After finally catching the right train that left Tokyo into the upper northern country side, then taking a bus the rest of the way Senya finally found herself in her new home town. It was everything she was looking for. It had history, culture and beauty. She knew there was still alot of traditional roots here, roots she so desperately wanted to bury herself and one day bloom into a new flower. It was late by the time she found her way to the hostel.
She didn't bother unpacking being 10 hours ahead of her usual time zone and another 14 hour flight, she walked in last night dumped her luggage and crawled into her into bed. She fell into a deep sleep and woke up feeling a little more emptier than usual, but emptier was better than heavier and broken.
Rolling up to look at the ceiling, she cleared her mind and thought of nothing, her heart was overjoyed and yet grieving at the same time she felt like a ghost, not with reality but not exactly in the next life either.
About 10 minutes into her deep thoughts, she sighed to herself and decided to get up. She needed to find the training facility and check in, they only booked her in the hostel for one night and told her to be at the facility 8 am sharp.
Thinking about her life, her new vow and her new purpose gave her the strength to move faster and after a quick shower, brushing her teeth and getting changed into a pair of leggings and a plain white shirt with her boots, she picked up her luggage and made her way to the check out process.
After taking out her phone and looking for the directions, she finally stood in front of the entrance of new home, her new life, her new beginning.
Senya knew this what she wanted and needed to do but it didn't make it easier with each step, she was a broken woman who wasn't even in her 30s yet. Yet she felt lifetimes older and knew that this was the only place she would be able to call home well she hoped so. Senya never fitted in anywhere, yes she had friends and a big family but with a big family means going unnoticed alot easier. She struggled throughout her life to truly feel connected to people or her sense of belonging. Even with her closest friends who loved and cared for her she always felt alone. There was one person who saw her for who she was and even then at the best of times, he rejected her countless times, broke her heart over and over again, just to pull her back afraid of her wondering away too far. They would talk about everything and anything and argue about everything and anything, complete bi-polar opposites but they were drawn to each other like two magnets. They dated other people, loved other people and broke other people and it lead them nowhere closer to each other. It was the same story but just differently told each time, but the story was the same none the less.
They saw each other, really saw one another. It was beautiful and tragic because even after 14 years, he just couldn't let her in. She thought that maybe it was because of the fear of losing her that always made him keep her at arms length, but deep down she knew him better than that. He would always still hold a mystery to his emotions. One she tried endlessly to connect with on a deeper level, he told her countless times, that he didn't believe in love but she loved him anyways, he told her he couldn't settle down and liked to be alone but she comforted him and crawled to him, when he asked her to.
Weak, that's what she thought to herself while walking to entrances main door. He made her feel weak, because in the end love could not conquer all and she knew that she had to leave for the sake of her own sanity and heart. She needed to leave.
It took everything in her to write him that note, her final words to him, get on a plane and run as far away as she could from him.
It took everything to silence her heart to stop and go back.
It cried and crumbled to the floor, begging her not to do this, to keep trying for him. Her heart felt like throwing a tantrum, throwing everything to the floor and crying desperately to be given what it wanted, what it needed. It broke down and mourned at her for listening to her cold mind. It was screaming at her mind that it was a monster and that if it only could feel the love it did, her mind would change.
She knew that her heart felt betrayed by her and that it wouldn't open up ever again, but Senya was perfectly fine with that. It has caused her enough problems and pain to last her several lifetimes. No her heart was weak and foolish and she was done with fairy tales.
Clearing her heart from her mind and a past she no longer belonged to, she opened the door and came forward to her new life.
The life of martial arts and learning to become a fighter, not a victim. Emotions didn't belong here and she was never going to feel emotionally weak again.