#32 Me too
The next day, we’ve both got a horrible hangover, of course, but for the first time ever, Dshawn is in worse shape than I am. Some food, pain pills and a hot shower work wonders for me, but he stays grumpy, massaging his temples with a frown on his face.
“I’m sorry about last night,” he says when we’re sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in our hands. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
I roll my eyes and grin. “You really have to stop worrying about doing something that will scare me off. You have no idea what kind of things I’ve already done in the past. I may not be into the light BDSM-stuff that Caroline likes, but I’m pretty damn kinky as well.”
He looks at me for a long time, trying to assess how serious I am. “So letting someone come on your face… that wasn’t a first?”
I shake my head. “Nah. It was the first time that it happened in a bathroom, though. Normally I’d be lying on a bed, all comfortable. So that was a first.”
“And the shower thing?” he asks, still looking a little unsure.
“Not the first time either,” I confess. “I had this fuckbuddy a few years ago who was crazy for anal and I actually spent a whole night reading up about it, trying to figure out how the fuck that stuff works.”
“Oh, okay.” He nods, lost in thought for a moment. “Have you ever received…?”
“Yes, I have,” I answer honestly. “Finger, anal beads, but plug, vibrator, dick… Tried it all. I honestly don’t really care for it myself. Maybe the occasional rim job if the guy is up for it, but penetration is not a big turn-on for me. It’s not unpleasant though, so if you’re into that kind of stuff, I’d be willing to try it with you.”
Dshawn shakes his head. “Never mind.”
An awkward silence stretched out between us, even though I wasn’t feeling even remotely self-conscious talking about it. It’s Dshawn that doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. He’s looking down at his mug like he’s never seen coffee before in his life.
“Hey,” I say softly. “Did I say something wrong?”
He starts shaking his head, but changes his mind and turns it into a nod. “We agreed to be honest about stuff that bothers us, so… yeah. I mean, no you didn’t say something wrong, but sometimes I forget that you’ve already done all of this with a hundred other guys, and then I remember, and I feel… I don’t know. Inexperienced. Unimportant. The last in line.”
“Oh honey…” I put down my coffee mug and take his away as well so we can hug. “I’m sorry if I’m too forward about this stuff. I’m just used to talking openly about all of this. First of all, you’re not inexperienced. Neither of those things we tried were a first for you, right?”
He shrugs. “I’ve had a finger up my asshole before, but not… not like that. What you did… fuck, Shaughna, I meant it when I said it was the best orgasm I’ve ever had.”
I smile at that, still a little proud that I did that. “Well, then maybe you should just be grateful that I got to mess up with other guys so I could get good enough at it to give you that experience. And I’m perfectly happy doing that to you many, many more times.”
Finally, a grin lights up his face for a moment. “I’d like that.”
“You also said that you feel unimportant.” I take his hands in mine and make sure to let him see all my emotions as I hold his gaze with my own. “I hope I didn’t do anything to make you feel that way. I know that I can be a pain, and that I don’t express my feelings for you in words very often, but I… I really do…” I swallow and open my mouth again, trying to get the words out, but I can’t. Not yet. It’s too soon. I can’t even think the word without feeling like I have to throw up. “I really, really like you,” I say instead.
He smiles and caresses my cheek for a moment. I can tell that he knows what I’m trying to convey to him. “Me too, baby.”
“Okay. Good.” I smile a little, trying to relax again. “I also just want to say for good measure that I know that you did some of the things you’re doing with me now… well, that you did that with Caroline as well. So when you feel inexperienced or unimportant, just remember that you used to fuck my best friend, have her finger up your asshole and jizz on her boobs. And I’m totally okay with that. Well, I mean, I don’t want you to do that ever again, but I’m fine with the fact that the two of you did the nasty in the past. So, if I don’t mind that, then maybe… maybe that makes it easier to be okay with the stuff I did with other guys.”
Dshawn nods, a serious look on his face. “I never thought about it like that. In a way, you have more reasons to be uncomfortable about my sex life before you than the other way around.”
I smack his arm. “Way to make a girl feel good, Dshawn!”
He laughs and gives me a peck on the lips. “You know what I mean. Thanks for making me feel better, baby.”
I take a deep breath, steadying myself. “And then that last thing you said… That you feel like you’re last in line… I mean, in way you’re right. You are the guy to come after all those other guys. After my high school boyfriends, Melchior, a whole string of fuckbuddies, friends-with-benefits and one-night stands. And now…” I smile and look down at my hands in his. “Now there’s you, and for the first time ever, I feel like this might be the end of the line.”
“Really?” he asks softly. “Are you saying-”
“Don’t make me say it,” I say, tears springing to my eyes. This is all too much for me. Talking about this makes me think of Melchior even though I don’t want to. It makes me remember that I felt just as strongly about him and how he took that love and shoved it down my throat. How he hurt me, way worse than just physically. Even though I know that it’s different with Dshawn, I still feel deep down that saying it out loud will make me vulnerable. That it will allow all these feelings to get out somehow and give him the power to hurt me like Melchior did.
Dshawn pulls me into his arms and strokes my back and my hair until I calm down. I press my nose into his shirt and take in the faint smell of oranges that always seems to hang around him. When I’m all cried out, he pulls back and wipes the tears away with his fingers.
“You don’t have to say it, Shaughna. I know. Me too.”