Chapter 30 - Let me take you out tonight [Republished]
I ran to Becks’ room, opening the door with an unbelievable force and when I saw her, still sleeping on the bed, or rather laying fainted, my heart clenched in a void pain in my chest.
Shit, I hope she is only fainted.
I pull away the sheets and blankets and roll her body towards me.
Her skin is milk white and cold like ice, lips blue, lifeless.
“Rebecca! Rebecca, wake up! Come on, wake up!” I shake her strongly, kneeled on the bed next to her and hovering above.
I lower my ear to her lips, and I sense a slight breath, which tells me she alive.
“Becks! Wake up, baby! Come on!” I shake her body stronger, raising my voice and lifting her from the bed while her head falls sluggish on the back.
Feli shows up in the room and I can see her worried face as she grabs Becks’ feet, rubbing them fervently to warm her skin.
"Cazzo, she is not waking up, Feli, she is not waking up!” I become anxious and I almost feel like slapping her, but I can’t do it. Something is pulling me back. (Fuck!)
God damnit, I’m weak! I can never hurt a woman.
No, I can never hurt Becks.
As if Feli reads my mind she slaps Becks strongly on her face, shouting her name at the same time.
I know she has seen worse in her life.
“Rebecca, wake up, girl!” she keeps shouting.
I am terrified to my bones. Why the fuck did she do this?
I should have never left her alone on our first day in Italy. What the hell was I thinking?
I grab strongly Rebecca’s chin and jiggle her head gentle but strong enough to wake up any sleeping living thing.
Her floppy body almost slides off my hold, heavy and cold.
“I’ll call the doctor. Enzo, take her to the shower, make it warm enough to raise her body temperature a bit,” Feli says and walks out of the room.
Not giving up yet, I lift her upper half and touch her forehead with my lips. She was still cold.
Her mouth is now opened, and I brush her blue lips with my own, as if trying to blow some fucking life into her.
To my surprise I feel her hand moving, poking my hip and she moans weakly, giving signs to wake up.
“Becks, God, can you hear me? Becks, open your eyes, look at me,” I demand but she jerks her body trying to get lose from my grip and turn on the other side to continue sleeping.
“God damn it, Becks! What the fuck did you do?” I scold her in a whisper and lifting her in my arms I run to the shower, pinning her feet on the floor and leaning her against the shower wall.
She is not fully awake as her body twists and bends like jelly but when the water hits her face she wakes up with a frightful groan as if coming back to life speaking something which I don’t understand and I don’t even give a fuck to understand.
I only care that she is awake and breathing. She opens her big eyes, assessing her surroundings.
“Enzo, what the hell...,” she says finally, trying to get away from me and exit the shower.
“Don’t move, Rebecca! Don’t fucking move! Don’t move, don’t breathe, don’t fucking blink! You’ve done enough!” I shout pushing her back to the wall so firmly that she gives up all attitude and temper and stares back at me.
My eyes are fixed on her green ones, getting lost myself again in their depth and thousands of thoughts cross my mind, the worst one being never to see those beautiful eyes again.
She is breathing heavily, her chest lifting and lowering waiting me to say something, but I am short of words.
I chose not to say anything, I was way too pissed with her to be able to speak properly without shouting and spitting venom, so in change I started removing her wet clothes and help her wash, knowing that the doctor would arrive soon and I wanted Becks ready for her visit.
She didn’t protest to anything I did so I got encouraged, leaving her completely naked in front of me, grabbing the shampoo to wash her hair.
I leaned her against my chest and slightly pushed her head back to protect her eyes from the foam in her hair.
Not kissing her and having her right there between my arms was the hardest thing I did in the past years.
I was aching for her like a fucking teenager and the maximum I could do was brushing my lips on her forehead and temples while washing her and let me tell you, it didn’t help a bit.
I rinsed her hair well while her chin was resting on my right shoulder.
Her body was gradually recovering to the normal temperature and that put me at ease a bit.
The fear I felt today brought painful memories back into my heart and I groaned deeply, clenching my jaws.
“Enzo, I never wanted to...,” she whispered but I wasn’t ready just yet.
“I don’t want to talk about it now, Becks,” I told her with still clenched jaws.
I rubbed the shower gel on her body, not caring I was drenched wet myself.
She was still very weak, her legs gave in a few times and she lifted her arms, holding herself on my shoulders and soon I felt them wrapped around my neck.
I placed a kiss on her head and curled my own arms around her feeble body, squeezing and burying her further to my chest.
I couldn’t believe I was inches away from failing again.
“What the hell were you thinking, Becks?” I whispered, not really expecting an answer.
I blamed myself for my earlier behavior, I blamed myself for not staying home with her and for giving in too easily to her swinging moods.
“I wasn’t really trying anything, Enzo, I promise. I couldn’t sleep and I took two more of my sleeping pills, that’s all. It was just a very deep sleep, nothing more,” she explained herself and I knew I still had a lot to learn about my Becks.
I didn’t say anything, just pulled her out of my hug and reached a towel to dry her skin and another one for her hair. At least she didn’t try to kill herself. I was somehow relieved.
Seconds after she put on the night gown, Feli knocked on the door, bringing the doctor in.
“Rebecca, thanks’ God,” my sister said and pulled Rebecca into a hug. “You gave us quite a scare, honey,” she continued brushing away the rebel hair from Rebecca’s face. “Doctor Giovanna is here. She will make sure you are okay,” Feli completed and lead Becks to her bed.
There were already clean and new bed sheets spread over the bed and the smell of oxygen coming from them, having them dried out at the fresh air, like we always do in Italy, reminded me of Vivi and my heart shattered.
Standing numb in the middle of the room I see Vivi pacing around, wearing her white nightgown, so much see-through that I can see perfectly her curves in all the right places, lightened by the sun coming from her left side and when she turns her beautiful face and sees me, her eyes soften with an angelic smile as she mouths to me ′Ti amo.′
My fists clenched and I feel sweat forming on my forehead, staring at the shape of Vivi in front of me.
I know it cannot be her, I know that, but her sight gives me so much peace and pain at the same time, making me feel alive and I wished she never disappeared again, ghostly appearance or not.
“Enzo... Enzo, come, let’s wait outside,” I hear Feli telling me while a grip held my arm.
I slowly turn my face to where the voice came from and I see my sister staring at me, as if waiting something from me.
I turn my head back and Vivi is no longer in the room.
Instead, Becks lays on the bed, face up, staring at the ceiling and giving time to Doctor Giovanna to prepare for her check-up.
She is quiet, obedient and I feel the need to let her know she is not alone.
Breathing deep she rolls her irises around the room and then to me, sensing I am closing in.
She looks worried but still a small smile creeps in a corner of her plump lips when she meets my eyes.
“You will be fine, Becks. And I will be just outside. I won’t let anything happen to you. Do you understand me?” I tell her, bent over her with my hands scooping each side of her face and placing a kiss on the forehead. “I won’t mess it up this time, Becks,” I whisper one last time and I turn around leaving the room to give space to Giovanna.
“I am going to make myself a coffee. Do you want one, Enzo?” Feli is asking me once we are outside and before I follow her downstairs.
“I need to change first,” I reply. “I’ll be down with you in a minute.”
I didn’t waste much time
changing my clothes, going downstairs a few minutes later, because I didn’t want to miss talking with the doctor and find out what happened to Becks. I was worried, I was freaking out thinking that she might have tried to take her own life while she was in my home, while she was with me. I promised to protect her, I promised her so much and now I was afraid that I failed again.
I found Feli standing in the kitchen, leaned against the kitchen island. I know her so well and right now her eyes scold me, and I read in her look that she has things to say. And I know what she wants to say.
“I am not confusing Becks with her, Feli,” I get straight to the point while sitting on a stool next to where she is standing.
I remember how hard Feli worked with me to pull me out from the black hole I fell after Vivi was no more and I was sure her first worry right now was that Becks would take Vivi’s place.
“Aren’t you now?” she says in doubt. “Vincenzo, nothing would make me happier but to know that you finally found someone good for you but...”
“Papa called you, didn’t he?” I interrupt her, locking my eyes with hers, holding high our stare.
“No. Salvatore called me.”
"Cazzo!" I hiss.
I could only imagine the things Salvatore told her.
“I know Salvatore too well. He would have just used Becks before throwing her away. And I will not let anybody... anybody do that to Becks. As long as she decides to stay with me, she is mine to protect.”
“Enzo, I know what happened and I am not talking about Salvatore. I am talking about her husband.”
“She gave me her divorce papers. I already had my lawyers sent him the papers.”
“Does she love you, Enzo?” Feli is asking me bluntly and I know the answer so well.
“Not yet,” I reply avoiding my sister’s eyes this time.
“Will she ever?”
"Non lo so, Feli! Non lo so!" I shout furiously and bothered by the coming questions I’ve asked myself so many times and I also know the fucking answers. ”Non me ne frega un cazzo se mi ama o no, se mi amera o no. Lei vuole stare con me in questo momento, la tratto bene e forse mi amera, forse non lo fara, ma devo provarci, Feli. La amo. Le darei migliaia di possibilita purche rimanga volentieri con me." I spit in one breath and I really hope I’ve made things clear enough to her or anybody else who wants to stick their nose in my business. (I don’t give a fuck if she loves me or not. If she will love me or not. She wants to be with me right now, I treat her good and maybe she will love me, maybe she will not, but I have to give it a chance, Feli. I love her. I would give her thousands chances as long as she willingly stays with me).
Felicia stares back at me and waits for me to be done with my whole uttering and rattling and I suddenly lose my interest for the coffee or talking.
Standing up from the stool I walk to the stairs where I meet Giovanna as she seems to be done with Becks.
“Enzo,” I hear my sister calling my name, but she stops when she sees the doctor as well.
“Giovanna, already done?” Feli says coming closer.
“Yes, it was nothing serious, Vincenzo,” she answers to me as I was surely looking more desperate than my sister, waiting to be told what was going on.
“What about the pills she took...” I ask.
“The doze she took was too little. If she ever tried anything. I know what you mean. I am sure she didn’t try it, Enzo. She just went too far within a double dose because she couldn’t sleep. And I doubt a woman like her doesn’t know how much she needs to take in case she wants to harm herself. Nothing to worry about. Last night was not the case. I already gave her something to reduce the effect of the sleeping pills, but she will still need to rest,” Giovanna finally says.
Hearing her words feels like some joy blooming in my chest and I jump into hugging her.
We are friends since we became aware of our existence, our families have been close for many years and I trust Giovanna.
"Grazie, Giovanna,” I finally tell her, and I kiss her forehead before running upstairs to Becks. (Thank you).
Reaching to her door I try my best to hide my joy and I become coldly serious again, as I want her to know that she is not allowed to harm herself, willingly or not.
She needs to start loving herself and I am going to make her do that.
I knock twice and I open without waiting a reply.
I see her sitting on the bed’s edge, buttoning up her nightgown.
Her head snaps up when the door opens and upon seeing me a wide smile spreads on her face.
She stands up, reaching her arms to me and I grab her hands, pulling her into a strong hug.
Well, so much for my playing tough! She just melted my heart with that gorgeous smile.
“Hey,” she whispers, face leaned against my chest.
“Hey yourself,” I reply and hold her tighter.
“She said I was okay. All is good and she also thinks that pretty soon, due to change of environment and climate I will be able to sleep without pills,” Becks tells me, not breaking our hug.
“That’s amazing news, Becks,” I tell her back and yes, I am really happy to hear it, but my mind is being flooded with thoughts of anticipation of how many more obstacles we will have to get over before we are both fine.
“We should celebrate. What do you think?” I ask her.
“What do you have in mind?” she says lifting her eyes to mine.
“Let me take you out tonight,” I tell her, closing my lips to hers without touching them, though.
I am just absorbing and drinking the heat of her breath, feeding my desire for her, mesmerized by her beauty.
"Flowers need time to bloom."