The S Word

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Little Vixen

Little vixen.

The words make me frown before realization hits me harder than a rock going down the hill — the pet name. The fucking pet name 50shades uses in our privates.

Alexander gulps and my gaze follows it. I see as his eyes widen at the same time as mine, as his hands tremble when I lean away. As he tries to reach for me but stops himself.

Little vixen.

He couldn’t know, it has to be a coincidence. 50shades has been gone for two weeks now, the last two weeks Alexander and I have been talking more, we have been together for a few times. It’s not a coincidence. He started to disappear when I started to see Alexander. If I think about it, they both were never online on my channel at the same time.

His determination in not turning the camera on during privates, the way he seemed to know so much about me. Was that why it always felt so easy to talk to him?

Little vixen.

It’s him; it’s been him the whole time. He has been watching me on my channel since my first day. That would be okay and all, I also have another account, so it would be hypocrite of me to be mad at him for that. What hurts here, what is messing with my brain, is the lie.

Alexander had multiple opportunities where he could have told me about this. But the one I can’t seem to push away is when we were talking in his bed. He told me I shouldn’t worry about the user; he told me it was normal.

Little vixen.

He fucking lied. I touched myself on camera for him, I didn’t do that for any man, and he couldn’t say it was him? He thought it was easier to make me do all those things for a stranger?

“Nicole I-”

My hand raises, and I stop him from talking. I can’t let him speak before I do, I can’t. I’m still processing everything that happened. Alexander’s stare fades, as he realizes I know.

“It’s you?”

Alexander dry swallows, his eyes search mine for a while, but I don’t move my gaze. I won’t be intimidated by him tonight.

“I- yes,” he lets out in a breath so low it almost passes by a whisper.

I watch everything he does as I keep quiet and stare at him. That seems to make him nervous, so I don’t stop doing it.

“Why?”

His breathing starts to accelerate, but he tries to control it. Doesn’t seem like he is used to be pressed against the wall, especially by a woman. Alexander glances at the table before his eyes lock on mine. I can see emotions twirling, not the usual ones.

The need and want which he usually has when staring at me vanished and now sorrow took its place. Whether for knowing I’m angry and hurt or because he got caught, it’s a mystery.

“I wanted to see you, know you. Without-”

He sighs, and I clutch my hand around the napkin. This won’t do, he is stalling and I need a confession. Now. I need the truth; he owes me that.

“Without?”

Please, please continue. Please don’t make the dark side of me come up. I thought he was different; I thought he wouldn’t lie or hide stuff from me.

I was wrong.

“Without you knowing I am V.”

I could almost fall for this, I really could. But he had so many chances to tell me it was him. The number of times I asked him to turn his camera on, or when I was sad because he was missing.

It all hurts the more because he saw my pain and kept lying.

“Even if that was your reason, you lied Alexander.”

The mention of his name makes him wince. Maybe he isn’t used to relationships. Sometimes men are alone for so long that they think they can do everything they want, have their way every time.

I was hoping he wasn’t one of those. I was hoping he wasn’t another Justin.

“I know, and I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? That’s a nice word to say whenever you fuck things up, isn’t it?”

“Nicole, I am sorry that I-”

The noise from my chair being pushed back startles him as I stand up. Alexander’s eyes are on me as I move around the small room picking up his things and walking towards him once again.

“Get out.”

“Nicole please, let me explain.”

My heart paces at the way he stares at me, his eyes seeming to be filled with remorse, with nothing but pain from the situation that is taking place. If only another man hadn’t disappointed me enough times, maybe then I would let this slide.

Alexander’s lips move, but he doesn’t speak. He reaches for my hand, pleading and the anger inside of me starts to boil.

“Explain then. Explain to me and please use simple words because maybe I’m stupid, why you would watch me for months, ask for privates and never say it was you?”

“I was scared,” he says, standing up.

His height almost makes me feel vulnerable, but not this time. I’ve had enough experience with lying. I’ve had enough experience with being disappointed.

“I get that; you were scared I would treat you different?”

Hope, the kind of hope that makes eyes glimmer fills his gaze as he tries to reach for my cheek. I take a step back avoiding his touch and Alexander’s hopeful stare vanishes. His touch is all I want and hate right now. I want him to comfort me, but I hate him from lying and making me feel like this.

For making me believe in him, in us. I knew I shouldn’t open my heart.

“I get it, I do. Because I watched you under an alias for the first weeks as well. But Alexander, I’m not upset because of that. I’m upset because you had so many chances to be honest with me.”

“You mean the-”

“Yes. You knew how I feel about that person, I told you personal things about it, and now I feel like you mocked me this whole time. You wanted to have some fun watching a girl on the channel. Let’s make fun of Nicole because she is stupid. She is just another camgirl.”

“Nicole it was never like that I-”

He takes a step forward and I take one back, hitting the counter.

“No,” I say, raising one finger in his direction. “You will not beg, you will not say you’re sorry again. You will listen to me because you hurt me. You knew I never done those things in front of a camera and yet you used your proximity with me to ask.”

Alexander’s eyes let a small tear fall and I almost regret the discussion we are having. But being real life and not a fairytale my past kicks in and the baggage I have of so many years makes me continue.

“You knew and the worst part is it that if it were you asking and not the alias account I would have done even more.”

His head lowers as Alexander stares at the floor instead of me. I can recognize this emotion easily, shame.

“You would?”

“Yes, because the connection I have with you can’t compare to the proximity I had while talking to someone online.”

His shoulders slump as he realizes what I say. I just confessed I’m interested in him and maybe his feelings were the same for me. But now, I need him gone. Because I am about to cry and I’ll be dammed if I let a man see that.

“Get out, Alexander.”

“Please, Nicole, let’s just talk.”

He tries to reach for me one final time, but I step aside.

“Out, you had every chance you could to talk to me. Now I need to be alone.”

I pass by him towards the door and pull it open; it’s taking every fiber in my body not to snap harder at him, not to lose control. He eyes me, waiting for maybe regret on my part but it won’t happen. I’m too stubborn for that. Alexander takes a few steps forward as I stand waiting, he stops in front of me, his eyes searching for the feelings in mine but I don’t stare at him.

I can’t, or I’m afraid I will regret it.

“I am sorry, and I will prove it to you.”

When he sees I don’t speak, Alexander walks out the door and I slam it behind him. My mind can’t process anything at this point. I’m avoiding thinking about what happened. Starting to pick up the empty dishes from the table I throw them in the sink, breaking one and cutting my palm in the process.

“Shit.”

I hiss with the pain, putting my hand under the running water. The dark red blood rushes over my skin, falling on the white counter and sink, but it doesn’t flow as fast as the tears that blur my vision.

It hurts, but not as much as the pain in my heart for being deceived by a man once again.

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