Chapter 44 - I will always belong to him [Republished]
Oh God, how much I missed that voice!
I look at him standing proudly in the door's frame, with a light smile on his face, soft hair falling silk-like on his forehead and dimming his black round eyes.
"Enzo...," I whisper and run towards him while he stretches his arms to welcome me like one does to a lively child running for a hug.
I shrink to his chest and let him wrap me in a tender hold.
"I missed you," I say, sinking into his sheltering arms.
"I missed you more, Becks," he replies, planting a kiss on the crown of my head. "Mike was right. You do look like a mess," he smirks boyishly and lifts my head with a finger under my chin. "Whatever made you care so little about yourself, either doesn't worth it or needs to be fixed."
"I want to go back. Back to Italy," I mutter between tears.
"But you are needed here, Becks. You need to take back what is yours and start living."
But I can't live without him, I wanted to say. My life has no meaning without Lucas, but as long as Marciano and Salvatore thing was not solved, I could not have him. This was the truth I needed to accept.
I thought I could do it. I thought I could move on and rebuild my life, but every fucking thing I was planning was forcing me one way or another back to him.
"Becks, you move that pretty ass of yours in the shower right now, you get yourself sexy in one of your bathing suits and we will spend some quality time together. What do you say?" Enzo smiles down at me, cupping my cheeks and wiping the persistent tears away with a stroke of his thumbs.
He was a good friend, the best I ever had.
I could never go through without his unconditional support and knowing he had other reasons than mine, and being unable to give him back the same passions he had for me, made me feel useless in a way.
Every moment passing by, I was more assured that I would always belong to Lucas and no one else.
I knew my heart would forever belong to him, whether we were close or far, and now that I knew he was alive, that belonging was growing.
I couldn't go back, I couldn't risk his life before I dealt with Salvatore. How? I had no idea yet.
I still didn't know the intentions of Salvatore and Marciano Benito if they were to find out I was back. And I needed Lucas as far away from me as possible till I confronted the father and brother of Enzo. And that had to be done without Enzo in the picture. I would never dig a chasm between them. They were family. I should do this alone.
But not right now. Now was not the time for it. Now was the time of my wounds to be mended, and Enzo was the medicine. I wished I could go back to Italy with him, my broken heart needed that, and if he agreed, I would pack my things right now and leave straight to Napoli. But he knew better. I knew better, but I was still too weak to fully accept it.
I smiled back at him, nodding my head and before turning around towards the bathroom and did as I was told, I pecked a kiss on Enzo's cheek.
"Will you stay with me?" I asked him, hoping he would say yes.
"Of course, tesoro," he said, and his eyes sparkled on his kind face, making my heart swelling and my smile widening.
As promised, we spent the day around the pool, chatting, dozing off, catching up with news from back in Italy and sharing with him my business plans.
I didn't tell him about the involvement of Lucas in my business because I was planning to take him out as soon as I am back to NY.
I needed to take him out, so I could be on my own, although what I wanted most was his protection.
He was always fixing things, always making them right, but this time I was determined to do them by myself.
Spending the day with Enzo was relaxing, soothing. His pampering was mending my shattered heart, but I had a constant feeling of someone watching me.
When we were sitting in silence at the pool, I kept looking around, scanning the surroundings, as the feeling of being watched was constantly present, making me feel anxious and yet not afraid.
"What is it, tesoro?" Enzo asked me, laying on his sunbed with his face covered by a straw hat. He didn't even need to look at me to feel me restless.
"Nothing... just... maybe a little tired," I replied, refusing to make a big deal of something that could easily be just my impression.
"Well, it is evening alright," he said, turning his body to face me and stroking his finger along my shoulder and down my arm. "Why don't we get dressed and I will take you out for dinner?"
I smiled at him and cupped his right cheek with my hand.
"Sure. Will be ready in half an hour."
It took me less, of course.
It was a vacation and I did nothing much but take a shower, put on a yellow sundress and tie my hair in a loose bun on the top of my head.
When I got out from the house Enzo was already waiting for me at the front door, facing his back to me, standing tall and damn handsome, with his hands shoved in the pockets, wearing a casual sky blue t-shirt with short beige pants.
He turned around with a mouthwatering smile, showing his white teeth and glaring at me between his rebel strands of hair, falling on his forehead.
"You look beautiful, Becks," he said when landing his eyes on me.
I blushed, feeling my cheeks hot and lowering my gaze, I walked to him and grabbed the hands he offered.
He took us to a beach restaurant where they served the best seafood, he said. And he was right. The dinner was delicious.
As the sun was setting down, he suggested we took a walk on the beach and admire the beautiful sunset, walking hand in hand, in perfect silence, the rustle of our steps being covered only by the sounds of the waves.
I was comfortable to have him with me. It made me feel less lonely, although loneliness was what I came here for.
"Becks, I will have to go back to Italy," he shot the silence.
I stop in my way and forced him to stop as well, turning towards me and locking his eyes with mine.
"No..." I whispered, staring into those black eyes, sparkling in the sunset light and glued to my face.
His smile became suddenly sad and he walked closer to wrapping me in a blessing hug.
I knew it was the right thing to do, but I didn't want him to leave. Not yet.
His hug felt warm and comfy while his hands were rubbing my back in smooth strokes. I felt his chest pressed on mine and his breathing became deep and shaky.
"When?" I whispered.
"Tonight," his answer came fast.
"Stay with me this night, please. I need you," I said curling my arms around his neck, and pulling myself a few inches from his face I peppered soft kisses on his lips, lifting myself on my toes.
Enzo kissed me back, tightening his hold on me and breathing heavily, groans coming out from the back of his throat as he deepened his mouth on mine, cutting my air.
He abruptly pulled himself away, pressing his forehead on mine and squeezing his eyes tight.
"I can't, Becks. I can't go on like this anymore..." he whispers, and oh God, there was so much anguish in his deep voice. "I know I said you belonged only to yourself, but that cannot be, tesoro. You don't belong to yourself and you don't belong to me either. You never will."
I knew what he meant because I knew deep inside whom I belonged to, something that could never be changed.
Lucas was the master of my entire being, my heart, my mind, my soul. He has always been my home, and now my home was so far.
I knew that whatever happened and wherever I would be, I belonged to Lucas only.
Enzo took me back to the villa late in the evening and closer we were deeper my heart was sinking in sadness because I knew the time to say goodbye again was drawing closer.
I was going to lose my best friend and there was nothing I could do about it.
I wanted to ask Enzo to stay and I knew that if I was going to ask him strong enough he would have stayed, but I couldn't do that to him.
I knew it was hurting him, and I hoped that distance will put some ease on his heart.
It had been hard enough for him when I left Italy and I knew he was supportive and seemed okay with it, but there it was, the pain in his eyes while smiling at the same time and fighting to seem happy and strong for me.
I had the chance to talk to Feli over the phone after I left and explain her everything.
I was not upset with Enzo hiding the divorce papers from me. It hurt, but in the end probably I would have done the same if that would have kept close to me the person I loved.
I wanted Feli to know that and also know that her brother would always have a special place in my heart.
Feli was a wise woman, and I knew she would understand. And I made sure she knew how to contact me, just in case. I made Feli promise she would let me know about Enzo as often as she could.
Sprawling in bed and staring at the ceiling, I realized that this night was going to be a new border line in my life.
This night was the time I would finally realize that Lucas was my home, no matter what I would do.
This night is the time I realize I must stop hurting people to save myself. This night is the time I let Enzo go.
It was hurting and made me feel lonely but I was Rebecca Tate after all, divorced or not, I couldn't deny who I was, the daughter of a mafia man, the sister of an abusive brother, the wife of a man that turned the world upside down for me, a man that risked his life and safety to safe mine.
I was Rebecca Tate, the woman that would raise from her own ashes and let no one walk her over. But little I knew tonight what my life was going to become.
I have spent the rest of the days enjoying the weather and the sun, doing the best I could to relax and forget for a while about the hard times that were going to come.
The nights were the hardest.
It felt cold and I was lonely and every time I fell asleep the bloody face of Lucas was haunting me, torturing me as it seemed I could never reach him no matter how fast I would run towards him. That's how my dreams were, the reverse of the nightmare when I left Lucas behind, shot and crashed on the ground.
It was as if he was floating further and further away and each time I would wake up screaming, soaked in my own sweat and with a stinging throat. And never go back to sleep til early hours of the morning.
The days, on another hand, were with an amazing weather, warm and smelling of ocean and it felt great to just sit and sleep by the pool.
I loved the breeze here, inhaling deep breaths while having my walks on the beach, sinking my feet into the burning sand while the wind waves my hair and enjoying that feeling of being watched, an awful feeling you might say, but not for me.
For me it felt protective, giving me a sense of serenity and calm.
“Be kind to unkind people.”