We were in the car, driving to Iyaan's house. I was fidgeting with my fingers nervously. What if he expects something sexual from me? What if he wants to consummate our marriage tonight? I am not ready for that. I know of it was Karthik, he would just rape me. He won't even wait for my consent.
After an hour, the car stopped in front of a big black gate. The security opened the gate and the driver drove past him. A beautiful mansion came to my view. It was much bigger than the house I have lived in. Iyaan got out of the car and walked to the house. I opened the door on my side and held my heavy lehenga and got out of the car.
"Raju, keep the luggage in the living room." He said. The driver nodded. Iyaan opened the door and entered the house.
"Aren't you going in, madam? "The driver asked. I nodded and walked into the house. The house was so beautiful. Everything looked so expensive.
"Your room is on the right side. I will help you with the luggage." Iyaan said. I sighed internally when he said my room.
"Th-an-k yo-u." I stuttered. I want to mentally slap myself for stuttering but I guess, it is a side effect of the abuse I have gone through. He nodded and took my luggage and walked upstairs. I followed him holding a black duffle bag that wasn't much heavy. He opened the door on the left side and entered it. He placed the luggage in the room and I got in. It was a simple room with white walls and a queen size bed in the center.
"This is your room. You can make any changes in this room as you wish." He said. I nodded my head.
"Goodnight." He said and walked out of my room closing the door behind him.
I opened my black duffle bag and took out my pajamas. With great difficulty, I removed the red bridal lehenga and neatly folded it. I placed the dress on the wadrobe and walked into the bathroom. I took off my clothes and tied my hair that grew past my breast into a messy bun. I stood in front of the mirror and inspected my skinny body. My stomach had purple bruises and my upper arm has a red bruise from today due to my uncle's tight grip. My arms had the marks of my self harming.
Tears formed in my eyes as these words kept repeating in my head. The words of insult that were constantly used by my uncle, aunt, cousins, and bullies in my school. High school was the toughest period of my life. Highschool broke me mentally. High school made me insecure about myself.
I wiped my tears and I turned on the shower. I sighed when the cold water touched my skin. After taking a long bath and wearing my pajamas, I laid on the big comfy bed. It's been years since I last slept on a bed. My eyes started drooping and slowly I drifted into a peaceful sleep.
I frantically woke up and looked at the clock. I started crying silently as I saw it was 7 am. My heartbeat started increasing and it became difficult to breathe.
I repeated this for a few minutes before realizing that I was no longer in the torn mattress or in the small room that I used to sleep in but in a queen-size bed and a very big room. I then realized why my uncle has not broken my bones until now. It is because I am now married and no longer in that house, I have lived till yesterday.
I quickly took a bath and wore makeup to cover my bruises. I then wore white leggings and a simple red Kurti. I dried my hair and left it open to dry. I also applied sindoor to my forehead. I peeked my head out of my door and the house was dark and quiet. Probably, he is still sleeping.
I slowly walked down the stairs and went into the kitchen. It seems like someone made coffee because the kettle was in the sink and there were also bread crumbs on the kitchen counter. Oh my goodness! Did he make himself breakfast? I should have woken up early. I was supposed to act as a good wife and make him food. Will he tell my uncle that I didn't make him breakfast? Will, he sent me back to them? Will, he hurt me like them because I forgot to make him breakfast? Will he make me sleep in a torn mattress and lock me up?
I started sobbing thinking of the worst scenarios. I quickly wiped my tears and started searching the entire house for Iyaan. I am so worthless, aren't I? I didn't even make breakfast for my husband. How can I be so irresponsible?
I need to apologize to him.
I started searching the entire house for him. His room, office, and room on the left side if the hallway was locked for some reason. I didn't find him, so I think, he is not in the house. I will apologize to him as soon as he comes. I hope he forgives me.
I decided to prepare lunch. One, because I was bored doing nothing and two because in a way I thought of apologizing to Iyaan by making him lunch. I decided to make veg pulao. I opened the fridge and took out some vegetables. I washed and peeled them. I then cooked the rice and added the vegetables to them. After about 30 minutes everything was ready. I transferred the rice into a glass bowl and placed it on the dining table.
I was washing the dishes when I heard the front door open.
"Amaira." Iyaan yelled. I wiped my hand and walked into the living room. He looks angry. His nose flaring. His chest rising and falling rapidly. His fists clenched on his sides.
"Why the fuck did you marry me?" He yelled. His voice was cold and venomous. I flinched at his tone.
"pl-ea-se ca-lm do-wn." I stuttered as I took a step back.
"Stop fucking stuttering and answer the damn question." He yelled. Tears rolled down from my eyes. He is just like them. He is going to hurt me. He is going to beat me.
"Was it for money? Of course, it is, isn't it? You married me for preventing your uncle's company from shutting down, didn't you?" He asked. I didn't say anything. I can't tell him anything. I can't tell him they abused me. I can't tell that I had scars over my body. I can't tell him that I was touched by another man against my will. I can't tell him I am broken because the next thing he will do is sent me back to the monsters or be disgusted by me.
"Do gold diggers like you have a heart? My parents think that you are the perfect wife for me. They trusted you. How could you?" He asked holding my forearm tightly. It hurt so much because that is exactly where my uncle held me yesterday.
"Yo-u a-re hur-ting me." I said between my sobs.
"I should fucking kill you for ruining my life. You are disgusting." He said and let go of my forearm. Disgusting. That word triggered me. That brought back all the memories. I cried harder.
"Just so you know, I will fucking make your life a hell for deceiving my parents and me." Iyaan said before walked away from me to the front door. He slammed it shut and then I heard the sound of his car engine and soon it was gone.
I sunk to my knees and cried. All I wanted was someone to love and care for me but I think I don't deserve it.
You are disgusting.
You are disgusting.
You are disgusting.
I covered my ears as that sentence he said kept on repeating. I wiped my tears but they kept on falling. My fingers traced the scar on my wrists. It cannot be seen due to the makeup I wore in my hand to hide them but I can feel the scars of self-harm I have done to myself. I was seventeen when I first cut myself. It was not painful because a small scar is nothing compared to broken ribs and a bruised stomach.
⫷ Sensitive topic ⫸
I walked into my room and went straight into the bathroom. I started searching the bathroom cabinets for razors or blades but I couldn't find anything. My hands were itching to make a cut on my wrist. I started going through all my things and finally found a razor blade.
I walked back into the bathroom and washed the makeup off my hand, making the light pink scars visible. I started tracing the scars on my wrist. Tears pooled in my eyes as I traced the deepest of them. It was the scar that I gave myself on my 18th birthday. The first time Devik touched me.
I sat on the bathroom floor and pressed the razor blade against my wrist. I slowly made a cut. I felt a familiar stinging sensation soon blood started oozing out of the cut. It hurt every time I do this but it also gives me some kind of relief.
I am not a person who continuously does self-harm. I only cut when I feel like I deserve all this, when I can't take the sadness anymore and when I feel like it all my fault. It is my fault. I never fought. I never fought for myself. I always let people do what they want.
It is all my fault.
￼I am just going to hide before you guys kill me.I am sorry but I did give you guys a heads up. I am not supporting Iyaan but just think from his prospect but he should have given her a chance to speak. I know how you feel, guys. I am sorry. This chapter was so hard to write, one because I don't self harm and I really don't know how it works and two, I am hopelessly romantic and hence writing the scene where Iyaan shouts at her was very difficult.
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