Chapter 2 - I did it [Republished]
He never spoke about babies, even in our first year of marriage he never opened this subject and I never dared to speak about it.
I assumed it was too early for him, although it was quite an age gap between us, twelve years to be exact. I was twenty-one, and he was thirty-three when we got married.
I strolled towards the bed and seated on the pregnancy test, without a sound, lying on my back and grabbing the plastic tube with my left hand, shoving it swiftly under the mattress.
His rough hands grabbing me and his scorn would be better than him finding out I was pregnant.
“Becca, I’ve asked you something and you know I don’t like to repeat myself,” he spoke coldly.
“I was just... I wanted to take a tablet. I am not feeling okay,” I mumble a response.
He studied me in disbelieve.
“You’ve got stocked hundreds of pills in that locker of yours and you never seem to get better. I don’t even know why you bother.”
I watch him walking towards the window, passing by my bed.
He was wearing sweatpants and a black t-shirt with long sleeves, wrapping his frame like a second skin, revealing how good looking he was.
I still shiver at his sight and lose myself in the frosty blue of his eyes, and I still savor his glares when the madness doesn’t take him over.
Sometimes, when his eyes would glare at me, wordless, seeking deep inside of my mind, I still expect that Lucas who adored me once was battling to free himself, insanely missing me, but later the wrath would break through and all magic and hope perish.
He wasn’t planning to leave to the office today or else he would be out already, looking irresistibly sexy in one of his fancy suits, fitting him so damn perfect.
As I see him closing the distance between us, my breathing fails me.
I knew he was reaching towards me and I felt my blood sucked out of my body, freezing in my spot.
Instincts are sharpening while I follow him with the glare of my eyes to predict his next move.
I used to be so frightened that one day he would hurt me with a jerk of his hand that fast that I wouldn’t have the time to save my life.
He glanced at me, stopping next to my bed, tall and straight, as straight and emotionless as his face was.
His blue eyes pierced mine for a few moments while my eyes widened in awe.
I haven’t seen him staring at me for that long since... never.
I sought to find a reason in his eyes, but there was nothing.
Blank. Dry. Empty.
Lucas raised his hand towards me, tilting his head, and with his fingers he swept a few strands of my hair.
I inhale sharp, in fear, closing my eyes. My muscles are tense and I can’t move, waiting for him to either fetch me and feast himself from my weaken body or just turn around and leave.
“What did you hide in there?” I hear him saying.
“Nothing!” I clarify fast, hoping it will be enough for him.
“Becca, you better tell me before I find out myself.”
Tears fall along my temples, lips are trembling and I know it’s totally not the proper moment, but I inhale deeply his bitter perfume, arching my nostrils, numbing my senses.
I know what that means. It means being locked inside the house for days, nobody to talk to, no phone around, no Lucas at home. It means just enough to push me over a cliff.
He gently brushed the tips of his finger on my temples, wiping the tears away. And if I didn’t know better, he could easily pass for a man in love, a man who cherished.
“I am so sorry,” I say.
And I really was. I never meant it to happen. I never wished for it.
I would have given everything and anything just to become invisible to him, vanish, disappear.
I would have done everything not to become the mother of his baby because that meant bonding us for a lifetime, and all I wished was to get out of this marriage.
I sit up and shove my hand under the mattress and with a tremble of my hand I take the pregnancy test out and hand it to him.
I kept my head down as I could not face him.
I couldn’t bear anymore to look at the loathing in those eyes that used to smile and stare at me with affection, which darken when I was placing my palms flat on his bare chest, which frowned when my cores clenched around his shaft, making love way too often.
My muscles stiffed, and I got ready for his wrath like every time he was around and he had a reason to get furious. Being angry was his usual state.
He quickly grabs the pregnancy test from my hand and the surrounding tension becomes heavy and suffocating.
“Becca, you cannot be pregnant!” he murmured in a soft voice, softer than I expected.
It encouraged me to raise my eyes to him and stare at his splendid, confused face.
I knew he didn’t want it. Maybe he also wanted out from whatever weird marriage we came to have.
“I know I cannot be, but I am. And I do not know how it has happened. I am on pills for years now. I never missed it. NEVER!” I was shouting, angry with myself for letting this happen.
He kept gawking at the test, eyebrows frowned.
“Shut up! Let me think,” he hissed, turning his back to me and running a hand through his hair.
He gripped the pregnancy test with his long fingers, burying it in his huge palm... protectively?
It felt protective. I could swear it was.
I frowned, staring at his back as he glares out on the window into the depth of the scenery outside. This was exactly the opposite of what I expected.
I expected him to be furious and take all his anger on me. Fuck! I even thought about killing myself.
Silence heaves as none of us dares to speak. He opened his fist and looked one more time to the little messenger of what I thought would be my end.
“Are you sure? Sometimes these things don’t work,” his voice quivered.
Words were rolling out on his lips and they became soft and worried, as if he wished the test wouldn’t lie.
Who is this man in front of me? No, something was off about him today.
Lucas that I knew would have turned the house upside down and buried me in it.
“It is the third one I am taking,” I say.
“Fuck!” he murmured but the curse lost its meaning on his lips. He seemed delighted as his lips curved up in a grin that I could see on his face reflected in the window.
My mind refused to admit it. Lucas was not capable of emotions anymore. Not good ones, at least.
“Fuck it, Becca! We need to...” he shouts too strong for the silence in the room which becomes suddenly uneasy.
There we go! Now I can see the real Lucas coming through.
I stood up on my feet, walking towards the bathroom door where I knew I could hide if I was fast enough.
“Don’t worry. I don’t want it either. I’m going to have an abortion,” I rushed to say in a serious tone, chocked with dread but fairly loud to make sure he heard me.
He jerked his head to where my voice came from.
His blue eyes darkened so much that one could not make any difference between his black hair and the dilated pupils.
“What did you say?” he hollered back at me.
He moved menacing towards me as I gripped the bathroom doorknob and shut it quickly, locking myself inside.
“What the fuck did you say?!” he roared again.
He tried to open the door, twisting the doorknob a few times then pulling it, trying to break it down.
“Becca, open the door!”
“It’s Rebecca for you from now on! And no. I will not open unless you prefer me dead, here and now,” I yelled and grabbed the Xanax bottle from under the sink where it fell earlier.
“Becca, don’t fuck with me! You know very well I can break down this door in a blink. Open the fucking door!”
Yes, I knew he could break it down in a blink. There had been no door in the house in one piece every time I would run away, hiding, locking myself in any adjacent room I could find.
And with that thought in my mind, I opened the bottle of Xanax and swallowed full hands of tablets, struggling to finish it before he bursted in.
As I’ve pushed the last pills down my throat gulping water to force them down to my stomach, I see the door flying opened and a fuming Lucas, standing in the door’s frame and watching me drinking the last drops of water.
I wipe the water from my lips with the back of my hand, full of content for succeeding.
His eyes shifted to the empty bottle next to my feet and widened, ready to gouge out in awe.
I laughed at him, mockingly.
I made it.
Now it will all finish.
I will finally rest forever and end this nightmare. It only requires ten minutes more for the pills to get into my system before he forces me to throw up all the pills I’ve taken.
I was laughing and laughing, challenging him, having nothing to lose.
What would be the worst to happen? Split my head in two? Wasn’t this what I wished for?
“See Lucas, I wanted to leave you quietly, but you had never let me go. I knew I would find a way around it one day. It looks like that day is today,” I said with a radiant smile on my face, embracing my fate.
“Becca, what the hell did you do?” he said, grabbing the bottle from the floor and tossing it in his sweatpants’ pocket.
I took advantage of him bending for the bottle of pills and jumped out of the bathroom. I was running as fast as my legs could carry me out of the bathroom and through the bedroom door towards the gym in the basement.
That was the place with the strongest structure, and I knew it would take Lucas time to break down the door.
Definetely more than ten minutes.
My feet were slapping the cold tiles of the hallway then the dinning and on my way, I hit the corner of the kitchen island with my left hip.
Falling with a groan of pain on the cold kitchen floor, I look back and see Lucas rushing down the stairs, closing the distance between us.
I crawled on the floor as if my death depended on it and launched myself on the stairs leading to the basement.
“Becca, stop!” I hear him yelling and running after me, calling my name.
With my last strength, I stood up on my feet, barging in the gym and locking the door behind me.
I did it.
I was here.
Seconds afterward, the door shook with Lucas pulling and banging.
I jerked and rushed to the other side of the gym, hiding between the fitness equipment.
My vision was already darkening. Sweat was running down my back and my hands were trembling constantly.
I was so close to my target. I knew I delayed Lucas long enough to let the pills to flow through my veins.
I could feel it.
The noise of the door being pulled faded and I heard a gunshot that I didn’t even care about as I was sliding on the floor, wishing the darkness would embrace me soon enough before Lucas would make it to me.
And it did. But no sooner than seeing a worried Lucas throwing himself on the floor, hovering above me while he was calling out my name with dread in his eyes.
“Becca! Becca, what the fuck?! Don’t close your eyes! Stay with me, Becca! Stay with me, baby! Don’t you dare to close those eyes! Becca!”
And my eyes did not close. I had them fixed on his charming but horrified face and I almost felt sorry that I couldn’t speak.
That Lucas in front of me was the one I loved, the one that loved me back, the one I thought I had lost two years ago.
But then again, I was dying.
Maybe my eyes were playing me, while my life was ending.
I could only mouth his name, trying to lift my hand and touch his face but never reaching it.
I blacked out. Or, hopefully, I died.
“Distance will tell you the real meaning of closeness.”