The S Word

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Worries

My phone hasn’t stopped going off while Alexander and I talk with each other on his sofa, trying to understand what happened. He opens his laptop, searching for our accounts on the website; he sees the video on the top right corner right away.

“How bad is it?” I ask, and he glances at me.

“Very bad.”

He turns the laptop so I can see the screen, and I widen my eyes at the sight of my boyfriend and I having sex. On any other day, I would be happy with this if the thing wasn’t online and had a million views already. Worse of it all, she hacked my account and upload it there. I quickly pick up my phone and log in from the device to my account.

The video needs to come down, and I’m the only one able to do it; I was also the only one able to upload it. So, whatever is going on, the person can still try and pull this stunt again on us.

I change the password and hide the account from public viewers. At this point, I’m more concerned about the consequences of this video than anything else. Consequences I know will come. A million views, I’m sure someone who knows me saw this already.

“Should I just delete the account?” I ask, and Alexander frowns.

To me, it makes perfect sense to do it; that way, people won’t reach out to me because of the videos, and I won’t get spammed by the hate comments that fill my inbox now. Hate comments from mostly women who watch him. It’s either that or men asking me to hook up.

People are stupid and judgmental, but what can I do about that? It’s not the first time I’ve come through someone who likes to judge others because they openly talk about sex, or in this case, openly have sex in front of a camera.

This is a website about cam girls and cam boys, were they expecting to see nuns eating oranges? I must have pissed God at some point during my life to be punished like this.

“Why?” His deep voice startles me as I stare at the screen.

Why? Why wouldn’t I? She hacked it once she can do it again. What else has this girl against me that I’m not aware of yet?

“It just seems better to do it now.”

Alexander sighs, sliding closer to me on the sofa; he places the laptop on the coffee table before his fingers are touching my chin. With all the patience he has in the world, Alexander lets his warm chocolate eyes borrow mine for a few seconds while he speaks.

“Whoever did this did it to punish us. If you do that, you will be giving that person what she wants.”

I know who he is talking about, and I hate the fact I can see the guilt spreading across his eyes.

Sara.

“Alexander, it’s not your fault.”

“Why does it feel like it?”

His eyes let go of the hold they have on mine and travel to our hands. I follow his gaze, seeing as he plays with the back of my hand, drawing small infinity lines on it. He always does this when in search of words, and right now, it’s breaking my heart. I take a deep breath before tilting my head to peek at his.

“You are not responsible for the actions of a crazy person,” he lifts his head at me, and I smile at the man I love. “I suspect her too, and she did it because she is angry. She did it knowing it could break us apart, but I won’t let that happen.”

A small smile spreads across his cupid lips, and I can’t help but smile back at him. Alexander leans closer; his nose brushes against mine before he lets his lips claim the hold they have on my own.

My phone starts to beep, and we both dismiss it, thinking it’s probably the notifications from our social media accounts that keep going off after the video. But it’s not, and when Alexander’s phone goes off as well, we both frown, staring at it.

My heartbeat is so loud I feel my blood pressure on my ears; I don’t think any of us moved for the time the phone screen was on. There’s no way she could have found out. Alexander’s parents have no idea their son is an internet star; for all they know, he is successfully working on his projects shooting, recording, and editing for some companies. But that’s it.

The phone goes off again, the name ‘Mom’ showing on the screen, and with shaky hands, he picks up the phone and glances at me. I catch as he dries swallows before taking the call.

“Hi, mom,” Alexander speaks staring at me.

The woman on the other side of the line doesn’t seem pleased, and my heart breaks when seeing the man that holds my world with his hands, letting a tear fall. She knows, but how?

Then it hits me. Whoever did this had access to my laptop, and so I scroll on my phone to check my sent emails, and my stomach sinks. It falls on the floor, and I feel panic spread over me.

She sent the link — There’s an email from this morning to all my contacts, all of them. Alexander’s mother is in here, same as Justin, and worse Jackson. I’m not someone who easily cries, but right now, I don’t care about that as I let a tear roll on the side of my face. I try to think, to make sense of everything. She hacked the camera, but she had to enter my computer this morning when I was on it? But I don’t have Jackson’s email on my personal email.

The feeling of someone invading my privacy is a little too much for me. This girl has easy access to my cameras, to my personal folders, to everything that’s on that small device, and that scares the shit out of me.

“Im sorry, mom,” I listen as my boyfriend apologizes to his mother over and over again. “Yes, we will.”

He ends the call and wipes away the remaining tears before turning to face me again fully. His hands restore the grip they had on mine, and when Alexander sees me crying, he throws his arms around me, pulling me to his embrace. It helps to deal with some of the pain and worry; I stop crying but am unable to do much of the overwhelming feelings.

I can’t lose my job; I can’t. The sex therapy sessions gave me so much joy; I was starting to grow in the office. I can’t lose his family; I love them. I love how they make me feel welcome, and even if he doesn’t say it, I know what that call was about.

“When does your mom want to talk with us?”

“Tomorrow,” he says softly, pulling me closer, his baritone sounds in my ear as my boyfriend cuddles me from behind on the sofa.

Minutes pass as we don’t move, both in silence, thinking of how to act or what to do to get over this. I need to talk to Jackson first thing in the morning, I didn’t see him at the office, but he only had appointments after lunch. I’m hoping he didn’t check his emails yet.

It’s better if I am honest with him and decide to speak first before coming to me.

“We will get through this,” he speaks muffled, pressing his lips against the top of my head.

“I know,” it’s my reply listening as my phone still goes off before I decide to turn it off.

A text from Layla asking me to call makes me sit up straight so fast, Alexander yelps. I don’t waste any time discarding the text and dialing my best friend’s number instead. Why is life so hard and unfair?

She picks up after a few seconds, and I listen to a sniffle that makes my heart freeze.

Jia.

“Nicky, I’m sorry I know you’re going through something, but-”

Before she even finishes speaking, I’m already starting to gather my things and preparing to leave Alexander’s apartment. He follows me without questioning and picks up his car keys.

“Layla?”

I nod at him, and Alexander sighs. He knows there’s something wrong with Jia; I never told him what, but he knows she hides something. I don’t know if it’s the way she cries, the day we had, or my worries, but a rush of adrenaline kicks in, and I put everything aside to focus on my best friend.

Everything, even Justin that keeps calling.

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