The S Word

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I told Layla the news; she freaked out. She squealed, she yelled, and she said a lot of profanities. She also had a lot of ideas about what we should do; it took me more than five minutes to calm her down so that I could explain to her that the collab is going to happen in Alexander's channel, so he was the one deciding.

Now I'm lying on my bed, thinking about what I should do today before the live. I could clean the house, but I'm not in the mood. My paycheck arrived though; maybe I should spend something on myself. The sound of a message makes me open my eyes, and I pat my hand on the bed, searching for the phone. Yes, I'm lazy.

It's a number I don't know, but curious as I am I unlock my screen to see who it is.


Hey nic

I was wondering if I can see you to catch up?

It's Justin btw

No way. Did he return from the dead or something? I didn't hear a thing since we broke up and now all of a sudden he wants to meet me? Story of my life, I don't have a hot guy talking to me for months, and now I have two.


Hi sure where?

This isn't a good idea. This is definitely not a good idea. So why am I accepting?


The old cafe we used to go?

Sitting at our old table, my mind drifts to the time Justin and I were a thing. The time before he enlisted in the army and the distance was too much for the two of us. We talked for a while after the breakup, but it wasn't natural.

Almost as if we were only trying to stay connected, expecting what still could happen.

It was easier after both of us went silent.

The bell from the door rings and I see him entering inside the café, in all his glory my ex looks even hotter. He is wider, I can almost see his packs through the thin shirt he is wearing, and sweet Jesus. Are those veins I see popping in his arm?

Where do I enlist?

My eyes take in sight in front of me as I inhale a deep breath before he walks towards the table.


"Hi," he says, kissing me on the cheek before taking the seat across mine.

I smile at him; our breakup was friendly; there are no hard feelings between us. But still, this feels weird. Two years without talking, 'it's been a long time.


"I'm sorry for reaching out to you; I just thought since I was back in town and-"

"Oh, you're back?"


I bite down on my lip nervously. There are no feelings towards him, nothing I could get confused with. I loved him once; I don't love him anymore, not like that anyway. Justin will always be a significant part of my life, he is in my past, and I don't get attached to that. But then the way he is staring at me with his doe glimmering eyes from across the table is not helping. I see his mouth moving, and I understand what he is saying, but I don't focus on it, not until five words escape his lips.

"You what?"

Justin widens his eyes at me, not sure of what he said wrong.

"I go to the church," he states. "I started going when I was in the military; it helped. You know, to renew my faith with Jesus."

He has to be kidding.

"Justin, we had sex at your parent's house once. While they were awake, and cooking lunch, in the room next door. You are a bigger freak than I am."

"No, I was a sex freak. I can control myself now."

My brow shoots up at his words. He is lying, Justin was the one that made me come out of my shell, he was the one who told me to embrace my horny brain and have as much sex as I wanted to. Sex is pleasure, and we shouldn't be afraid of that. His words always helped, whenever I got shy to talk about it he would say for me to speak what I thought, and if I enjoyed sex and talking about it I shouldn't be afraid to do so. That's how we started dating.

I know, going to church doesn't mean he can't get it from time to time. But my ex-boyfriend was the most anti-church man I have ever met.

He doesn't believe it; he doesn't believe in God. Or he didn't before.

"And is Satan okay with you going rebel on him?"

He smiles shyly at me, something that always wakes up my insides. I hate myself right now. I hate how horny I can get during my ovulation. Yesterday with Alexander I was holding on for dear life to focus on the 'date,' and now Justin? A girl can only handle so much.

My hands clasp around the seat of the booth so hard I'm afraid I may have ripped it.

"So you are not going to have sex anymore?"

"No, no, no. I will, hopefully. I didn't join the church because of that." Justin places one hand on the back of his neck and scratches it softly. "I joined because there was this really hot choirgirl..."

"There he is," I say interrupting him. "Thought I had lost you."


He gives me a warm smile, and I feel his knee rubbing against mine.

"So you're back?"

My question is answered right away as he nods.

"Yeah, I was wondering if-"

Once again I drift out, 'Justin's leg keeps rubbing against mine and the physical contact isn't helping me at all. The same thing happened when Alexander grabbed my hand yesterday. I felt jolts of electricity going through my body. But Justin knows what this does to me, what him slightly raising his leg under the table can do to my body.

Although I moved on, he was without a doubt the best man I had sex with. He knows what he is doing, how to handle a woman properly. How to take me to places I have never been. Maybe that's why I never had a serious relationship again after him. No one could compare in that department. Don't get me wrong, I'm all in favor of love and so on, but sex is a very big thing when you are a couple.

Imagine how can you say to your boyfriend you don't want to have sex with him because he sucks in bed? A man's ego never recovers from that. So you manage to go through it, until it's so unsatisfying you're just done with it, and start to hate the dude.

See, sex is important. If both of you are happy in that department believe me everything will be easier.

Justin keeps talking, raising his leg once more he touches his lips before letting his hands fall and brush over mine.

When he smiles at me, I realize precisely what he is doing, and I am not strong enough to stop it.

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