The S Word

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Raindrops fall heavy against the car as we stay seated inside. Alexander didn’t start to drive right away, pulling me into his arms and listening as I fight back the tears. I won’t cry because of that mean old man anymore. I won’t let him hurt me or affect me as he did when I was a little girl.

So why is a tear falling? Why are Alexander’s arms holding me together as he helps me, pulling his seat back and picking me into his lap?

My face buried in the crook of his neck, the pain that I didn’t felt for years that overflows my body rushing to me all at once. Pain that makes my heart clench and my hands grasp against my boyfriend’s shirt as I let every last tear I have in me out.

Alexander kisses the top of my head; his hands slide between the strings of my hair, pulling it behind my back. He cuddles me on his lap, pressing soft kisses on my shoulder, forehead, cheeks, but never my lips.

He isn’t going to make me stop feeling like this by distracting me; he is just showing me he is here with me, helping me get through the pain. Pain that now, because of him, doesn’t feel so overwhelming.

“I love you,” he whispers in my ear, helping me to relax against him. “I will never let him hurt you again.”

The truth in his words, the way his voice sounds heavy against me, is what makes me shudder as I realize how serious he is. How deep his feelings are, and it’s what makes me raise my head and kiss him. Letting my lips show how much I need him to take away the pain, even if just for one second.

My hands make their way to the back of his hair, pulling him to me, trying to deepen the kiss, but he won’t let me. Not yet. He won’t let me forget what just happened like this. Not until he knows I am truly relaxed.

And all I keep thinking is how good would it feel to have him inside of me right now, to forget everything. Every worry, all the mess over the last few days. Everything but him completing me and making me feel blessed. Making me focus on our bodies coming undone at the same time.

I bite on his lower lip, but my boyfriend pulls away.

“Slow down, little vixen,” he says, serious. His eyes sear  for mine as the man I love, the man I need, puts a string of hair behind my ear. “Everything in time.”

“I know,” I reply, whining, and he pecks my lips one more time.

Alexander’s eyes linger on me, promising me a future where I don’t feel the pain from moments ago. Where I don’t want to either punch someone or cry myself to sleep.

It takes me a few more minutes, but when I finally return to my seat, Alexander drives away in the night.

“Let’s grab some of your clothes for you to stay with me for a few days, ok?” He asks before placing a soft kiss on the back of my hand. “Tyler said we could visit him anytime if we want to get away from this mess for a while.”

I nod with a smile as the idea sounds nice, going to the countryside and enjoy the mountains. To not have people trying to call me or accuse me of being something I am not. Our fingers stay entwined over my leg as he drives, something he always does, and yet I love.

These small things, meaningful things to others that I didn’t know I needed in my life and make me feel so cherished. Knowing he loves to touch me, even if not in a sexual way. That he needs to feel my body on his fingertips, that no matter how little time passed, he won’t get enough of me.

Just like I won’t get enough of him.

“I love you,” I say, staring at our hands before lifting my eyes to him and seeing the soft glimpse of a smile on his face.

The drive is quiet; we don’t speak, needing silence after the whole situation with my father. I need this to calm down and breathe. To heal from him before letting him go for good out of my life. It’s over now, I know he is alive, and I won’t worry anymore.

I can’t worry. Not about him. My father is a figure from my past that I don’t want to deal with anymore. I tried, and I failed, right now I’m okay with that. No matter how much it harms, how much it broke me to listen to the mean things he said, I know I will get through it. And as I step out of my boyfriend’s car, I come to terms with it. This pain, just as the ones before, won’t last.

Opening my front door, Alexander follows close. He doesn’t speak, observing me, trying to comprehend my emotions as we walk to my bedroom. I grab some clothes and place them inside a small suitcase, hoping not to forget anything.

I feel him towering over me before his hands are around my waist, pulling me against him. The warmth of his arms, his breathing down my neck, tickling my skin, makes my heart beat frantically against my chest as if it’s gone crazy.

This man, my man, always makes me feel as if I am the most special woman in the world. As if every time he touches me, I could come undone right there.

“You just need clothes to have there,” he speaks as in a whisper. “I already have a toothbrush for you and all the toiletries you use.”

My feet turn me around so fast that I can still see the smile on his lips before staring into his eyes. That was one of the sexiest things he ever said to me, and he said quite a few.

“You know what I use?”

“I made sure to notice so I could buy the same brands.”

I swear to God he is going to make me soft one day. Alexander’s hands maintain their hold on my waist, grasping onto me while he leans in for a kiss. His lips are soft against mine as I grip his shirt, pulling him closer. He leads me, letting me deepen the kiss this time, allowing my hands to travel over his chest as I feel him squeezing my thighs and moan into his mouth.

It’s when his hands roam to my ass, and he is about to grasp it that the doorbell rings.

He chuckles, letting me go, as I whine about the wrong timing.

“Go,” he says before nibbling on my lower lip. “What I want to do to you can wait for whoever it is to go away.”

My stomach twirls as if butterflies are dancing inside, and I glance over my shoulder, I see as he slowly bites down on his lip, looking at me.

Alexander knows when I need him to comfort me, how I need him to comfort me. He made sure I know he is by my side when I was emotional, and just now, he made sure to let me know he wants me. There are different sides of me needing attention, and he knows which one to take care of. I don’t need to tell him, and that’s just perfect.

Mindlessly thinking about the man I love and hope to be undressing him in a few minutes, I walk towards the door. My hand wraps around the doorknob, and I giggle, letting my fingers touch my lips that still feel warm from Alexander’s touch.

“Who is it?” I ask, not bothering to peek in the peephole.

The voice that comes from the other side freezes my blood. With all the people in the world, this guy always chooses the worse time to appear.


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