Piper and threw her Gucci handbag at him. That was my cue as I took my luggage out of the boot staggering with it on my way to the flat entrance.

"Ouch! What the hell you crazy moron? Can't you tell she's lying?" Piper yelled in pain when the hard leather bag hit his head. It was hilarious watching him fuss over getting hit by a handbag such that I doubled over in laughter dropping my luggage as I wheezed unable to control myself. My dose of laughter expired as soon as it started though, because they both fixed me with murderous stares and Rose charged at me ready to pounce. I was saved by Piper who jumped between us holding Rose in place, her chest rose and fell ready to burst from fuming. I cowered behind using him as a shield.

"Too bad I'm going to this stupid fundraising event but mark my words Gemma, imma slit your throat with a blunt knife you old fuck!" She was downright crazy as she all but yelled the last part. As strange as it sounded I could actually feel the blade across my neck and the smug evil look on her face. I literally cringed at those thoughts such that I closed my eyes in fear and shook my head trying to stop them only to find Piper staring at me strangely.

"What?" I asked still feeling guilty for getting him in trouble and wasting his time. I noticed Rose had gone back to the car and was already seated. So much for forseeing my death.

"You're doing that weird thing again." He shook his head probably thinking I've gone mad "Go freshen up I will come and fetch you later." I nodded my head and mouthed sorry clasping my hands together while inwardly praying to be forgiven. He just stared at me his face softening, I looked down in embarrassment and turned to leave but he dragged me back by my oversized hoodie and hugged me. I tilted my head upwards inwardly screaming in exotic languages because I knew what was to follow —our bestfriend tradition. He ducked his head slightly and right where I wanted— kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes a bit inhaling his cologne taking in as much as I could before fluttering my eyes open to get lost in that deep blue ocean of his.

"When will you grow up Gemma?" He sighed sadly gazing into my own big brown eyes.

"Oi!" Rose shouted, with half her body out the window drawing the passerbys' attention, "If you two love birds need a quick fuck go on upstairs or else get your butt in here right now you twart."

Piper hugged me one more time and got into his car speeding off instantly. I sighed defeatedly thinking of how sad he looked because of my supposedly childish behavior as he solemnly put it. I regretted doing the things I did but I had no choice. It's my nature to be playful he just didn't get it. This was my only escape from my problems. Joking, playing and just being reckless but I knew when it was time to be serious. I picked my luggage from the pavement and went straight to the reception.

"Hi Boris." I hugged the man behind the counter and pulled away with a smile. Boris was the go to guy for my problems. I always sort his advice whenever things got heated between Piper and I.

"What did you do this time little girl?" Boris asked with his strong thick Russian accent. Like I said, I sort advice from him because he was not only a nice fatherly figure to me but also good at reading faces. He knew when I was happy or sad such that I gave up trying to conceal it with a fake smile all the time. Everyone else in this building was skeptical of him except for me— even Piper didn't get how Boris, a huge tall tough man got along with little short me. We were complete opposites in everything, for starters he is a 45 year old serious Russian guy with no time for jokes and stoic to the Tee whereas I'm a reckless 30 year old always smiling without a care for rules or whatsoever but somehow Boris and I got along so well. The huge difference in our character traits always reminds me of Piper. They are alike the only difference is one is modern and the other is classic. I'm sure if Piper lived in Boris' time they would have made a great pair of friends.

"I was supposed to be his fake date at his mother's art event but I pulled the plug last minute because of my hangover and the fact that his mother always bashes me infront of her guests when Piper isn't in sight." I pouted thinking of all the times when that rich evil woman was mean to me.

"Is that all? What was all the shouting with eh what do you call her?"


"Yah that naughty girl."

"Oh I farted in the car and she got mad because it was stinking when she got in." He boomed with laughter banging his fist on the counter.

"Ok go on. I don't want people to think I'm a maniac laughing at your jokes when I'm supposed to be working." He shook his head still in hysterics as I turned to leave laughing along with him

"And Gemma?" He whisper shouted halting me in my tracks

"Yah" I mimicked him as I turned around ducking my head a little for good measure

"You stink like my ex-wife. Take a long shower in there!" He shouted earning looks from people who were getting out of the elevator. They instantly covered their noses staring me up and down as if I was nothing. They were spot though, I mean I was dressed in the shabbiest of all clothes in my bag. An oversized hoodie and a worn out track bottom along with dirty vans that I found at my aunt's place.

I rushed inside the elevator blushing in embarrassment.

"Damn him."

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