When I woke up in the morning thinking about Lucas’s hurtful words. It was Wednesday so he had work. Even though he was really mean last night I still got up and I packed his lunch. I noticed it was 6:00 and Lucas wasn’t up yet.
I went up to his room with water and advil. I shook him awake and he looked up at me giving me a smile.
“Goodmorning,” He said, trying to give me a kiss.
“You are lucky I didn’t throw the water at your face to wake you up,” I said crossing my arms, glaring at him.
“Oh shit,” Lucas said as he remembered his drunken words.
“I am sorry Charlotte, I didn’t mean what I said,” Lucas said sitting up.
“That is the horrible thing. That you did mean what you said,” I said
“I am sorry, it is just all a lot to take in. I am still trying to process that my parents aren’t just on a long vacation and I am just babysitting. I am their guardian until they turn 18, that is 17 years of parenting for Lucy,” he said, rubbing his head.
“I understand it is hard, which is why I have been doing everything I can to help you,” I said to him.
“I didn’t ask you to,” he said to me.
“I do it because I love you!” I said, covering my mouth as the words came falling out.
“Jesus Charlotte this isn’t how I wanted to do this. We are fighting about possibly aborting our baby!” Lucas said to me. I sat down on the bed and I felt tears come to my face.
I thought about our options and I felt my heart tug. We already were growing out of this house, Emily would need her own room soon, and a baby would need a nursery. We were so busy with everything and it just wasn’t the right time.
“I think an abortion would be the smartest decision,” I said. Lucas sighed and grabbed my hand.
“I don’t know what would be the smartest decision, but it would be the easiest,” he said looking at me.
“I know,” I said crying more.
“I will do whatever you want. This is your body. If you want to raise this baby I will be by your side, if you want to get an abortion I will hold your hand through the entire procedure, and if you want to put up the baby for adoption then I will do that,” he said and I felt myself crying. I finally sat up and dried my tears.
“I will schedule the appointment for tomorrow,” I said, getting out of bed. It was easier for me to pretend nothing was wrong and to push all feelings away. Lucas followed me around trying to get me to talk about it but I told him I didn’t want to talk about it. He eventually had to go to work leaving me and my thoughts.
I decided to call out of work today to take some time to process. I called my OBGYN and scheduled an abortion for tomorrow.
Ironically today was the day all of my symptoms started. I found myself puking up my breakfast, and at the smell of Lucy’s poop. My boobs were incredibly sore, and I found myself being incredibly emotional.
Once Lucas came home from work the only words I spoke to him were that the appointment was at 9am tomorrow morning. We ate dinner and only spoke to the kids and finally it was nighttime. Lucas was trying to put Lucy to sleep because I was too drained to do it myself.
After about an hour she was being fussy for Lucas and was only going to sleep for me. I got out of bed and I picked up Lucy and sat down in the rocking chair and she cuddled with me.
I read her a book and she mumbled the few words that she knew. I put her in her crib and gave her a kiss.
“Goodnight LuLu,” I said, tucking her into her blanket.
" Night Mama,” Lucy said and it made my heart fall. She fell asleep after saying those two words and I started to cry. I left the room and I felt Lucas following me. I went to our room and I went to lay on the bed and cry but my baby decided it was time to barf so I ended up sobbing while throwing up on the toilet.
“Charlotte,” Lucas said, pulling me into his chest.
“I can’t- I can’t,” I said in between sobs.
“Charlotte. I need you to be 100 percent honest with me, what do you want to do,” Lucas said, holding my face in front of him.
“I want to keep the baby. Every time I look at Lucy or even Kayla or Jamie I see our child. I want to feel the baby inside me and watch it grow. But I need to be realistic. We don’t have the time, or space for a child right now. And you pay for everything so I am sure we don’t have the money. Also, we are 21, and 25 we are too young for a child. Also, I don’t want you to feel trapped with me” I said, finishing up my rant with more crying.
“We can move things around to find room for a baby, you can quit if you feel like you don’t have enough time. I do have enough money. I was saving up to buy a bigger house, but we can wait for that. Yes, we are young but we are already raising one toddler, two children, and a teenager. I don’t feel trapped with you, I want to be with you because I love you,” Lucas said.
“You are just saying that,” I said sobbing harder.
“I am scared of being a father, of fucking up while raising my siblings. But this past day I realized I am way more scared of losing all of you,” Lucas said cupping my face.
“I just want to do right by you. I don’t want to do anything to make your life more difficult,” I said to him.
“You don’t have to worry about me,” He said, pulling me into a hug. We sat there for a moment just trying to calm down.
“What are we going to do about Lucy calling me Mom?” I asked him.
“She called me Dada a week ago. I didn’t know what to do. I feel like we should just let her call us that. We will be the only parents she remembers,” Lucas said sighing.