AND THE WINNER IS?
PEYTON, AND THE WINNER IS?
The first letters came within days of me mailing the paintings. I was so fucking nervous about sending them. Once I found out that Finn and Alistair are the only reason I’m alive today, it was all I could do to think about some small way to say thank you. The paintings are not much, but I hope they like them. They say they do in their letters, but they are likely just being polite. Regardless, I feel better for having done them and for my first attempts at ‘portraiture’, I’m quite proud of them. It is also possible I offended them both and now they fucking hate me.
Who the hell knows.
All I can do is my best and the rest is up to everyone else. I need to stop living my life through everyone else’s eyes and stop caring so much about what they think. All that matters is what I think and how I feel. It has taken a long time but I’m finally getting there.
Therapy is fucking amazing.
I have now written to both of them individually several times, and we have spoken together on the phone together – all three of us. I feel insanely comfortable with both of them – far more than I ever would have dreamed possible. Me and two men? Impossible. Or is it? Why does it have to be? Because society says it is ‘wrong’? Yeah, well, society also says gay marriage is wrong in some places so society can go fuck itself.
If we’re happy, and not hurting anyone else – isn’t that all that matters?
It should be. I’m focusing on that and working on silencing all of the distracting bullshit. Finn and Alistair are helping me with it. They’re both interested in pursuing a relationship with me – together. A threesome except hopefully long term… so… a throuple? Is that a thing? Having the distance of letters as opposed to being in person every day has allowed us all to be more open with one another, at least it has been more freeing for me. I’ve been honest about my insecurities, especially after Brent and Eliza’s betrayal. They both know how vulnerable that left me – obviously, but I think they understand it better now. This time apart has actually been kind of fucking awesome – like dozens of dates rolled into a short period of time. They know more about me in now than Brent ever did after all the years we were together. It also made us focus on the emotional and spiritual side of things, instead of being distracted by the physical. At least that’s what my therapist says. I know he’s right but I’m also crazy fucking horny and when I think of both of their hands on me… Jesus Christ. Yeah. That sounds pretty fucking amazing. Especially since I’m falling for them.
And I think they’re falling for me.
It took me awhile to accept that as a real possibility. I mean – look at them and their achievements. Now look at me. Like apples to… fucking rotten raisins or something. I don’t compare and yet they waited for me. They fucking waited for me. They told me. Both of them – repeatedly in their letters. They wanted to make sure I was okay, of course but they also wanted to try for a future with me. They knew back then, when I was sure I didn’t even want to wake up the next morning, that they wanted to explore a future with me.
What. The. Fuck.
They see something in me I have never allowed myself to see. My psychiatrist assures me it has always been there but the people around me kept it pushed down and silenced. I’m the only one who can release those bindings and thanks to Finn and Alistair’s written support – I’ve fucking done it. Every day will be a struggle, I’m sure, but I’m up for it. I have to be. If I’m not, I’m not going to survive. There are no losers in the game of life – just survivors. Everyone’s struggle is different, how long we fight is individual and the end result is always the same but until then we ‘survive’ every single day we walk this fucking planet. Life throws some pretty random shit at us sometimes, and we all need help getting through.
I have been sleeping under the stars for three nights now as I follow the fence and make repairs where needed. It is beautiful out here but lonely, not something I’ve noticed before. Or, been bothered by, I guess. And I realize the difference is you.
You have inspired me to stop wasting time chasing my dreams and instead make them a reality. I hope you’ll let me share them with you when you return home. Your room is waiting for when the time is right for you, but know that Marley, August, Ali and I are here to support you however we can. Ali and I especially will do whatever we can to see you succeed.
I need images of your smiling face to replace the current ones that plague my nightmares but knowing how well you’re doing definitely helps soothe my aching soul. Sometimes the journey we are on is not the one we would choose for ourselves, but it is the one we need to get where we need to be. Know that every step forward you are no longer walking alone – Ali and I are with you every step of the way if you’ll let us.
I think I’ve not only found my help to get through life’s random shit… I think I’ve hit the fucking lottery.