I take a deep breath before opening my apartment door. Kelly is standing in the kitchen with a tear tracing down her cheek and a shaken look sprawled across her face. She is holding the letter Tyler wrote me in her hands. I left so quickly I forgot I left it laying on the floor. Her eyes dart up and catch mine when she heard the door open. Her face falls deeper into a frown when she takes in my appearance.
“Is this?” she chokes up and stumbles trying to get the words out. Her eyes glance back down at the letter in her hands before she turns back to me.
“Is it real?” she softly finishes.
Kelly and I think so much alike it does not shock me that one of her first thoughts was the same as mine. The thought that there is no way this can be real because who does this? Who leaves someone after two years with nothing but a letter? Who just takes off? I guess I have my answer to that now, it’s Tyler. Tyler does.
“It’s real.” I manage to reply while tears begin to slowly creep down my face again.
“I don’t understand, I can’t- I..” she fumbles through her words trying to find the right thing to say, trying to understand her own shock but there is nothing to understand here. It’s impossible to understand, I know that and so does she.
“What am I supposed to do now Kelly?” I say with a shaking voice with the tears still continue their continuous assault on my face.
Kelly walks over to me and embraces me in one of the tightest hugs she has ever given and she doesn’t let go. I fling my arms around her, gripping her back even harder. We just stand there in silence. I have run out of words to say and I know she doesn’t have anything to say that can help me now. Kelly pulls away from the hug untangling us but keeps both her hands on my shoulders and looks into my eyes.
“You cry until you feel like you have no tears left, you scream if you need to.” She says with more confidence.
“but when you’re done you pick yourself up and move on. You will be okay because I will make sure of it. If he can just leave you this way, then let him go. There is better for you out there somewhere.” She tries to assure me.
“Better out there for me?" I think to myself. I have never thought of myself being with anyone else for the last two years. How am I supposed to see the light at the end of the tunnel when I feel like I am only surrounded by black. The thought of someone else makes me nearly vomit on the spot.
“I need a shower” I reply.
“Okay, go take a hot shower. I will wait out here in the living room for you. We can lay and do a movie day.” She gives me a small smile.
I make my way into my bathroom and shut the door behind me, locking it. I turn the water on and stand there staring at myself in the mirror while I wait for the water to heat up. I have never seen myself look this way, so broken. My eyes are swollen and blood shot. The black that was stained on my cheeks from my running mascara is almost washed off, leaving behind only a grey color. I let my hair out of the bun and continue to stare at myself wondering if I will ever be able to look in the mirror again and feel like I am looking at myself, not a figment of where I use to be. I just do not feel like me anymore.
I pull back the shower curtain and the steam hits my face invading my lungs as I step into the hot water. I stand still letting the water wash over me, silently sobbing wishing the water would wash my pain away with it. I am not sure how long I have been in here, only that its been a long time as I feel the water shifting from hot to warm, to cold. I guess I have officially run us out of hot water and that is my que to attempt to get out and go meet Kelly for a movie day. I grab the white towel from the towel rack and dry myself off. I skip the mirror this time, I don’t want to look at myself anymore. I pull my most comfortable pajamas on to my body and make my way to the living room. I know I won’t be able to focus on a movie right now, but I don’t want to be alone.