Unlawful Devotion

Why am I like this? Why am I not like the others? So many questions swirl around in my mind, like a storm brewing.

No matter how hard I have tried, life always threw freaking curveballs at me. Isn’t life supposed to have it’s high tides and ebbs? Then why is mine only filled with tides which constantly drown me?

Was I born cursed? I sometimes wonder. Was I born in the wrong time or to the wrong family? I’ve got a billion questions which lack an answer.

Or maybe it is the place where I live? A place where the mentality of the people is yet clutching onto the customs and traditions of our forefathers. A place with toxic energy that suffocates your soul.

Would I have been in the condition that I am now if I was born male? Maybe then I would be free from judgments, maybe then I would be able to breathe freely.

I wonder when was the last time that I was able to feel relaxed. I believe it was a pleasant feeling. A feeling which I’m not sure I will be able to experience ever again.

Will I succeed to get away from this circle of people? From this monotonous life that has gripped me entirely? Will that day come where I will wake up without feeling the weight in my soul? Maybe that day is today? Maybe today is the beginning of my happiness, the beginning to get out of this darkness that has frayed my soul.

How could I ever know you?
When everything lies in disguise
How could I ever forget?
Those eyes looking for my weal

How could I ever know more?
When everything is held by a threat
How could I ever feel you?
Once again, without losing my mind?

Oh, empty note,
Shadows of my past,
Made it to the end

The song of the alarm shook me out of my common thoughts. You may wonder the reason for me to be feeling this way. All depressed and heartbroken even.

It wasn’t any boy, or girl, I can assure you. The least I needed was to be in a relationship while juggling with all that has been tormenting me at home. Stories on books speak of girls being the way I was as a result of heartbreak after a relationship has fallen apart.

Well, my life was far from a book. I have always been of the opinion and I still am, that the pain that can be caused by family members cannot be compared to any other. Maybe the reason that I think in this way is because I have never been in love with someone, but how can I fall in love with someone when I don’t have any love to give? I don’t even have love for myself, and that tiny bit of love that I have I’m pouring it out to my mother without even thinking twice. Even though she deserves so much more love than I’m able to give to her.

She deserves a better life.

I unplugged my phone from the charger and glanced at the time on the screen. 06:00 am.

Today was the 1st of September, which meant only one thing to me, the beginning of high school and a new start. What will the new beginning be for me, it remains to be seen.

I hop out of bed with a groan, my heart tinged with a little hope inside me. No matter how small that speck of hope was, it was a feeling that I haven’t felt in years. I have chosen to study medicine with the hopes that one day I will be able to create a successful career for myself and be able to help my mother, my heroine.

By the time I’d slipped into my clothes, my emotions had grown. A bubble of nervousness swirled in the pit of my stomach and I began to panic.

How will high school be? Will I make friends or will it be the same as in elementary school, where I had been out of the friend zone? I hoped it would be the first one.

I ran an iron through my hair before grabbing my bag and heading downstairs. I hastily peeked at the clock above the kitchen door. 06:50 am. I dropped the bag onto the couch and went into the kitchen where I opened the fridge and got a bottle of water. I chugged half the contents in my nervousness, trying to bottle up the feeling and spilt the rest. Refilling the bottle, I shove it again in the fridge.

Who drinks water in the morning? It’s either milk or juice or maybe an energy drink, but not I. Back at my elementary school, teachers used to ask me, “You have eaten a lot of sweets last night. Haven’t you, Adora?”

I would just smile at them and continue to chug on the water.

Maybe I wasn’t thirsty because I had chewed on candy last night, but maybe because I had drunk something sour.

Like my tears.

I slid into my favourite shoes. Today I wanted to look better even though I’m not one to pay too much attention to my choice of clothes. It’s one of the last things I care about. I looked at the clock which read 06:57 am. I grabbed my bag and ran out of the house. Fortunately, the bus station was close to where I lived.

“At a point, I started to think that you’re not coming today,” my friend, Olivia said, flashing me a toothy smile. She has been one of my friends since elementary school. It felt good to have someone you know in high school. Especially in class.

While I was calmer, Olivia was the complete opposite of me. She has always been more outgoing and confident than I was and even though I did not consider her as my best friend, I couldn’t help, but feel thankful for having her beside me.

“I wouldn’t miss the first day for any reason,” I tell her, adjusting the strap of my bag where it rested on my shoulder. “The first day is really important. We get to know our classmates, teachers, the class tutor an-...”

“Adora, are you serious right now?”

“You can’t think of learning from day one, it’s high school, Adora, not elementary school! No one cares about the lessons now, this is the moment where our freedom starts, outside the village, away from people with that low mentality. It’s time to get to know different guys, to have fun, to learn what fun is,” Olivia gushed, her eyes twinkling with, there it was, our lifeline - hope.

“Olivia, don’t forget that after 8 hours we will return to this very village with a low mentality. High school won’t change this, and not everyone goes to high school with your intentions. Frankly, I’m not gonna be one of those students who change once they step into high school. I have an intention to get a diploma,” I reprimand.

“Okay, okay. Don’t be mad. We both know that what I just said are only words. You, of all people, know how much I am dedicated to school. I’m just trying to make myself feel better with those words.”

I didn’t say anything, I turned my gaze to the other side, looking for the bus. Olivia has always wanted to go in a private high school but her family couldn’t afford it.

“Are you excited?,” she asked while looking at her phone.

“Yes, extremely. You?,” I asked, glancing at her.

“Yeah, I already have started to talk with some of our classmates

Unfortunately though, we won’t have many guys in class.” Olivia pouted.

“For god’s sake. How were you introduced to them? and why does it matter if we won’t have many guys in our class?”

“Duh, from Snapchat where else?,” she scoffed, as if I was supposed to know. “-and as for the second question, guys are important in the class. They keep the class hyped with silly jokes and flirtation, but even if we had many guys in our class they would have all been nerds!” She gestured dramatically with her hands.

“What’s the problem with being a nerd? Unlike guys who belong in the streets they have a purpose in their life and are on the right path,” I reason.

“Why not be a nerd and a bad boy?” She shot back.

“I don’t know. Maybe because they are too hyped from the narcotics they consume?” I supply, shrugging my shoulders.

“The bus is coming!,” she yelled excitedly, dismissing our previous conversation.

It’s our time to get on the high school bus I thought to myself. The bus would be full of students from different villages. The moment the bus stopped in front of us, I felt like I couldn’t breathe properly, when the bus door slid open, it felt like it was the portal to my dreams.

I entered the bus after a few village studs had clambered in.

I refrained from looking around the bus. So many people. So many unknown faces. Some of them had rested their heads on the bus windows. Some were talking with the person they had near and some of them looked like they would rather be in hell than here. In which group will I belong? That remains to be seen.

“Adora, stop looking into the people like a freak and move!” Olivia pushed me aside and started walking towards the end!

Why in the end? there were many other free places to sit. I followed her, It felt as if all the people were staring at me, as if all the attention was on me. It was a real process to even move my leg without it shivering.

The moment we finally reached the end and took our seats, I felt relieved. I managed to sit down without falling or embarrassing myself. I felt Olivia popping one of her AirPods in my ear. I turned my gaze to her and smiled.

The song got me thinking. I wanted to leave forever, away from the city of lights where no one knows my name, and just camp out in the open watching the stars at night, meeting new people and telling them my hopes and dreams and all of my desires, watching sunrises colour over the sky, away from society’s eyes.

“We are here, ” The driver announced.

I gazed out from the window at the intimidating buildings ahead.

High school, here I come.

Author's note: This is the first book I'm writing, I hope you guys like it.

Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and more are updated on Wattpad! New chapters are always posted on Wattpad first.