*The worst kind of hurt is betrayal, because it means someone was willing to hurt you just to make themselves feel better.*
Dad visited my hospital room every couple of hours over the next few weeks to make it look like he cared. Pretended to be the caring dad that was concerned for his daughter when the doctors and nurses came in, and when they left he went back to glaring and bitching about how much time he's wasting sitting here. I give Belle my phone and hold her close when he's there.
I convinced Julian to leave on Friday by giving him my number and promising to text or call. I told him my dad doesn't like company and he'd just be annoyed if he were there. It's Wednesday now. Julian said he would collect my absent work for me from all my classes. Dad is signing me out at the front desk and I'm changing into clothes dad brought me from my room. He had plenty to say about how it was taking up more of his time, he wanted to get out of here, and the faster I got changed the faster we'd get back to the hell house. My words, not his.
I was still in pain but Dr. Parker said to make sure I took it easy and presribed me painkillers.
"Let's go," Dad said gruffly, standing in the doorway.
I walked slowly out the door, holding Belle's hand. It put a strain on my stomach to walk but it didn't hurt as bad as before. When we made it out of the hospital doors, dad grabbed my forearm, making sure no one was around, and forced us to walk at his pace to the car. He shoved us into the back and slammed the door shut, not saying a word.
Dad didn't give me a chance to buckle Belle in as he tore out of the parking lot. We flew to the side of the car, knocking Belle into me and my head hit the window. I glared at the back of dad's chair, then started buckling Belle in. I gave her my phone - which was fully charged because Julian had his charger in his backpack and he let me borrow it, saying that he had more at home - then I buckled myself in.
We drove to the house in silence with Belle playing games on my phone. When we got to the house, dad got out of the car and stalked into the house, muttering about how he could've been out by now but instead he's here taking care of us brats.
Well, I'm sorry you can be bothered to take care of your own child.*
I unbuckle Belle as we walk into the house. Dad ignored us completely as I fix us food and bring it upstairs, leaving some on the counter for him.
It's like that for the next couple of weeks. Dad has been completely ignoring us except for when he needs laundry or the dishes done and picking up the scotch and beer bottles off the living room floor. I've gotten an occasional slap and lots of insults but he hasn't done more than that.
Julian told me he's been doing the homework I've been getting assigned in my classes, even the one's he's not in. I told him not to but he wouldn't listen to me and sent pictures of each worksheet he's done so far.
I'm supposed to be resting, hence why I'm home in the first place, but dad keeps making me do work around the house. I'm used to doing everything around here, but now my stomach is in pain, and moving around the house every day isn't making it better. I'm used to being in pain and having to work around the house but he hasn't broken my ribs since I was fourteen.
I have a check-up with Dr. Parker today though and I should be able to go back to school. He has to give me a doctor's not so my absences at school excused.
I haven't been limping much anymore and as Belle and I are walking out of the house to Julian's car so he can drive us to my doctor's appointment, my stomach isn't bothering me at all. My ribs are still a little sore but they don't hurt unless move the wrong way or lift Belle.
We walk a little up the block so dad doesn't have to see Julian picking us up. As we're about to turn the corner, I see Julian's car and wave him over. He pulls up to the sidewalk. I open the backseat to buckle Belle into her car seat that I lugged with us. "Hi, loves," Julian said. My heart flutters again at the word.
"Hi!" Belle exclaims. "Why do you call us love?"
"It's just something British people say, love," He answered.
"Hey," I said as I finished buckling.
"How have you been feeling? Have your ribs been hurting? Your incision?"
"Nope. My stomach doesn't hurt at all."
"Good," He said. "Why didn't you wait for me to come to your house?"
"I told you, my father doesn't like it when people come over. I didn't want to get grounded."
More like beat.
"Can we get ice cream after this, Julian?" Belle asked.
"No," I replied. "I didn't bring any money, baby."
"Julian? Can we?" She asked again, ignoring what I said.
"That's up to your mother, sweatheart," He told her.
"I don't have any money, baby," I repeat. "Another time."
"I don't mind paying, Kenz," Julian said.
"No, you don't need to pay for anything. She can have ice cream another time, it's fine."
Julian looked at Belle in the mirror. "You want ice cream after your mum's apointment?" He asked her.
"Yeah!" She shook her head excitedly, a wide smile on her face.
"Then I'll get you some, yeah? Me and you can ger some during your mum's appointment if that's okay with her."
I don't know about her being alone with Julian. You never truly know a person until they show you their true colors. "No, we can just find something to do together after," I said.
"I really don't mind, and this way she's not bored," He says.
"Hey," He said soflty.
I don't look over until I feel his hand closing over mine that's on my leg. I flinch and try to pull my hand away but he tightens his hold so I can't let go. I look up into his mesmerizing hazel eyes. "You can trust me. I promise," He whispers. He entwines his fingers through mine. How does he always know what I'm thinking?
I look down at our hands that are entangled together. His touch doesn't make my skin crawl like I thought it would. It doesn't make me feel firty like I have to shower to get the feeling or their hands off my skin. It makes me feel safe like nothing can hurt me when he holds me. He runs his thumb over the top of my hand, soothing me more than I care to admit. I shouldn't be letting him in like this. Friend's don't hold hands. Bad things happen when you let people in.
He squeezes my hand and suddenly I feel it again, their hands on my skin. Hitting me, touching me. I shakily untangle my hand from his and put it back in my lap. Julian looks at me curiously and returns his hand to the steering wheel. Besides Belle talking about random things, it's silent between us on the way to the hospital.
As we stop outside the entrance of the hospital, Julian says, "We're going to get ice cream from somewhere and hopefully your appointment will be done when we get back."
"Okay," I said. "It should be. He's only checking to make sure I'm healing right."
I get out of the car and close my door then open the back door. "Be good for Julian, okay?" I said to Belle. "I'll be back soon." I put my index and middle finger together and kiss them. Belle does the same, then interlocks our fingers together. "I love you."
"Love you, too, Mama."
I look to the front to see Julian staring at me intensely like he's trying to figure me out. I look into his eyes for a few seconds then murmer bye to both of them, letting go of Belle's fingers and closing her door.
I walk through the hospital doors and go straight to the waiting room, relieved to see there are only two other people in there. I go and sign in and they give me a clipboard of things to fill out. The usual things I have to fill out for Belle's yearly checkups. Five minutes after I fill it out and hand it back to one of the ladies at the desk, I'm called back and taken to an exam room. After they take my blood pressure, the nurse tells me that Dr. Parker would be in soon.
I'm on my phone when I hear a knock on the door less than five minutes later and Dr. Parker comes in. He closes the door and sets the laptop in his hands at the small desk connected to the wall in the corner of the room. I double-tap the screen of my phone to turn it off and put it in my jacket pocket.
"Hi, McKenzie," He said. "How have you been? Any pain?"
"Not anymore. The first couple of weeks they hurt a lot, but it doesn't hurt unless I pick up something heavy or I move the wrong way. It's not really a pain, more like discomfort."
"That should go away with a few more days of rest."
Like that's going to happen.
"Okay, I'm just going to check your incision, make sure it's healing nicely and then I have a couple of questions for you and then we'll be done."
"Okay," I said.
I forced myself not to flinch when he touched my stomach. The incision was a few inches long across my stomach.
Another scar to add to my already ugly body.
It was still red but when I asked about it he said that would go away with time.
Once he was finished making sure it wasn't infected and making sure my ribs had healed right, he went back to the desk and typed on his computer.
He turned back to face me. "Now, I pulled your file and saw that you had a similar incident a few years ago when you came in with a few broken ribs and you told your doctors you fell down the stairs."
"Okay, and? I told you I'm an active kid. I was running through the house and I tripped and fell down the stairs. And what do you mean you pulled my file? I didn't come to this hospital."
Dad told the paramedics to take me to the hospital a city over in Amherst so people close by wouldn't be suspicios. We live in Lorain Ohio, and people on the block were already concerned enough when they saw the ambulance but when they brought get well gifts dad just told them that I had appendicitis and that it wasn't serious.
"It doesn't matter what hospital you go to. Once you're admitted your name goes through a computer that creates a digital file with your name on it and any doctor at any hospital has access to it."
"I still don't understand what this has to do with anything. You're only supposed to be checking how I'm healing and you did that, so am I able to go now?"
"Yes. You'll have to sign a release form and schedule another appointment with me so I can follow up to make sure your incision still isn't infected," He said.
"Can I have an a paper that excuses my absence from school, please?"
"Yes," He said. "And I want you to stay home for the rest of the week and start school on Monday. Give yourself more time to heal."
Great. Four more days of slaps and insults all day.
Dr. Parker led me out of the room and into the hallway and, after rummaging around a bit, pulled out a piece of paper from a drawer along the side of the wall. He took a pen out of a black coffee mug on top of the drawer and signed the paper. "There you go," He said, handing it to me. "McKenzie, I'm not trying to upset you. It's just routine that when a case that looks like abuse comes in, that we try everything we can to help them."
"And now that you've cleared all this up, I will stop asking," He finished.
"Okay, good. I appreciate you wanting to help but nothing bad is happening to me." I cross my fingers behind my back. "I promise."
He nods his head then leads me out the door. He calls another name off his clipboard as I'm walking to the front desk to sign myself out. See, he doesn't care about me. He's just doing his job. He'd only hurt me more if he found out.
I signed the release form and walked to the elevator. I texted Julian as I sat down on one of the chairs in the lobby asking if they were back yet. He texted back saying that they were waiting in the parking lot. Julian drove up to me when he saw me walking out the hospital doors. I hopped in the front seat and tried to buckle up.
"Everything healing well?" Julian asked before I even had my hand on the seatbelt.
"Yes, everything is fine, Julian," I chuckled.
"Just making sure," He replied.
"Well, I'm okay, so stop worrying," I said. "What kind of ice cream did you guys get."
"Well, we wanted to wait for you so you could get some ice cream too, so we went to the market called Walmart and got Bella a pretty water bottle and some toy horses."
Well, that explains why she has a glittery purple water bottle that reaches her chin sitting in her lap and that small horses she's playing with.
"Thanks, you didn't have to do that. She really loves horses and I've been meaning to put aside some money and getting her some more. I can pay you back when I see you in school 'cause I don't have any money on me right n-"
Julian cuts me off, shaking his head. "No, you aren't paying me back."
"You're already paying for ice cream!" I exclaim.
"And I paid for her toys too. Think of it as a gift from me."
"We don't need charity," I state.
"McKenzie," Julian sighs. "This isn't charity. I'm your friend, this is what friends do for each other. They buy each other things and take them places. It's not charity, it's kindness, and look she's having so much fun. Aren't you, Bella?"
Belle looks up from her horses and beams at Julian. "Yes! And Julian let me sit in his lap and steer the wheel into the parking spot!" She squeals.
He did what?
"Bells!" Julian said playfully. "We were supposed to keep that a secret!"
"Oops," She said.
"Julian!" I exclaimed. "You could've gone to jail for that! Or someone could've crashed into your car and you both could've been hurt or killed!"
"I understand that you're angry," He said, lowering his voice. "But, I was holding the wheel the whole time. She wasn't actually moving the wheel and we parked far from the other cars, and she had fun. That's all that really matters."
He's right. But they could've gotten pulled over and arrested or they would've arrested me because I let her be alone with Julian and she'd end up in Foster Care.
I told all this to Julian and he said he wouldn't do it again.
I gave my phone and earbuds to Belle, when I couldn't stand the silence anymore, so she wouldn't hear us talking.
"I know you were just trying to have fun with her," I said after a few more minutes of silence passes as we headed to Rose's Ice Cream Shop a few miles away from the hospital. "And I'm sorry for snapping. I just don't want to get her taken away from me."
"I know, and you have every right to be mad. I should've asked you if it was okay with you first. She's your daughter and I'm so sorry if I overtseppes, love," He said sincerely.
"Just... Next time making sure I'm in the care and we're in like an abadoned parking lot or something."
"Will do, love," He chuckles.
Rose's Ice Cream Shop is exactly how it sounds, a shop full of ice cream. Any flavor and all kinds of toppings and we're lucky we came today because every Wednesday they had a five-dollar topping deal. Five toppings for five dollars. There are tables to eat inside and picnic and picnic tabled outside the shop in the grass and regular tables out by the front windows.
After we get our ice creams, we choose a picnic table in the grass so Belle can run around. She bounces around at the table and taled to Julian and me as she licks her ice cream, getting it all over he face. Luckily, there are napkin dispensers inside. Belle moves to the other side of the table to go sit in Julian's lap. He doesn't protest and he doesn't mind sharing his Orange Sherbert when Belle asks for a taste.
Belle rants about literally everything she can think of to me and Julian and Julian looks like he's listening very intently to her. When she finishes her ice cream she asks if she can play in the grass. I don't know what kids find so fascinating about the grass to sit in it for hours but she loves it so I said yes.
"Wow," Julian laughs as he watched her run up to a tree that a squirrel just climbed. "For such a tiny thing she's so energetic."
"Yeah, since the day she was born she's had so much energy. When she was a baby, some nights she kept me up for hours, not crying, just laughing to herself in the bed I made for her on the floor so I wouldn't accidentally roll over on her and so she didn't roll off the bed, and I didn't want to fall asleep when she was asleep in case she rolled over and suffocated herself in the blanket or something. But I didn't mind it because she was so happy and that made me happy."
I was basically sleeping on the floor too because I don't have a bed frame, it's just a shitty mattress on the floor pushed up against the wall. Dad hasn't given me a new mattress since I was twelve and he got a new one and just gave me his old crappy mattress. Julie gave me the nightstand by it because she didn't want it anymore.
"That's beautiful," Julian said. "It's amazing how she can talk like she does at her age. Most three year olds are still learning how to talk or you can't understand what they're saying."
"I know, but I guess talking has always been easy for her, she was always babbling at night and she said her frst word before she was one and before she was three she was talking in full sentences. I've been teaching her words and stuff. Which sounds ridiculous or like I'm working her too hard because she's three and three year olds should be having fun, but she likes learning them, she actually reminds me when I forget. Hopefully, she's still like that once she's been in school for a few years," I explained.
"My sister didn't start really talking until she was four and even then she had to go to speech therapy so we could understand her better. Jax was the same."
"Maybe they're defective," I joke.
"Perhaps they are Kenzie. I think you're onto something here," He muses.
I chuckle then I start to laugh when I see Belle creeping up behind Julian. She puts her finger up to her lips in a silent shh as she creeps closer. I look away, pretending not to notice anything but continue chuckling.
"What's so funny, chuckles?" Julian asked, starting to chuckle too.
Belle shrieks and grabs Julian's sides, trying to tickle-scare him. Julian jumps about a foot in the air but manages to keep his masculinity by not screaming. As Belle starts to run off, Julian quickly jumps up from his seat and grabs her, tickling her sides makng her squeal with laughter. "Were you trying to tickle me?" He asks, still tickling her sides.
"No!" She squeals with laughter.
"I think you were trying to tickle me."
"I wasn't! I promise!" She shrieks.
Julian stops tickling her and puts her on his shoulders, holding onto her legs. Julian leans his head back so he can somewhat see Belle's face. "You sure you weren't trying to tickle me?" He asked.
"Yes," She replied with a smile on her face.
"Okay. I'll let you down."
He set Belle back down on her feet and she walks a few paces back before she says, "I was trying to tickle you." Then she quickly turns and runs as fast as her little legs will take her as Julian chases her and pretends he can't keep up. I'm sitting here laughing through the whole thing.
This is how her life should be.
"They're so cute." I hear someone say. I look up and a woman with brown hair sitting at another picnic table over from ours is looking at me. She looks in her late thirties. A goldren retriever at her side. "Is she yours?"
"Yeah, she's my daughter," I answered as I cleaned up the napkins I wiped Belle's mouth with. The woman got up from her table with her dog and came to our table. "Do you mind if I sit with you?"
"Oh, no. Go ahead."
"It's so nice to see and hear the laughter of children. It always fills my heart with happiness," She said. "My daughter is halfway across the country right now visiting her father and I always avor the time I have with her."
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I couldn't even imagine being away from Belle, my daughter," I said. "What's her name?"
"Ellier," She answered. "And I'm Elizabeth, but you can call me Liz. What's yours?"
"I'm McKenzie and that's my daughter Belle, and who is this little guy?" I asked, looking at her dog who laid its head in my lap. "This is Charlie."
I continue petting him as I looked back at Julian and Belle who are now trying to get close to another squirrel and Belle laughs when it quickly runs up a tree and points to another one. "Let's go get it!" I hear Julian exclaim before they go chasing off after it.
I shake my head smiling at them.
"Who is that with her?" She questions. "You don't have to anwer that. I ask really personal questions sometimes, I'm sorry."
"No, it's okay. I don't mind," I answered. "That's Julian. He's my friend."
"Not her father?"
"No. He decided he didn't want to be a father and moved somewhere else."
"I'm so sorry."
"It's okay. I was sad for a while but one she was born it was like all the pain went away." All the mental pain."And she filled me with so much joy, and we weren't tgether long before I got pregnant. All he wanted was to sleep with me because I was the only girl in school he hadn't slept with before and I should've known he only wanted me for my body but I thought; 'Why not get it out of the way?'" Before someone comes along and rapes you. "So, we did it and then he spread a whole bunch of rumors about me before and after I told him I was pregnant, and he called me a whore and said it wasn't his. At least he didn't tell the school I was pregnant. He left me that much dignity."
I was so uncomfortable the whole time and I kept having flashbacks to Mr. Jones touching me but I just squeezed my eyes shut and held on to him, waiting for it to be over.
I didn't expect him to ask me to marry him or something after but I sure as hell didn't expect him to spread rumors about me. I thought he was better than that. Shows a lot about my judgement.
"Sorry isn't enough for what you've gone throught," She said sympathetically. "How old are you? Are you still in school?"
"I'm seventeen. I'm going to be eighteen in a few months and Belle will be four a few days before my birthday. I had her when I was fourteen. When I started showing, I just wore baggy clothes and kids just thought I was getting fat and teaseed me about that too. But I didn't care because I was going to have a baby and that's all I needed."
"How did your parents react?"
"My mom isn't in the picture but my dad just called me a whore basically every time he saw me but he didn't kick me out." I wish he did, then at least I wouldn't have to get beat every day. "He didn't help out either and I pay for everything of ours."
I don't know why I'm telling a stranger basically my whole life story, minus the beatings. Maybe it's because I know I'll never see her again or that I have someone to talk to that I'm not going to see every day giving me sympathetic looks.
"Wow. And I thought my life was bad," She said.
"It's not all bad," I replied. "I have Belle and that's all I need."
"That's how I feel about Ellie. She's turning seven this year."
Liz is telling me about her daughter when Julian and Belle come running up, Belle on Julian's back. "Puppy!" Belle squeals, wiggling off Julian's back to Charlie who had laid down by Liz's feet."
Max jumps up and starts barking excitedly when Belle starts petting him. Belle squeals as Charlie licks her face and starts running around her. "This is Max and Liz you guys," I introduce them.
"Do you know them, Kenzie?" Julian asks curiously.
"No, but you guys left me so I found someone to talk to," I joked.
"Hi, sweetie," Liza said to Belle as she sat on the ground playing with the dog.
"Hi," She said excitedly. "Can I have your puppy?"
"Oh!" I laughed. "No, baby we can't have her dog."
"Aww! But he's so cute!"
"I'll get you one someday, okay?"
She was so easy to appease sometimes. I'm going to get her a dog when we have a place of our own.
Liz's phone went off and she excused herself to go answer it. She came back a few minutes later and said she had to leave. "It was nice meeting you all. I wish I could stay but that was my other child. I have to go see what happened. I swear teenagers," She muttered the last part. "Savor the time you have now because you only have ten years before they want to go out on their own."
She cast one last look of longing towards Belle before grabbing Max's leash and walking to her car.
That was strange. She looked at Belle like she knew her. I shook off that weird feeling and waved at her as she pulled out of the parking lot. After a fre games of Hide and seek with Julian and Belle, it's around six since my appointment was at two and we spent a few hours here in the grass just playing games with Belle.
Julian and Belle are still playing tag when my phone goes off. I look at the screen and see my dad calling and my heart starts racing. With shaking hands, I pick up the phone and answer the call.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Where the fuck are you?" Dad screamed into the phone. "You didn't make me breakfast or lunch and it's almost dinnertime! You also haven't done the laundry or cleaned the floor!"
I flinch at his screaming.
"I had my appointment and it took a while because a lot of people were there and someone called off their shift so I had to go in and-"
"I don't give a fuck! You should've been here cleaning and making me my food! Now get your ass back here before I decide to making your beating worse!"
He hangs up the phone and I try not to cry, knowing what's in store for me when I get to the house. Myabe if I just go straght to the kitchen and start making food it won't be as bad. Yeah, I'll just do that.
I called for Belle and Julian, telling them we needed to go. Belle's smile immediately dropped from her face and she looked so sad and a little scared. I hated that she had to live in that house with him.
Soon, baby girl. Soon we'll run away and we'll never have to see him again.
When we got back to the house I asked Julian to park by my neighbor's driveway so my dad doesn't see us. I unbuckled Belle from her car seat then got her car seat out and thanked Julian for everything he did for us today. After making sure Belle had her new water bottle and horses, I slowly walked up the driveway holding Belle's hand and quietly opened the front door.
I waved to Julian as I closed the door and watched through the window to see him drive off. I set Belle's car seat on the step and was about to go to the kitchen to start dinner but before I could take another step I was suddenly grabbed from behind and roughly pushed to the floor.
"Mama!" I heard Belle scream. I heard her tiny footsteps come towards me.
"No, you're going to stay right there you little brat!" Dad spat.
I looked over and saw dad jerking Belle back by her arm to him and I started screaming. "You get off her!" I screamed. "Don't you fucking touch her!"
He strode over to me and kicked me twice in the back.
"She's going to stand there and watch me give you your weekly beating because you one again failed to do the simplest of instructions!" He roared in my face.
Dad started kicking and punching my back and legs, avoiding my stomach. Probably because he wants to keep me alive to keep me suffering through this. To give himself an outlet for his anger.
He punches me across the face and I fall back on my side again. I look over and see Belle screaming and sobbing. I motion for her to start running to the stairs.
"Hey!" Dad yells at her. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?"
"Please," I whisper. "Please, just let her go upstairs, please."
Dad walks over to her and catches her on the first step around the waist and she starts to cry louder, pushing against his shoulder to get down. He shakes her hard to get her to stop pushing him and she cries louder. I want to cry too. I can barely feel my legs and back and I wish that she was anywhere but here. Somewhere she was safe. I hate that this is her life and that she has to watch this.
Dad sets her back down on her feet where she was standing before. "Now you're going to fucking watch!" He said, shaking her shoulders. I start sobbing. "Do you understand me?"
"Yes," She sobbed.
He let go of her and stalked back to me and started punching me on the arms and a couple of times in my face. Not enough to bleed, but enough to bruise.
Once he was finally one, I just laid there, breathing through the pain. I could still hear Belle crying. I lifted my head up and saw her coughing from all her crying.
"Maybe next time you'll think twice about doing shit without my permission," Dad said. "I allow you to have a job and a phone and a fucking house to live in! I allow you to live. Remember that. Now, get your ass up and clean this house. I'm going out to eat since you failed at making me food, I want it clean before I come back."
Dad walks out of the house like nothing happened. Like he didn't just beat his daughter and force his granddaughter to watch. He's never made her watch before. She's seen me get slapped and pushed around and heard me get insulted but he's never made her stand there and watch me get the shit kicked out of me.
I wince as I move over onto my back. Softly crying out from the pain. Belle rushes over to me, crying and clings to my battered body, sobbing. I hold onto her just as tightly, willing myself not to cry. I have to be strong for her.
Why are we so unlucky that this has to be our lives? Comforting my daughter becuase she was forced to watch me get beat. I don't even think she's ever seen my face not bruised except for when I cover it up.
We're going to leave soon and everything will be okay. I have to hold on to that hope of us getting out, of being free of constantly looking over my shoulder and doubting every person I meet. We have to hold on, for just a little while longer.
If you're confused about Julian's eye color then I'm gonna describe it. It's a type of hazel (I looked it up) it's blue with gold flecks. I just didn't want you to be confused because I said his eyes were hazel and this is a type of hazel.
Also, I've been thinking about changing Irabella to something else because I just feel like it's a weird name and if my parents or family ever read this book, I feel like they'll judge me for it so I'm gonna go through soon and change that.
Thank you so much for your support and for reading my book. This is my very first book and I hope you guys like it and enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. I know updates are slow and I'm sorry about that it just takes a while to come up with ideas to start a new chapter. I have everything planned out, I know what I want to happen but I have to come up with dialogue and events leading to everything.
Anyway, sorry for the long author's note, please feel free to vote and comment! See you next update.
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