Always Everything

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Chapter Five

Sterling was certifiably crazy. He should be locked up. He should be thrown in the world's worse prison and never let out. He had done some messed up shit in his life, but this? Nearly kissing his son?

Fuck. He felt like an asshole. His boy was probably confused and hurting. Sterling had never treated him that way. He had always taken care of him, and now he couldn't even be near him because Sterling was fucked in the head.

He rushed upstairs, not even sparing a glance at Tiffany sitting at the table.

He shut himself in his bedroom. He slumped against the closed door.

What the hell am I going to do?

He raised his knees and cradled his face in his hands. Nothing felt okay anymore. This had become too big for him to brush it off as a temporary lapse in judgment.

He knew he should tell his son to run as far away from him as he could get. But the thought of losing his boy — his everything — physically hurt. He felt like a knife was stuck in his heart and twisted slowly.

He couldn't do that. He couldn't lose his only kid.

Even if it was best for him?

Goddammit, he was a selfish motherfucker because he couldn't push his boy away.

Even if it was what was best.

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Aubrey tried to concentrate on Tiffany; he tried to focus on her round face and wide eyes. He tried to remember how pretty she was just an hour ago. Now...

Now he couldn't see anything but his dad's dark eyes and pink lips. He couldn't hear anything but the heaviness of his dad's breaths. He couldn't smell anything but the scent of his dad's body. The unique smell that belonged only to him, mixed with his deodorant and the laundry detergent. It was a smell Aubrey had grown used to, but today he had viewed it as something entirely different. It had made him feel. Things a boy should never feel for his father.

"Are you okay?" Tiffany asked. She was sitting beside him on the couch.

Aubrey blinked at her. He realized he had spaced out...again. What was it? The third time?

"I'm fine, sorry." He fixed his gaze on her. She was pretty. She was a girl in every sense of the word, and he'd always liked girls. He dropped his eyes to her chest. She had the kind of chest boys his age loved, big and perky. Yet Aubrey didn't feel his cock harden at the sight of her big tits hugged snuggly by the pink t-shirt. He didn't feel his cock harden at the thought of touching them.

What was wrong with him? Hadn't he — just freaking yesterday — masturbated to the thought of those same tits?

"Aubrey?" Tiffany said softly.

Damn. He'd missed what she’d said again. He smiled. "I'm sorry."

She frowned. "If you don't want to hang out anymore, it's okay." She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked at her hands in her lap.

"No, I do. You're a great girl, Tiffany," Aubrey hurried to say. He didn't want to mess this up because he had a...moment? With his dad. He couldn't even wrap his head around that. He needed to forget about it. He needed to pretend it never happened.

"Can I kiss you?" He blurted out.

Tiffany jerked her head up, her wide eyes were even wider and her mouth gaped. "K-kiss me?" she stammered.

He didn't know why he asked her that, but he was going it with now.

He nodded.

"But, um, I've never, uh, k-kissed a guy."

Oh.

Aubrey had kissed girls, but he'd not done much more than that. "It's okay, Tiffany, don't worry about it." He smiled at her. He hoped it was reassuring. "I know it's a big deal so don't worry about it."

"No, no, I didn't mean it like that." She rushed fo say. "I would like to kiss you." She blushed. "For you to be my first."

First. She wanted him to be her first.

Aubrey suddenly felt sick. Because he knew this wasn't about Tiffany. This wasn't about wanting to kiss her. This was about his dad, and the weird moment they'd had in the laundry room. He was trying to feel normal and kissing Tiffany was normal. It was what a sixteen year old boy was supposed to do. Kiss girls and have girlfriends.

As he stared into Tiffany's light brown eyes and saw the scary anticipation there, he knew he couldn't kiss her. How could he take her first kiss when his heart wasn't in it? When he was fucked in the head over his dad? Just thinking that made Aubrey feel like he was in the middle of some twisted porn vid.

He swallowed as he glanced down at his hands. "Uh, Tiffany, I think I'm not feeling so good anymore."

She reached out and laid her hand on his arm. "Oh no! Is there anything I can do?"

He quickly glanced at her, then back to his hands. She was really nice. Too nice for him to mess with. "No, I'm fine." He shifted on the couch, moving his arm away from her. Hopefully she didn't notice, because Aubrey wasn't an asshole. He didn't want to hurt her. But he also realized he didn't want to be touched.

By anyone but his dad.

He couldn't even think about that right now.

"Do you need me to call my mom to come pick me up?" She furrowed her brows. She really did look worried. Aubrey felt like a dick.

"No, I said I'd drop you off at home and that's what I'll do." He stood up. "C'mon, we should get going." He gave her a closed lipped smile.

She stood slowly. Her brows were still pinched. She looked confused and Aubrey couldn't blame her.

"Okay," she said quietly.

Aubrey didn't say anything as he made his way to the front door; he just glanced up the stairs.

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Tiffany had tried to make small talk once they were in the car, but after five minutes of grunts and half hearted attempts at smiles from Aubrey, she'd stopped altogether.

After he'd dropped her off, not even walking her to her door, he drove back to his dad's place. He could head to his mom's house, his dad would understand after what had happened today, but he didn't want to. He loved being with his dad, and what had happened in the laundry room hadn't changed that.

He wanted to see his dad.

He swallowed. He thought about his dad's dark eyes and the speck of light blue in the corner of the left one. He'd always thought he had the coolest eyes, but now he thought his dad had the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen. That wasn't completely...normal, was it?

He thought about his dad's body, so different from his own. He worked out and drank protein shakes, all to build muscle. And it showed. His dad had defined biceps and pecs. His back and legs were muscular too, but none of it was too much. It was all just right. Aubrey felt like he'd been hit with a plank of wood.

His dad was hot. And perfect. From his perfectly proportioned body, to his scruffy face and bed head hair — he was beautiful. His cursing, his lack of religion, his jackass ways — all of it Aubrey loved. And all of it came together to form a perfect man. A perfect dad.

Holy shit. How did he not notice any of this before? He wasn't even gay! Could a person just be attracted to another person simply because of who they were?

He shook his head. Was that what was happening? Had Aubrey become too close to his dad and now he was confused? Maybe he shouldn't have slept in the same bed as him until he was so old. His dad had said it was weird.

He needed answers.

He pulled into the guest parking space in front of his dad's townhouse.

Getting out of the car, he decided answers was exactly what he was going to get.

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The house was quiet when Aubrey walked in. The lights were still on in the kitchen and the living room. Which meant his dad hadn't come downstairs.

Aubrey knew he was in his bedroom. Probably beating himself up over what had happened.

Aubrey wasn't going to let him do that. They needed to talk about this. They were going to talk about this.

He kicked off his American Eagle flip flops and bounded up the stairs. It was quiet up there too.

It was only a short hallway, all three doors lined up next to each other. First the bathroom — that Aubrey never used — second, his room, and third, his dad's room.

The dark wood floors creaked slightly under his feet. He stopped in front of his dad's closed door.

"Dad?" he called softly. He laid his palm on the surface of the dark door. "Dad? We need to talk."

No answer. His dad had never not responded to him. He was always there, for as long as he could remember, his dad had been there for him. This silence was the worse kind of rejection.

"Dad, please open up," his voice broke. He leaned his forehead against the door. "I need you," he whispered.

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I need you. Sterling couldn't ignore his boy. He'd never been able to ignore or stay away from him. Did that make him selfish? That even now, after all the fucked up shit, he still couldn't stay away? Especially when his boy pleaded for him like that.

Goddammit.

He stood up, his back aching from being hunched over and his ass numb.

Slowly, he turned to face the door. He took three deep breaths. He wasn't a coward, he'd never been a coward. This...whatever it was, needed to be fixed.

Cracking his neck side to side, he shook out his hands. He was the adult here. He could make this right. Aubrey didn't hate him; he'd come back after dropping the girl off, so that meant something. And he wanted to talk. His boy wasn't stupid. He knew something had happened in the laundry room.

Taking one more deep breath, he opened the door.

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Aubrey watched the bedroom door swing open. His dad stood on the other side, his hair messier than usual and his eyes tired.

"I'm sorry, kid," he croaked.

Aubrey immediately rushed to him. His dad let out a grunt as Aubrey hit his chest hard and wrapped his arms tightly around his waist. "You don't have anything to be sorry for," he said into his dad's black shirt.

His dad hugged him, and the weight of those arms against his back was familiar; comforting. Normal. How could anything be wrong with the way his dad loved him?

He lifted his head and stared into his dad's beautiful eyes. He'd never looked at his dad the way he was looking at him right then. It was like he was seeing him for the first time. He was so familiar, yet so unfamiliar at the same time. It was a weird ass thing that was happening, but Aubrey wasn't going to stop it. Because he trusted his dad more than anyone in the world. He loved no one like he loved him, and there was not a person he felt safer with then his dad.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he said quietly again.

His dad swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. "I do, Aubrey. I was out of line."

Aubrey didn't move, he was still wrapped up in his father's arms, his chin resting on his chest. "Out of line how? You didn't do anything wrong."

His gaze was fierce as he stared at Aubrey, those dark eyes shining with uncertainty and determination. "I almost did," he said softly. Aubrey caught the quick glance at his lips.

He wants to kiss me.

Those five words should freak him out. They should feel wrong, disgusting and perverted.

Yet...they didn't. They felt...like a long awaited puzzle piece finally finding its match.

Aubrey dropped his gaze to his dad's mouth. Those lips were pale pink, full, and perfect. And he wondered how he never noticed that before.

"Aubrey," his dad rasped. "What're you doing?"

"Looking."

"You need to stop looking." Aubrey watched his dad's lips form each word. "It's not normal. It's not right."

"Says who?"

"Says who?" He sounded angry now. "Fucking everybody." He pulled out of Aubrey's arms.

Pacing away, he tugged at his hair. "Aside from the fact that you're my son and that's goddamn incest, you're also sixteen and I could go to fucking jail." He paced around the bed in the middle of the room, and then in front of the dresser to the right of the bed; then in front of the bathroom door.

Aubrey watched him.

"And I'm you're fucking father!" he growled. "I'm supposed to take care of you. Not — not — fucking take advantage of you!" He banged his fist on the dresser, the mirror rattling. "I'm a sick fuck that needs help." He scrubbed his hands down his face. "A goddamn, sick motherfucker who —"

"Stop."Aubrey strode over to him and gripped his arms. He stared hard at his dad. "I will not let you say that shit about yourself."

His dad opened his mouth. "No," Aubrey said firmly. "Do you hear me? You are the most important person in my goddamn life." He squeezed his arms. "You're everything to me," his voice cracked. "I won't stand by and hear you say shit about yourself that's just not fucking true."

Aubrey wiggled his fingers on his dad's arms. He hardly ever used language like that, but he was pissed. Pissed that his dad would try to put all the blame on himself; pissed that his dad called himself a pervert, and pissed that they were trying to fight whatever the hell it was that was happening between them. He was scared shitless, yet his cock was hard at the same time.

His dad's eyes shone with unshed tears and that sight alone made Aubrey's eyes burn. He'd never seen his dad cry.

"I can't hurt you, baby," his dad whispered. His voice was wrecked. "You're everything to me too. You're the goddamn sun in my universe. And me?" He shrugged. "I'm just the stupid ass plant that rotates around the sun." He gave a watery chuckle. "What's the name of that planet? That tiny one that no one cares about?"

Aubrey chuckled too, a single tear sliding down his cheek. "Pluto. But I don't think it's classified as a planet anymore."

"Fucking hell, when did that happen?" His dad wiped the back of his hand across his own eyes.

"You're not a tiny planet that no one cares about," Aubrey said.

His dad tried to pull out of his grasp, but Aubrey wouldn't let him go.

When his dad was looking at him again, Aubrey made sure the truth of his words was in his gaze. He didn't want his dad to doubt any of it. "Because in my universe, you're my sun and I rotate around you."

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Godmotherfuckingdammit. What the hell was he supposed to say to that?

Nothing, you asshole. Because there was nothing he could say.

He grasped Aubrey's head between his hands. "You're one in a goddamn million you know that?" He rested his forehead against Aubrey’s. Those blue eyes were shiny and wide as Sterling stared into them. They were just as clear as the sky, no other color to fuck with the perfection of that blue. That was his boy — perfect in his own right.

"Don't push me away, Dad."

Sterling held his boy's head more firmly, his fingers slipping into the light brown strands. "I promise." He swallowed. "I won't."

Aubrey gave a soft smile. "Good. Now will you kiss me?"

Sterling rocked his forehead gently from side to side on Aubrey's forehead. "You better mean on the fucking head."

His boy's mouth curved upward. "You know I don't mean on the head."

Sterling gulped. "I know."

"Will you?" Aubrey whispered. The words rang loud in Sterling's ears.

"No, kid," he whispered back.

The air conditioning kicked on. A soft whirling sound flooded the room and cool air swirled around them.

"I'm asking you too." Aubrey blinked at him.

They were still so close. Too close. Those lips were only inches from Sterling's.

"I can't."

"You don't have to be afraid, Dad." Aubrey stepped closer, pressing their bodies together. Their bare feet overlapped; Aubrey's cold toes on top of Sterling's feet. Their chests and stomachs meshed together and their dicks...

Sterling tried not to groan at the sweet fucking pressure on his hard—as—nails dick. Jesus Christ. His boy was hard too.

"Aubrey," he muttered. "This isn't right."

His boy only closed his eyes and sighed. "I like being close to you, Dad."

"I like it too, but not...like this." He stepped back, his arms falling away and his body separating from his son's.

And why the fuck did he feel cold now?

"Aubrey," he said firmly. "I'm sorry for whatever the fuck I did to you in the laundry room." He glanced away. "It was twisted and wrong." He shifted his gaze back to his son. "And it's got you all twisted up inside."

Aubrey shook his head. "I'm not twisted up inside. It's like a light bulb went off in my head and now I see something that was right in front of me the whole time."

Sterling lowered his face as he shook his head. "No kid, you're confused." Goddamn, if Sterling believed in hell than he was sure he'd burn there for—fucking—ever.

Aubrey crossed his arms. "Okay Dad, fine, I'm confused. How 'bout you kiss me and help clear things up a bit."

Sterling scoffed. "Right. Because that's exactly what will clear things the hell up."

"One kiss," Aubrey insisted.

Sterling threw his hands out to his sides. "Why the fuck are you insisting on a goddamn kiss?!" he yelled. "Let it the fuck go."

"I can't," Aubrey yelled back. "Because when I went to kiss Tiffany all I could think about was my own dad's lips!" He spread his arms out. "So if you want to call anyone fucked up, call me that because I can't even touch another person now." He dropped his hands back to his sides, his chest heaving.

Sterling just stared at him.

You did this, you goddamn motherfucker. FIX IT.

Shit.

"You want a motherfuckin' kiss on the fucking mouth from your own fucking father?!" he shouted. Sterling was fucking pissed.

And goddamn horny.

You sick motherfucker.

"Yes!" Aubrey shouted right back. He stomped over to him. His chest brushed against his and Sterling shuddered.

Motherfucking hell.

"Kiss me, goddammit," Aubrey growled.

Sterling growled back. "You're a fucking weird ass kid asking your dad for a kiss."

He licked his bottom lip. "I thought I was perfect?"

"Weird ass is perfect."

They were still standing close, barely touching, their arms at their sides. Their breaths mingling in the space between them.

"You're perfect too, you know."

Sterling wished he could believe his son every time he told him that. But Sterling knew better; he was at the other end of perfect. While his boy was the fucking poster child for perfect.

"Weren't you the one who told me no one was perfect?"

Aubrey's gaze roamed all over his face, and Sterling found his eyes doing the same thing. That fucking flawless skin. Those fucking perfect eyes. That fucking button nose that he'd had since he was a baby.

"I changed my mind," Aubrey said. "Because you're perfect."

"Your mom would have something to say about that."

The corner of Aubrey's mouth kicked up. "Yeah, she would."

Slowly, he leaned forward, raising up on his tiptoes. Sterling felt his breath catch in his throat. Aubrey leaned closer, until his chest was pressed solidly against his. His boy's face drew closer, and Sterling stood frozen like a goddamn mannequin.

Aubrey's mouth hovered over his, the lips parted. Sterling opened his mouth to say...motherfucker he didn't even know what he was going to say.

"I think," Aubrey's words were breaths of air painted over Sterling's lips. "You should kiss me one time so we can both see what the hell is happening between us."

Motherfucking shit. His balls ached.

Pull away, pull away, pull away. His mind chanted.

The stupid bastard that he was stayed still.

Aubrey's mouth was right there now, at his lips. If Sterling breathed he would touch his boy's mouth. Nothing separated their bodies now. Aubrey's arms were clinging tightly to Sterling's back, and his hands were resting on his son’s sides.

So intimate. So inappropriate. So...right.

Which just showed what a fucking nutcase Sterling had become.

"Dad?"

He shivered as Aubrey's lips brushed over his with that one spoken word.

Fuck it.

He pressed his lips against his son’s .

It. Was. Fucking. Electrifying.

Holy—fucking—shit—goddammit.

He was kissing his son.

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