Chapter 26 - If you love me, wake up and find me [Republished]
I crashed over her back, still buried deep inside of her, consumed and worried at the same time.
I wrapped my arms around her flabby body and let myself slide on the floor taking her with me, caging her in my arms and lose myself from her throbbing cores. I rocked her body lightly while peppering kisses on her face and forehead, begging she would stop crying.
I wanted her to smile. I wanted her to feel happiness and joy. I wanted to fill with love all the gaps she had in her heart and instead I got sorrow and tears.
I felt bad, I felt guilty for all the pain she was sweating through her shattering sobs she was having right now.
I held her strongly in my arms till she came down from her cries, right there, on the floor, with our legs knitted together and the tighter I was holding her, deeper I wanted her in my hold, if that could have been even possible.
She stayed there, molded to my chest, glued to my skin and I wished this moment never ended but I stood up and carried her in my room, laying her on the bed.
She rolled on one side, facing her back to me as I sat on the bed myself.
“Becks...” I tried to speak.
“Thank you, Enzo, but please... I want to be alone...” she replied without looking at me.
“Becks, for Christ’s sake, stop pushing me away,” I pleaded.
“This is not going to heal you. It is not going to make you feel better. Sex never makes you feel better. I want to be there for you, I want to be part of your life, I want you to let me love you, Becks!” I said, my voice gradually raising in despair.
I had to tell her, one way or another, she had to know how I felt, or I would have exploded in frustration if I didn’t tell her.
I was not going to chicken out, not again, not with her.
She turned around and faced me with eyes filled with tears and horror as if I asked her heart on a plate.
“Love me?! What the fuck are you talking about, Enzo? What love? Love what? A fucking broken wreaked woman? And since when love involves trading? Since when you buy people to love them? You are all the same, all the same! You think that by giving back something you can find love? Well, breaking fucking news, Enzo! I hate being traded! I hate being taken as an object and then wrapped up in shitty love words. I’m sick and tired feeling in debt for the love I receive. Leave! I want to be alone!” she shouted breathlessly.
There it was! The healing I was waiting for. The release of pain and frustration that will eventually bring her the freedom I so much wished for.
I was not angry at her for shouting like this. I was happy. I was so damn happy because this outburst and these words where the first steps to a new, reborn Rebecca.
I grabbed her upper arms holding her tight and crashed my lips on hers, forcing her to kiss me back while she struggled like a fish out of the water, but I didn’t lose my grip.
I loved her even more. Yes, I loved her, I fell for her head over heels from the first moment I laid my eyes on her.
And yes, I knew she would not love me back, but I couldn’t just hold back everything I felt for her.
She needed love, she needed all the love that someone could give, and I was decided to give her just that.
Her struggle was replaced with moans of pleasure when my mouth went down her neck and she grabbed full hands of my hair. Oh, how I loved that!
I leaned her on her back, placing her gently on the bed. Before hovering over her body, I removed my shirt, rolling it over my head and bending back over her, grabbing her lips in a tender, sweet kiss that she responded to immediately.
I broke our kiss raising my head a few inches away her face just to allow her to taste that kiss as she was patiently waiting for me back, with her eyes closed.
I could never have enough of watching her and I was lost in that heavenly beauty.
I was lost for her and lost for my love that I knew wouldn’t be responded. But I was okay with it. I would grab whatever little was given.
“I know, Becks,” I said when tears rolled out of her eyes, down on her temples.
“I am so sorry, Enzo. I know I am hurting you,” she replied sobbing and opening her big eyes, staring at me.
“Shh, that’s okay. Come here,” I said and held her in my arms, doing the best I could to give her warmth and tenderness with that hug, but she pinned her hands in my chest, refusing to break our stare at each other. “You have a lot of tears to shed, baby girl. It will rip you apart, but I will be there, I promise. You will eventually be alright. You will be a whole again. You are stronger than you think, Rebecca.”
She was watching me as I was saying those words and I knew deep inside of her those words were building the walls of her strength, brick by brick.
Her arms curled around my neck and our faces got inches away, feeling each other’s breath fanning our skin.
A small smile showed on her face and with one hand she was started playing with my hair while her eyes were rolling on my face as if sucking in each curve, each wrinkle, each line.
God! How much I Ioved her doing that. How much her awareness of my existence was nourishing my love for her and my alpha ego as well .
“I don’t deserve you, Enzo,” she whispered.
“Oh, you do. You deserve much more, Becks. I have my own ghosts in the locker, my own past that I’ve had to be in peace with and I know having someone there to be your strength it’s exactly what it takes. I want to be that someone for you. It will be my own redemption.”
I kissed her again.
She sat herself into my lap, her legs spread on each side of my waist as I was now sitting on the bed and welcomed her back in my arms, and she kissed me again. And again.
I could feel her folds on the tip of my hard and it twitched, damn idiot!
I had to let her go. I pushed her on her back and let her lay on the bed, covering her with a bedsheet.
It felt as if she was kissing me like she owed me something.
She didn’t. And I had to stop her. I want her to kiss me because she feels to kiss me not because she feels she owes me.
I placed one more kiss on her forehead and stood up.
“Be ready tomorrow by 8am. I am going to take you to Lucas,” I said looking down at her before leaving the room as I planned. I had to get out of that room or else...
She smiled and gathered the bedsheet under her chin like a small kid preparing to sleep.
“Good night, Enzo,” she said.
“Good night, Becks,” I replied and left the room collecting my shirt from the floor and putting it on just like I took it off.
I went down to the kitchen and grabbed my pants, dressing them on as well.
This night has been too damn intense.
I rubbed my hands over my face and run my fingers through my hair while sitting on the sofa.
There was still a lot to do for my traveling but before anything I had a promise to keep. I pulled out my phone and called Carlos.
“Hey, Carlos, I know it’s late, man, but I need your help,” I tell him when the line was on.
“Anything, Enzo. Tell me.”
“Tomorrow morning I’m going take Becks to see her husband.”
My eyes fell on the divorce documents laying still on the dining table.
“I want nobody around. I want just Becks and him to be there. Can you do that for me?”
“Sure thing, Enzo. Don’t worry about it.”
“Thanks, man. I owe you one.”
“Don’t mention it. Good night.”
“Night, Carlos,” I ended the call with him just to make new ones, asking the maid and the driver come over tomorrow morning to help packing.
It wasn’t much to pack, I literally had everything I needed back in Italy, just as I left it.
But there were some papers and files that needed to be taken with me. Then I made a mental note that after the visit to the hospital I would take Becks for shopping.
Anything she wanted.
After cleaning myself up in the bathroom I finally went back to the living fixing myself a glass of whiskey and crashing on the sofa but before I was done with the booze I fell asleep. I was beat.
I woke up the next day incredibly early and fresh although it took me a while to fall asleep after the shower and in spite of falling asleep with Lucas in my mind and that’s how I woke up. I couldn’t wait to see him.
I wished so much he was out of his coma and getting better but on another side, a part of me was wishing he wasn’t, so I could have the chance to kiss his lips one more time and smell the scent of his skin, to take them with me forever.
I was done and ready with the morning shower, getting dressed, a light natural make-up and rushed downstairs to prepare some breakfast and coffee for me and Enzo but reaching the living room I saw Enzo crashed on the sofa, his right arm stretched out and a glass fallen below.
His left leg was resting on the sofa while the right one was bent and pinned on the floor. He had the peaceful face of a five-year-old kid, sleeping.
I walked slowly to the side of the sofa and sat next to him. I grabbed his right hand, pulling it slowly towards me and with my other hand I brush gently some strokes on the soft skin of his face, bending and kissing his forehead.
“Hey, wake up, sleepy head,” I whispered to him and he stirred in his sleep.
After a few more kisses his eyes opened and bore startled into my own.
“Damn, what time is it?” he asked anxiously.
“Don’t worry, it’s not late. I woke up early to have some breakfast done before we leave,” I calmed him down.
He raised and sat next to me, rubbing his eyes to push the sleep away and stretching his arms towards the ceiling to straighten his bones, showing evident discomfort of the sofa he slept on.
“Why did you sleep in here? You could have taken my room,” I scolded him as I was afraid he chose the sofa because I took his room.
“No, no. I just fell asleep here, that’s all. I still had some calls to make last night and I think was too lazy or drained to go upstairs,” he said and reached my face, arranging some of my rebel strands of hair. “How did you sleep?” he asked smiling, looking straight into my eyes.
“Good, I slept exceptionally good. Thank you,” I reply and then an awkward silence has set between us as we are staring at each other. “Listen, I need to apologize for last night. I was... not myself,” I told him shifting my eyes to the floor.
It was hard to face him, I was too embarrassed for my behavior.
“No, you don’t need to. It’s fine, better than fine. I wished I could say we both enjoyed it, but I am afraid I have only hurt you, so...”
It was so weird sitting next to each other after what happened last night.
I was embarrassed because I’d used him, and he knew that.
Luckily or because he was such a smart guy, Enzo changed the subject and saved me.
“So, this evening we are having a flight to Italy. We do have some time till then so after we are done with the hospital maybe I can take you for some shopping. What do you think?”
I felt a bit hurt. He referred to Lucas so coldly as ”finishing with the hospital“.
That damn hospital had my whole life in there, it held my heart and my mind, and it was painful to hear someone expressing so distantly about it.
But then again, it wasn’t Enzo’s matter, it was mine and mine alone, so I let the thought pass.
It was going to be the last time to see Lucas, after all.
I was going to leave with Enzo in such a far place where maybe, just maybe I could be a new woman with the chance to a new life, but I knew that my heart would always stay with Lucas, no matter how far or how close we were from each other.
“Well then, let’s have breakfast and we leave right after. Seems it’s gonna be a long day,” I said and standing up I walked to the kitchen to pick the ingredients out of the fridge. “On another hand, you mister, are in a deep need of a shower. Just how much whiskey you had last night?” I amusingly admonish him while he stands up, all smiles, coming closer to me. He wraps his arms around me placing a kiss on the back of my head.
He smelled of wild lavender and cinnamon oil with just a hint of whiskey that you could barely sense.
He damn knew he smelled good and I was just teasing him.
“On another hand you smell of field flowers. I love it,” he said and before I had the chance to mock him some more, he leaves for his room to have that shower.
When he was back, I placed the plate of food in front of him and sat across the kitchen island and watched him eating.
He glared at me confused, peeking through his eyelashes.
“Did you eat, Becks?” he questioned.
“Yes, I did. I was done before you finished the shower,” I lied.
“Are you sure? Because my shower was just 5-7 minutes.”
“Will you stop with that?”
He is pissing me off with this.
I don’t want to eat. I don’t feel to eat.
“I ate as much as I need and what I need! Now can we be done with yours as well so we can leave?”
I wanted to make it clear to him that I didn’t want to much of a nagging.
In truth, there were almost 24h since my last meal but I seriously didn’t feel to shove anything into my stomach.
“Whatever sails your boat, Becks,” he said and stood up, dropping the cutlery on the table and abandoning his unfinished breakfast.
I sighed and felt sorry for my outburst.
“Enzo...” I called him but he ignored me and left for his room just to come back a few minutes later already dressed up in one of his expensive Italian suits, looking ravishingly handsome.
“Shall we?” he told me, and I stood up, grabbing my purse and following him to the car.
I felt my heart throbbing in my stomach. We were on the way to the hospital, Enzo concentrated on the road, me glaring outside, on the window.
There was a heavy silence between us, and I preferred to ignore him every time he would steal a glare at me.
Why couldn’t he understand today was important for me? Why couldn’t he just let me have it the way I could?
The only man I’ve ever loved and still love is lying down in a damn hospital bed for days, lifeless, having no insurance to ever be recover.
He was half dead because of me, trying to save me. I was going to see him for the last time and then travel with Enzo to the damn Italy. Wasn’t it enough for him?
Lucas’ bloody face flashed in front of my eyes, his icy, blue eyes staring frozen at me while I was running away, encouraging me to save myself.
I left him there, laying in the pool of his own blood, on the cold ground.
My sight blurs with tears rolling down my cheeks and I sob silently.
I didn’t even notice when the car stopped in front of the hospital’s entrance.
Enzo held my hand and turned my face towards him, wiping away my tears.
“Becks, you can do this. You are strong. And I will be right outside of the room if you need me,” he told me with his usual warm voice.
“Thank you,” I replied grateful.
He got out of the car and coming to my side he opened the door for me and offered his hand to help me get out too.
As we entered the hospital I saw Carlos waiting.
Him and Enzo nodded to each other and Carlos showed us the way.
We walked on some corridors till Carlos stopped in front of a door.
“This is it,” he said, and I froze in my spot.
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t see Lucas with my own eyes lying lifeless on that hospital bed, not the Lucas I know, the always strong and untouchable Lucas.
I was afraid I would crash on his chest and never be able to leave from there, hoping I would die and never reach the day when he wouldn’t breathe anymore.
I feel my hand lifted and Enzo places and kiss on my knuckles and then squeezes it, encouraging me.
“I will be right here, Becks. Go on,” he says.
I breathe deep and walk to the door, grabbing the door knob and pushing it opened.
The room is lit in a warm light and on the hospital bed there was Lucas, all sort of tubes connecting him to devices, some flashing, others beeping.
Next to his bed there is a nurse standing, taking his vitals. When she hears the door opening, she turns towards me.
“Excuse me ma’am, but you cannot be in here. Are you family?” she has the audacity to ask which infuriates me to impossible limits but I hold back my anger.
“I am his wife,” I say sharply. “Please, leave us alone.”
She collects her tools and exists the room without me even bothering to answer to her greetings.
I am left alone with Lucas in this fearful room that feels void. My breath starts heaving and I clench my fists while tears form in my eyes.
“You can do this, Becca,” I tell myself and walk towards him.
I pull one of the chairs closer to the bed and sit, watching Lucas and relaxing bit by bit feeling the heat of his skin when I grab his hand.
His mere presence, even in this deep sleep, still has the same effect on me.
I feel safe and breathing the same air with him feels I am exactly where I am supposed to be, not an inch further.
I hold his hand in my own. His face is so peaceful, though he looks weak, pale and a few good pounds thinner.
They say people in coma can hear whatever happens around them so I decide to talk out loud.
I bend over him and I fill my nostrils with his scent.
I like the way he is being taken care of. He is freshly shaved, his hair combed and clean sheets covering him from the waist down. I smell his usual perfume, bitter wood and tobacco. I love it.
“Hi, love,” I whisper in his left ear and place a kiss on his cheek. “I missed you, love,” I sob. I can’t stop crying and I don’t even want to.
I squeeze his hand in the hope he feels it.
“I am going to go, Lucas. I am going far. This is the price I will pay because I brought you here. It is my turn to keep you safe, my love. Please live, Lucas, wake up and live. For me... ” my voice fades in the midst of my sobs.
“And love... if you love me, wake up and find me...”
"Different doesn't mean wrong."