Conflicted Affection

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12

We all hung out together for the majority the the day until it was time for Alexa to get some sleep.

Me and Ryland now hang out in my room talking.

"I mean, my nerdy self loves school, but it's getting harder to keep up." Ryland says.

"I understand, except I never liked school." I chuckle.

Ryland looks down, taking a long pause then saying, "I'm scared of the future."

"Me too. I don't know what it'll be like. I only know it'll get harder."

Ryland suddenly looks up at me, "Why can't life just be peaceful?"

"I don't know, Ryland." I say sadly.

"Things have just been confusing lately."

"I understand, I've just been coming to terms with my confusion, though."

"About what?" Ryland furrows his brows. I don't really want to tell him, though, because it is about him.

"It's nothing."

"Please." He begs.

"Just about my feelings," I chuckle, "Yet, I've been confused about my feelings for quite some time now. Ever since 7th grade, but it didn't get really bad until 8th grade."

"What happened?"

"I just tried to ignore it."

"Did it work?"

I chuckle, "Nope. It made it much worse. It nearly drove me to insanity."

"Is that why you seemed so angry in middle school?"

"Pretty much, I suppose you can say that."

"What do you mean?"

"I was angry in order to ignore it, but again, it made it worse."

"Can you tell me what you were confused about? Maybe we can help each other out? We are friends now after all." He says kindly, making me smile.

"It's kinda awkward."

"I know awkward, you don't have to tell me every detail. If you don't want to then it's ok."

"I," I pause, questioning if I want to do this or not, "I never really liked girls. Sure, I thought some were beautiful, that's what convinced me that I liked them. Yet, my first kiss with a girl felt odd. Maybe it just wasn't the right person, but the next time I kissed a different girl, it felt odd again. Kind of, disgusting." I admit.

"You think you're gay?"

"Yeah, but I could never tell anyone, especially Michael. If he suspected I was gay he would kick me out of the group and beat me till I bled. He hated anyone different."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't, I don't deserve that. I was just as bad as him."

"No you weren't, you wanted to be liked and you wanted to feel normal. You were hurting inside. I understand that now, I forgive you."

"Thank you." I smile at him.

"Have you ever liked a guy? Or are you just confused to why you don't like girls?"

I pause for a long time, and he almost speaks until I begin to speak up, "I don't know. I'm almost sure I have liked a guy, but maybe I'm just confusing myself."

"Oh," he says, "I don't want to make things awkward, but what did you feel when," he pauses again.

"When we.. kissed?" I asks, and he nods, "I felt something." Is all I can say.

"With that guy you said you liked, what did you feel around him?"

I sigh, remembering how I felt looking at Ryland, how strong it got before high school, "It was so strong it drove me crazy. My whole body would feel like I just got shocked, my heart would beat like mad." I admit, smiling and feeling my heart beat quicken.

"Sounds like you liked him." Ryland concludes.

"I think I did. Looking at him only made it more intense. I don't know how it happened."

"You never really choose who you like, your mind and heart work together to create feelings that can either drive you to insanity or make you feel better."

"Yeah," I chuckle, "They work together to ruin you."

"My feelings have been ruining me lately, too." He admittes.

"I hope I didn't do that." I laugh.

"Not really, again, your own mind and heart work together to do this to you."

"Do you like me?" I ask.

"I don't know. Do you like me?" He asks quietly.

All I can do was furrow my brows and look at the floor.

"It's ok. Did you love that other guy?" He asks.

"I don't know."

"Did you always think about him, dream of him, feel like he was the only one you would ever want? If he is gone, how does it make you feel?"

"Well, he isn't really gone, but it's odd. I mean, I only think of him, he always somehow ends up in my mind. No matter how much I pretend to hate him, I can never convince my feelings." A sudden smile pops onto my mouth.

"Seems strong. If you can find him, I say you go with him."

I just laugh.

"What?" He asks.

"I don't know if I can. Even if he does like me, he's confused too."

"How do you know?"

I just sit there, not saying a word.

"I think I'm gonna get some sleep ok." I say, laying down and covering my head with a blanket.

"Dillan?" He asks shyly.

"Yeah?"

"Who is he?"

"A person." I joke.

"Dillan!" He is clearly annoyed at this point.

"Nothing."

"Is it Michael? Even if he hated people like that, was he having issues?"

"No." I say, my heart now beating from fear.

"Was it one of my friends? Was it another one of your friends?" He asks.

"Shush." Is all I say.

"It is?"

"No!" I snap.

"I'll give you a big bag of doritos if you tell me."

"Not worth it."

"Really?!" Then I feel something soft hit my shoulder.

I then giggle, "I can't."

"I can help you! Come on, you can't forget someone you love for someone you may not even work with." He says, clearly talking about us, but clearly oblivious to the possibility that it's him.

"It isn't that easy. You think you know, but you don't."

"Then explain!"

I quickly sit up, looking him straight in the eye angrily, "It isn't one of your friends, not one of mine, not a stranger either. I bullied him in middle school--all of the popular kids did ever since he decided to come sit at our table in 6th grade. Then, half way into 7th grade I saw him and something just happened. I felt a fuzzy feeling. Now, I feel like I can't forget him! I kissed him, and it felt fucking amazing. It might as well have been my first kiss because its the only one that made me fucking feel something."

With that, he just looks at me.

I decide to continue, "In 8th grade, when school started, I couldn't stop looking at him. Everything he did seemed attractive, and no matter how mean I was to him, every little thing he did made it worse. Happy? Take a guess."

"Is he-"

"You." I snap then sigh out of relief and stress before plopping down on the bed, laying on my back and staring at the ceiling.

"I didn't know." He says slowly and quietly.

"If I made you uncomfortable, I'm sorry." I say calmly.

"I'm just...shocked. I just thought you actually hated me or you were just really angry."

"I wanted to make myself hate you, it clearly didn't work."

"You thought I was attractive?" He asks, looking up at me.

"I still do." I chuckle.

Ryland smiles, blushing and looking at his feet.

"Even though I was mean because I wanted to fit in and feel normal, it doesn't mean it was a justified action."

"Still, I forgive you. I really do."

"Thank you, you're way too kind."

"Can we kiss one more time? Just to see how we feel?"

"Yeah." I say shyly, my heart beginning to pound again.

"Um," He begins as we continued to just sit there.

I sit up, taking a chance and scooting closer to him, glacing from his eyes to his lips, and inching my face closer. Ryland parts his lips and closes his eyes, allowing my lips to collide with his.

Ryland's tense state begins to relax. This time, we kiss longer and our lips move in sync. The longer we kiss the more my heart sped.

Ryland begins to take charge of the kiss and deepen it. My whole body grew electrified.

Ryland stops, breathing heavily and begins to speak, "I think I do like you."

"I think I like you too." I crash my lips back onto his.

Our kiss lasts quite a long time. The more we kiss the more arousal I felt. I look down to see he felt the same. I move my lips down to his neck, finding his sweet spot and hearing his moan softly.

His hand moves down to my lap, gripping my dick, earning a moan from me, but then he stops.

"Dillan, I'm not ready for that." He says softly.

"It's ok, I understand." I smile at him. I scoot a little bit away from him.

My heart pounds and my body remains heated. We just lay there, staring into each others eyes before taking one, last slow kiss.

"Thank you." He whispers to me and I smile.

I lay my head on his chest, and he hugs me close. I feel warmth inside, a warmth I have never felt before.

Ryland kisses my head and we both fall asleep in each others arms.

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