Conflicted Affection

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My alarm screams and makes me jolt up in my bed. I get irritated with the annoying piece of shit and pound my fist on it to shut it up. Before I knew it I hear my mom yell at me to get up.

"Dillan! Get up or I will throw you out of bed! It's school time!"

I grunt. Didn't she just hear my alarm?! "I just woke up, Mom, didn't my alarm just go off?" I ask with confusion.

"No Dillan! It went off 20 minutes ago! Get up!" What the fuck?! When my mom said that I instantly jump up and move through the house urgently.

I brush my teeth, fix my hair, and get dressed. Just another day going to school to feel worse, but at least I can get out of the house. Yeah, I try to tell myself things to help me feel better, but I have better things I could have done today, of course. Lets see, I could go outside and maybe go running, you know, actually have fun! Instead I'm going to a boring school with boring teachers, irritating people, and stress all around. What a great way to spend most of my life.

I was clearly lost in my thoughts of hating school and I soon find myself in eerie silence, sitting on my bed staring. My mom wakes me up from my daydreaming as she opens the door and says, "Dillan come on before you are late for school!" I stand up nonchalantly, still clearly tired. The yummy blueberry pancakes my mom makes me eat for breakfast satisfies my hunger, even giving me a tiny boost of awareness.

The air is chilly outside, the sun shines bright, the sky looks so blue, a beautiful spring day. It's pretty much a great way to start today. Maybe this day can be the greatest day ever. I hear my little sisters tiny feet come scattering towards me.

"Dillan! Don't forget me!" says my sister with a giggle and a big bright smile.

"I could never forget you, little Alexa." I smile really big. She is basically my best friend and I would honestly do anything for her. She does a bunny hop towards the car and jumps inside with her bright, tiny pink backpack in her lap.

"How are you feeling today?" I asked her.

"Happy!" she shouts and giggles. It made me jump at how loud she was but she's only being a kid, I can't blame her.

We get to her school and she hugs me and tells me she loves me before hopping out. Seeing her happy makes me happy, especially when she didn't come from a perfect family. I'm just glad I can know that regardless of lies others could tell me about anything, my little sister would never lie to me, at least not about anything serious until maybe when she gets older. Sometimes it scares me knowing that she will grow up and maybe end up hating me or never talking to me.

I soon get to school and go inside. The bell rings as soon as I get to my locker and I nearly panic. Mr. Shay said if I was late again I would get a whole month of detention. That doesn't make any sense but he can do whatever he wants because he is an adult. A bitch of an adult. I close my locker and just run with everything in my backpack and get to class, to only see the beautiful sight that he wasn't even there. Only the earliest people were there, which made me check my phone and realize that it was only 7:20 and I have a lot of time. I have a feeling this whole day may be strange, maybe even all over the place.

I walk back to my locker in a slow, kind of dissapointed way since I got all sweaty for nothing. An announcement came on about the bell. It rang on accident apparently. There must be a new person working in the office..again.

As I get to my locker, I see the familiar face I try to ignore every day, and I attempt to not pay attention to it at all. I hear the sound of a bunch of books falling to the floor and realize my backpack was very light in weight now, yet I still pray my books didn't fall and Ryland won't try to pick the books up and some cliché will occur where the two lovers try to pick up their books and they fall in love just by looking at each other. I mean, not like we are lovers or anything, but maybe something awkward will happened between us in place of any cliché. Why am I even worrying?! I slowly turn my eyes to a big pile of books on the ground and Ryland looks over at me, probably asking himself if I will pick those books up. I start feeling a heat rush to my cheeks. I shouldn't be anxious! Ryland is just a person and its just a pile of fucking books! I slowly turn to pick them up and notice my body heating up from embarrassment and stress.

I find myself soon breathing heavily and hear a voice, a voice I force myself to ignore, ask, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm ok I just had a stressful morning." I force an awkward laugh, and that's pretty much the last word I even dare say to him. I think we were telepathically agreeing to never speak again to each other since we both remain completely silent.

"See you in class." I hear Ryland say and then I want to bang my head on the locker. I thought I was safe and that we agreed telepathically to never speak to each other again. He slams his locker shut, which startles me considering I'm not fully awake and everything is fucking scaring me today.

As I watch him walk away, I found myself immediately regretting everything. I wish it wasn't wrong and wouldn't make me feel like shit if I bullied him again, maybe it would take away the embarrassment and possible feelings I may feel for him. Sure I pass it off as jealousy or wanting to be him because he is quite perfect with his voice and face and hair. Yeah, nevermind all that. I can't think of him as cute or attractive because what if that means I like him? Like, you know, want to do him kind of liking even though I don't feel that way towards him but I feel it could go there any minute even though I'm not even gay. I can't like him, I don't! My nervousness creeps up on me and a locker slamming shut knocked me out of my thoughts.

I get everything in my locker and quickly get to class, slowly calming down. As I step inside I realize there was new seating arrangements and I pray I would at least be by myself so I won't possibly be beside an asshole. As I look on the board to see where I sat, my eyes grow wide and panic creeped upon me once more.

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