The beginning of healing...I hope
So this is my attempt to heal, I suppose. I really don’t know what I should be doing, but I know feeling crappy doesn’t solve anything. One of my college professors said talking to someone about issues, whatever they be, really helps. But I don’t want to talk to someone cause they’ll say things like “You deserve better, you can do better.” It irritates me having platitudes spewed when they can’t possibly understand or know. But in a way I am taking the professor’s advice, I am talking here to the multitude of zero because I don’t want advice. I just want to write it out, think about it, and heal. So here I go, this is what happened to me. Just one quick note...I am changing names of everyone and an occasional thing so anonymity can be preserved.
I’m 18-years-old (almost 19) and a freshman at a Texas state college. I wasn’t the most studious person, but I was good at one thing...art. It earned me a scholarship, albeit a small one, and acceptance into a well reputed state school. My mom, who is single, works all the time (but I love her anyway) couldn’t make it on “drop off day.” I rode the bus for two hours and all its glory to school by myself.
I was a bit scared coming to school by myself. My best friend...let’s call her Lena, opted to go to community college, instead of the big four year. I think it was a finance thing combined with... well Lena was a bit wild- so grades - not so good. We were way different. I was not social so many people commented on our unlikely friendship but hey, it worked. Mainly because I loved listening to Lena and her escapades, and she loved hearing herself talk. I missed Lena, especially when I got to my dorm. My roommate was MIA and my neighbors were scary. Like didn’t bathe scary.
After putting my very little belongings away, I checked the time, my paper schedule, and made my way to the food court. This part is important, so pay attention. This is where I met Him. The guy. The reason why I am writing this blog, and the reason why I am broken.
The crowds were suffocating. I wasn’t a crowd person. I was a “can entertain myself” type of person and a “leave me alone” type of person. This attitude had earned me quite a reputation from my hometown. I was known as untouchable, unfriendly, and to the really special hateful people, a bitch. I wasn’t a bitch. I just didn’t want to fake friendliness. In Texas that is a literal sin - everyone was supposed to be friendly regardless of how they felt about each other.
I really hated being in this crowd and the feeling was so overwhelming I became on edge. So when someone bumped into me, I was ready to bite their head off.
“Sorry,” the male person said.
My head was down and I remember frowning while looking at the floor. His voice bothered me and I didn’t know why. I was uncomfortable. In fact my heart rate sped up and my arm tingled from where he touched me.
“It’s okay” I mumbled to my shoes. I was still afraid to look up. I don’t know why. I wasn’t shy. I was introverted, but not shy. I think I was afraid that I might be super bitchy if I looked up. This was a new start for me, college and all, and I didn’t want my first conversation with someone to be bitchy.
He cleared his voice. I think he was trying to make eye contact with me and it worked. I glanced up to his beautiful blue eyes. I knew, boy I just knew, he was going to be hot, just from his voice. I can still feel my heart beating as it did that day. That is what he always did to me. His dark brown hair was perfect, with enough wave to make it stylish. He was tall, like 6 foot 2 inches and he was just beautiful. His clothes were perfect, tight enough to show his muscular build, but loose enough to be classy. He was so dag-on hot that I wanted to reach up on my tip toes and kiss him right there.
But instead I hated him. I hated everything about him. and so when I said, “don’t do it again” and turned around with a flip of my long blonde hair, I realized bitch was an apt description of my personality. But, Gawd, it was because he was so damned intimidating.
I needed to get away, so I scurried up to the crowd hovering around this skinny pencil-necked dude with a shirt buttoned to his teeth. This guy I could deal with. He was saying something about a campus tour but I kept getting distracted by the girls in front of me. They giggled, constantly. I wanted to slap them until I heard what they were saying, “OhhhhMmmmmG did you see that dude, he is soooooo hot.” I followed the girl’s perfectly manicured finger to ...yep...HIM. Our eyes met again and of course I looked away. Hate rain through me. How dare he make me feel this flustered.
I shifted further back in the crowd. Why I was avoiding a guy I was clearly attracted to wasn’t so much a mystery to me. I don’t like uncomfortable situations and every since the third grade, when I professed my ever dying love to my math partner and got shot down miserably, in front of my entire class, that boiled over with laughter, I never, ever wanted to experience that kind of humiliation again. So I avoided any possible situation where I might be shot down again. So that left me without a boyfriend...ever, nor a prom date, homecoming date, or any date whatsoever. Yep - I’m the definition of social awkward. Lena always said that I put out this bitch vibe that no guy would ever ask me to anything if I didn’t ease up. It was such an engrained habit, I didn’t know how to ease up. I wasn’t even sure what vibe I put out. I just knew I avoided.
“Hey again.”
That voice, this reaction, it couldn’t be healthy.
I nodded.
“I’m sorry if I offended you earlier.”
Did he have to be so nice? dammit.
I guess I can’t be a cold bitch forever. College was a start of a new life, a new reputation, and if I didn’t start acting differently, I will still be without dates.
I shrugged..no that’s not good. So I forced out, “It’s okay. You didn’t offend me.”
He smiled and I felt the earth fall beneath me. Was I floating above it? He still stared at me, I stared at him. It was like this strange air swirled around us. I think he felt it too cause he looked... confused, intrigued, interested.
“The tour has begun...” He waved his hand forward and I automatically walked. Good idea, let’s get away from all this weird swirling air.
“Are you a freshman too?” I ask. I’m proud of myself. I don’t initiate conversation...ever.
“No.” I waited for more, but he didn’t supply it. I felt stupid and shot down.
“What’s your major?” He asked.
“Communications, I think, minor in art.”
“you think?”
“I’m here on an art scholarship but even I know that you can’t make a living at it.”
He chuckled and I smiled. I felt my shoulders relax.
“An artist then...”
I wasn’t sure where he was going with that. It was more like an introspective thought he had or something. I won’t bore you with our conversation from this point, but it was good. I found out he was a business major, he liked sports, his favorite soccer. He had a sister who was older. He was impatient with forward girls. I remembering turning red and looking away at that pronouncement. Did he think I am forward? I felt stupid for being embarrassed by that statement. He never seemed to notice my hot cheeks or strange reactions though, and the more I got to know him, the more comfortable I felt.
The real fun started during a scavenger hunt. We had to find all these items on a list. I can’t remember any of them but one. A specific library book. We were laughing so hard because of our crazy antics and stories we were making up in order for people to comply with our requests. I could hardly breathe after he told the librarian volunteer that he had a fetish with feet and we needed to find a psychology book dealing with his weird sexual appetite because, I, his girlfriend, was getting chapped toes from all the sucking. After the poor girl departed with a confused and disgusted face, I gave him my widest grin.
“You’re merciless. That poor girl will never be able to look at you without visualizing you sucking some poor girls toes!”
He smiled back and pulled me deeper into the library books. His gaze was steady and I was intrigued. I couldn’t look away.
“You know, you are beautiful when you smile.” He chuckled but I didn’t know what about. He seemed nervous, cleared his throat and said, “I mean you’re beautiful all the time, but stunning when you smile.”
My heart constricted in my chest. I could’t breathe or think. I looked down. I felt...fear and decided I needed to get out of there. Turning, I was ready to run, but he stopped me by gently grasping my arm. I looked at his hand and then his eyes. They weren’t laughing anymore. He looked intent.
At this time, I had never been kissed by a guy - not a peck, not even on a cheek. I heard Lena talk about kissing, even in detail, but I had no idea how to apply any of it to my lips. I shook my head. But that didn’t deter him. He must of sensed the fear or saw the fear in my eyes because his eyes looked soft, sympathetic.
He pulled me closer to the point our chests were touching and leaned down to seal his lips against mine. I wish there were more words I could describe the feeling of this moment. But I cannot. I had never, ever experienced anything like it and I knew deep down, even if I had kissed a million guys, this one would have been different. Everything disappeared. The books, the typing, the hushes, and whispers. It was just me and him exploring. I think I moaned, I don’t know but I can still feel his hand glide through my hair, I can feel him cradling my face as I gripped his shirt with my fists. I felt like I was going to explode. Everything escaping from the center point of my heart, breaking into million of pieces around me.
We never made it back to the group and the scavenger hunt. Instead we kissed just about everywhere we walked. We laughed and kissed, we argued and kissed, and we never slept that night. I never went back to my dorm room. Instead we talked on the bench in the sweltering Texas heat about lizards and chickens and anything we wanted to talk about. I fell in love that night. I think he did too.
With the sun coming up through the horizon, and I was sure I was looking frightful from a sleepless night, he said something that shattered everything.
“I’m only here for two weeks to finish some loose ends before moving to Princeton and starting my Masters.”
Two fucking weeks and he would be gone from my life. As horrible as this is at this moment for me, this is not why I am in the condition I am in. But I am going to end this entry today because my MIA roommate is begging me to go with her to some party. She is a whole different story that I will have to tell another day.
I’m 18-years-old (almost 19) and a freshman at a Texas state college. I wasn’t the most studious person, but I was good at one thing...art. It earned me a scholarship, albeit a small one, and acceptance into a well reputed state school. My mom, who is single, works all the time (but I love her anyway) couldn’t make it on “drop off day.” I rode the bus for two hours and all its glory to school by myself.
I was a bit scared coming to school by myself. My best friend...let’s call her Lena, opted to go to community college, instead of the big four year. I think it was a finance thing combined with... well Lena was a bit wild- so grades - not so good. We were way different. I was not social so many people commented on our unlikely friendship but hey, it worked. Mainly because I loved listening to Lena and her escapades, and she loved hearing herself talk. I missed Lena, especially when I got to my dorm. My roommate was MIA and my neighbors were scary. Like didn’t bathe scary.
After putting my very little belongings away, I checked the time, my paper schedule, and made my way to the food court. This part is important, so pay attention. This is where I met Him. The guy. The reason why I am writing this blog, and the reason why I am broken.
The crowds were suffocating. I wasn’t a crowd person. I was a “can entertain myself” type of person and a “leave me alone” type of person. This attitude had earned me quite a reputation from my hometown. I was known as untouchable, unfriendly, and to the really special hateful people, a bitch. I wasn’t a bitch. I just didn’t want to fake friendliness. In Texas that is a literal sin - everyone was supposed to be friendly regardless of how they felt about each other.
I really hated being in this crowd and the feeling was so overwhelming I became on edge. So when someone bumped into me, I was ready to bite their head off.
“Sorry,” the male person said.
My head was down and I remember frowning while looking at the floor. His voice bothered me and I didn’t know why. I was uncomfortable. In fact my heart rate sped up and my arm tingled from where he touched me.
“It’s okay” I mumbled to my shoes. I was still afraid to look up. I don’t know why. I wasn’t shy. I was introverted, but not shy. I think I was afraid that I might be super bitchy if I looked up. This was a new start for me, college and all, and I didn’t want my first conversation with someone to be bitchy.
He cleared his voice. I think he was trying to make eye contact with me and it worked. I glanced up to his beautiful blue eyes. I knew, boy I just knew, he was going to be hot, just from his voice. I can still feel my heart beating as it did that day. That is what he always did to me. His dark brown hair was perfect, with enough wave to make it stylish. He was tall, like 6 foot 2 inches and he was just beautiful. His clothes were perfect, tight enough to show his muscular build, but loose enough to be classy. He was so dag-on hot that I wanted to reach up on my tip toes and kiss him right there.
But instead I hated him. I hated everything about him. and so when I said, “don’t do it again” and turned around with a flip of my long blonde hair, I realized bitch was an apt description of my personality. But, Gawd, it was because he was so damned intimidating.
I needed to get away, so I scurried up to the crowd hovering around this skinny pencil-necked dude with a shirt buttoned to his teeth. This guy I could deal with. He was saying something about a campus tour but I kept getting distracted by the girls in front of me. They giggled, constantly. I wanted to slap them until I heard what they were saying, “OhhhhMmmmmG did you see that dude, he is soooooo hot.” I followed the girl’s perfectly manicured finger to ...yep...HIM. Our eyes met again and of course I looked away. Hate rain through me. How dare he make me feel this flustered.
I shifted further back in the crowd. Why I was avoiding a guy I was clearly attracted to wasn’t so much a mystery to me. I don’t like uncomfortable situations and every since the third grade, when I professed my ever dying love to my math partner and got shot down miserably, in front of my entire class, that boiled over with laughter, I never, ever wanted to experience that kind of humiliation again. So I avoided any possible situation where I might be shot down again. So that left me without a boyfriend...ever, nor a prom date, homecoming date, or any date whatsoever. Yep - I’m the definition of social awkward. Lena always said that I put out this bitch vibe that no guy would ever ask me to anything if I didn’t ease up. It was such an engrained habit, I didn’t know how to ease up. I wasn’t even sure what vibe I put out. I just knew I avoided.
“Hey again.”
That voice, this reaction, it couldn’t be healthy.
I nodded.
“I’m sorry if I offended you earlier.”
Did he have to be so nice? dammit.
I guess I can’t be a cold bitch forever. College was a start of a new life, a new reputation, and if I didn’t start acting differently, I will still be without dates.
I shrugged..no that’s not good. So I forced out, “It’s okay. You didn’t offend me.”
He smiled and I felt the earth fall beneath me. Was I floating above it? He still stared at me, I stared at him. It was like this strange air swirled around us. I think he felt it too cause he looked... confused, intrigued, interested.
“The tour has begun...” He waved his hand forward and I automatically walked. Good idea, let’s get away from all this weird swirling air.
“Are you a freshman too?” I ask. I’m proud of myself. I don’t initiate conversation...ever.
“No.” I waited for more, but he didn’t supply it. I felt stupid and shot down.
“What’s your major?” He asked.
“Communications, I think, minor in art.”
“you think?”
“I’m here on an art scholarship but even I know that you can’t make a living at it.”
He chuckled and I smiled. I felt my shoulders relax.
“An artist then...”
I wasn’t sure where he was going with that. It was more like an introspective thought he had or something. I won’t bore you with our conversation from this point, but it was good. I found out he was a business major, he liked sports, his favorite soccer. He had a sister who was older. He was impatient with forward girls. I remembering turning red and looking away at that pronouncement. Did he think I am forward? I felt stupid for being embarrassed by that statement. He never seemed to notice my hot cheeks or strange reactions though, and the more I got to know him, the more comfortable I felt.
The real fun started during a scavenger hunt. We had to find all these items on a list. I can’t remember any of them but one. A specific library book. We were laughing so hard because of our crazy antics and stories we were making up in order for people to comply with our requests. I could hardly breathe after he told the librarian volunteer that he had a fetish with feet and we needed to find a psychology book dealing with his weird sexual appetite because, I, his girlfriend, was getting chapped toes from all the sucking. After the poor girl departed with a confused and disgusted face, I gave him my widest grin.
“You’re merciless. That poor girl will never be able to look at you without visualizing you sucking some poor girls toes!”
He smiled back and pulled me deeper into the library books. His gaze was steady and I was intrigued. I couldn’t look away.
“You know, you are beautiful when you smile.” He chuckled but I didn’t know what about. He seemed nervous, cleared his throat and said, “I mean you’re beautiful all the time, but stunning when you smile.”
My heart constricted in my chest. I could’t breathe or think. I looked down. I felt...fear and decided I needed to get out of there. Turning, I was ready to run, but he stopped me by gently grasping my arm. I looked at his hand and then his eyes. They weren’t laughing anymore. He looked intent.
At this time, I had never been kissed by a guy - not a peck, not even on a cheek. I heard Lena talk about kissing, even in detail, but I had no idea how to apply any of it to my lips. I shook my head. But that didn’t deter him. He must of sensed the fear or saw the fear in my eyes because his eyes looked soft, sympathetic.
He pulled me closer to the point our chests were touching and leaned down to seal his lips against mine. I wish there were more words I could describe the feeling of this moment. But I cannot. I had never, ever experienced anything like it and I knew deep down, even if I had kissed a million guys, this one would have been different. Everything disappeared. The books, the typing, the hushes, and whispers. It was just me and him exploring. I think I moaned, I don’t know but I can still feel his hand glide through my hair, I can feel him cradling my face as I gripped his shirt with my fists. I felt like I was going to explode. Everything escaping from the center point of my heart, breaking into million of pieces around me.
We never made it back to the group and the scavenger hunt. Instead we kissed just about everywhere we walked. We laughed and kissed, we argued and kissed, and we never slept that night. I never went back to my dorm room. Instead we talked on the bench in the sweltering Texas heat about lizards and chickens and anything we wanted to talk about. I fell in love that night. I think he did too.
With the sun coming up through the horizon, and I was sure I was looking frightful from a sleepless night, he said something that shattered everything.
“I’m only here for two weeks to finish some loose ends before moving to Princeton and starting my Masters.”
Two fucking weeks and he would be gone from my life. As horrible as this is at this moment for me, this is not why I am in the condition I am in. But I am going to end this entry today because my MIA roommate is begging me to go with her to some party. She is a whole different story that I will have to tell another day.
Start writing here…
