Fields of Clover

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Chapter THIRTY

Patrick O'connor

My brain blanks.. Like, actually blacks the fuck out on me. I open my mouth but nothing comes.. Nothing good, anyway.. "Fuck."

She blinks.."Fuck?"

She pulls back from me in a fast jerky movement, her eyes shine, threatening tears and a scarlet flush creeps up her soft cheeks.. "No-- I mean--"

I can't think fast enough, so instead I try taking a step towards her in an effort to undo the damage I've just done, but she retreats further.. Her eyes fall to the ground and she begins to pace around the kitchen island.."God.. I'm such an idiot.. What is wrong with me!?"

I watched her numbly.. All I can think about is the devastation I know I'm going to feel when she's gone.. If something were to happen to her.. Say something! Anything!
The voice in my head roars at me.. But I'm frozen..

Every ounce of my self doubt prevents me from giving her the things she needs.. I couldn't protect her.. Even with Spectre's resources, even with the CIA onside.. I've failed her.. Shes most important thing in my life but I might need to accept, that I will never be worthy of a woman like her..

"You know.. I don't know where I thought this was going.. I want to be mad at you, Patrick.. I feel like I should be, for leading me on or.. Whatever this has been.. Somehow, I don't think you meant to.." She buzzes back and forth across the kitchen floor, my eyes bounce around following her movements..
Suddenly she stops and looks right at me.. No.. She looks right fuckin' through me.. "You just prefer to hide everything behind a smile and a joke.. Even though I know you feel it.."

She smiles at me, though it doesn't reach her eyes. Instead, she appears tired, for the first time in the entire time I've known her, she looks truly defeated. Not because of her ex.. Not because of her sudo-father or the senator.. No, this is my fault.

"But me? I care about people and I'm not afraid to admit that.. Not anymore.. It doesn't make me weak, it makes me happy, Patrick.. That's all I want for you.. To be happy.. If you would just let yourself.."

She picks up the syringe with the tracker chip inside it, the one that Paxton providedcourtesy of the CIA and she holds it out to me..

I take it, unsure why she's giving it tome so I just stare at her curiously..She pulls her glossy hair to the side, turning her back to me and exposing the delicate nape of her slender neck.. "Chip me.."

Every fiber of my being wants to throw the syringe on the ground and stomp on it.. "I don' want to.." I grumble under my breath..

"If you don't do it, I will.. and chances are I'll hurt myself in the process.. Do you want that on your conscious, Marine?" She tosses a teasing smile over her shoulder to go along with her joke..

"You're not funny.." I huff..

She frowns.. "I so am.. Now, chip me."

I step up behind her, running my thumb down up soft ridge of her spine making her shiver.. Leaning down I press a tender kiss on the back of her neck, her skin bristling with goosebumps at the soft contact.. "Patrick.."

I suck in a breath pulling back. I pull the cap off the syringe with my teeth and shestiffens at the sound.. "Ready?"

She nods.

I take the thick gauge needle and slowly press it into her creamy skin.. The sharp tip sinking effortlessly into her flesh.. She let's our a tiny yelp and I wince as I plunge the saline solution that contains the tiny GPS tracking chip.."Ow!"

"Sorry princess.." I mumble...As I pull the needle a little trail of blood trickles from the puncture wound.. I place the empty syringe on the counter and reach over for the paper towel, tearing off a sheet and pressing it to quell the tiny bleeding dot..

Standing behind her so close I can smell her tropical fragrance, the smell of jasmine flowers and coconut float in the air and I lean into the intoxicating aroma..

Why can't she see it's killing me to let her go through with this.. That the thought of losing her is too much for me to accept.. I refuse to. How can I begin to picture a future when she is going to go through with this?..

"Patrick.." Her voice comes out a low whisper.. Sad.. Distant..No.. I know what's coming before she even says the words and it's like taking a bullet the chest..

"Princess.. Please, don't.." She steps away, turning back around to face me a silvery tear slipping down her cheek..

"I'm going to go stay with Honey and Archer for the next few days.." She brushes it away with the back of her hand and shakes her head as if to clear the sadness away.

Suddenly her perfect proper alter-ego is back.. But now she's using it on me.. Its fucking bizzare.. I feel caught up in a game with no rules.. Where I can't win, no matter what I do.."Wait.."

But she's already off, crossing the living room heading for the bedroom.. "Yevette.. Wait!.." She stops in the middle of the lounge, spinning around to face me.. "You can't jus' leave.."

Fuck.

What is wrong with me.. It's like I've forgotten how to speak! Everything is going so wrong around me, I've fucked it all up, handled everything wrong and now Yevie is more at risk of being hurt than ever..

"Oh? Why? Am I under arrest? Am I your prisoner Mr O'connor?"

Whoa shite.. Being downgraded from a sweet nickname to Mr O'connor, isn't a great sign here..

"No.. You're my girlfriend.."As soon as the words are out of my mouth I realise how dumb that sounds.. I want her to be my girlfriend.. Hell I want her to be more than that.. So why can't I say it?

"I don't think you understand what that means.. Or.. Maybe I don't understand what you mean.. Either way.. We are obviously not on the same page here.."

She turns back around and rushes to the bedroom, I trail behind her watching as she packs up her various bits and pieces into a small leopard print travel case.

"Shit.. You're really going to run away over a few words, Princess?.."

She zips up her travel case with a flick.. "I'm not running, Patrick.."

Straightening up she picks up her case she turns to look me dead in the eye.. "You are.."


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