Numbness like chilled water flowed through my body at the judges pronoucement, I lost every sense of feeling, it felt like dooms day, despite the whole thing that happened during the trial I had hoped for a win, had looked forward to seeing Daryl Smith walk out the door in cuffs like a child looking forward to Christmas instead the bastard will be walking out free with his smug and superior attitude intact.
The urge to wail in agony at this unfair outcome ceased me but I didn't give in to it, I allowed everything to fade away and lost myself in the darkest part of my mind wallowing in my defeat.
The shaaking on my shoulder dragged me out of my stupor despite my desire to remain in that state.
"Are you okay Miss Wright? my lawyer asked after getting my attention.
What a stupid question to asked I thought snappishily in my mind, but murmured am fine to the man watching me intensely, refusing to meet his eyes.
" Am sorry it turned out this way he apologized sincerely.
I wanted to scream, and lash out at him, telling how useless he was at his job, to blame him for the failure of the system to vent this anger that was gradually replacing the numbness on him, but what good will it do me, the verdict has been pronounced and there is no changing it. "Is alright Mr. Reynolds you did your best I muttered with a luckstere attitude, and wanting to leave this place badly that I could taste the feeling.
Mum has yet to say anything for which I was grateful, because I wasn't in the mood for any placating words. It seems I escaped it from my mum just to face a barrage of it from our relatives who made it in for the final hearing.
I sat through it all with my head held high, cringing whenever someone mentions, it is going to be alright, that God has a reason for everything, well am still trying to figure out the reason for my rape and losing the case to the bastard that did it I thought sarcastically in my mind.
Finally I was left alone with my lawyer and my mum, who has yet to meet my eyes or say anything, I wonder what is going through her mind, I wanted to ask but didn't feel up to it. The three of us stood and proceeded to the door in silence.
Outside the court I saw Daryl talking to the press with the smile of victory so bright on his face and his wife and lawyer shielding him like two protective lioness. There were a lot of reporters surrounding him, with bystanders gawking at them like they were shooting a movie, which it looks like going by the display Daryl and his entourage where putting on outside there. I knew I couldn't go outside there to face those people so I paused very close to the door not making any move to continue.
" What is it Evelyn?" Mum asked noticing my frozen state.
"Is there a back door out of this court?" I addressed Mr. Reynolds ignoring her question.
Mr. Reynolds peeped outside and nodded in understanding, before pivoting on his feet and heading in opposite direction from the door.
Thank God we parked a little bit away from the court. Today there were so many cases being tried in court today, so parking space had been a problem that we had to go around the court house to find where to park.
Getting closer to where we parked I walked on and left my mum to converse with Mr Reynolds, when they were done, mum headed in my direction, while Mr Reynolds threw one more apologetic glance my way before walking off.
"Am sorry" mum murmured softly when she joined me in the car. I didn't acknowledge her words, just leaned against the window starring out of it. She waited for a response from me, when I didn't give her any, she sighed laying a comforting hand on my thigh before she drove off.
At home I went straight to my room and threw myself on the bed not bothering with the lights or the shade. The shred of darkness in the room fits my depressed mood as I just laid there unable to feel anything.
I turned on my side squeezing up my legs to my chest, as the tears finally came, I cried till everything in me emptied, I felt so empty and exhausted, I was relieved that mum didn't come to check on me because I wasn't really in the mood for cheering up.
After a while I fell into an exhausted sleep.
Is been a week since the trial and I haven't had the strength to do anything, I gave up my internship despite all the pleadings and talking from my boss and mum. I didn't have the energy for it, these days I don't much have energy for anything as I just lay down in my bed wallowing in my sadness that was consuming me.
Mum walked into my my room early one morning having had enough of my wallowing in bed feeling sorry for myself, she shook me, waking me up from sleep.
"What is it mum?" I groaned weakly, I felt so tired and couldn't even mutter the strength to open my eyes.
"You have been on this bed for days barely eating or going outside, don't you think is high time you left your bed and try to do something else to take your mind off everything that happened." She said in a suggestive tone. "You gradually are wasting away in this room" she said worriedly trying to remove the sheets rapped around me.
I snatched the sheets back from her hands, "my life is my own and I decide what to do with" I snapped out flatly turning my back on her. Mum has been trying to get me to see someone, but I have been turning her down. I know she is worried about me, but I would love to be left alone to deal with this in my own way.
"She let out a tired sign as if at the end of her ropes, Evie baby you need help, why don't you see someone, maybe....."
"I am not seeing anybody!" I yelled shutting her done before she could finish. Why am I not surprise she is bringing it up again.
Mum has been trying to get me to see someone, but I have been turning her down. I know she is worried about me, but I would love to be left alone to deal with this in my own way.
"I am not going to a total stranger and pouring out my life to him or her, please let me deal with this on my own," I finished my voice sounding low at the end.
"But Evie you are not dealing, that's the problem, you have all those things bottled up inside you and just lying here feeling sorry for yourself" mum said in high tones her voice sounding mildly irritated.
"So what do you want me to do?" I spoke through a clenched teeth, my eyes narrowing at her, "do you want me all happy and excited carrying on as if nothing happened as if I wasn't raped and the man responsible just walked away free" I yelled out and by the time I was done I was raising my voice and shedding tears.
"That's not what am saying, and you know it mum said calmly coming to seat on the bed with me and placing a comforting hand on my shoulder, "but you lying here in darkness all cooped up with your thoughts, not eating or doing anything else is not healthy." She added looking at me with all the love and worry.
"Am sorry mum, I will deal with this on my own, I just asked to be left alone" I said with finality indicating I wanted to be left alone now.
She stared at me for a while before releasing another sigh and then walked out my room.
The persistent press on the bell woke me up the next morning, I groaned tiredly annoyed at the person disturbing me so early in the morning but when I looked at the clock I found out it was noon already, mum must be at work I thought dragging myself up from the bed.
I stood up and my legs trembled reminding me how long is been since I had a decent meal, but despite that I wasn't feeling hungry, actually was feeling much of anything these past few days.
I poured water on my face and tried to look a bit presentable before going downstairs.
I opened the door to the sight of Olivia whose bright expression on seeing me turned to a heavy frown as she took in my appearance.
"Are you alright Evelyn?" she said sounding alarmed.
Why do everyone keep asking me that I thought in irritation, of course am not alright I snapped in my mind, but outside none of the irritation I was feeling showed.
I nodded giving her a wane smile as I let her in. I wasn't in the mood for visitors but I didn't have the heart to send her away.
We haven't seen since the end of the trial, in fact I have been avoiding everybody since the trial.
I sat on the kitchen chair. "So how have you been?" she asked taking the next seat.
I opened my mouth to answer but the smell emanating from the bag she dropped on the table had me standing up quickly as I made a run for the bathroom my stomach feeling queasy.
Inside the bathroom I bent to my waist and emptied my stomach into the toilet. When I was done, I wiped my mouth clean and came out to my room to see Olivia sitting on my bed her eyes filled with worry she looked at me.
"Are you alright?" she asked faintly sitting up.
I nodded but my stomach was still feeling unsettled, as I swayed a little and she was up immediately to my side holding me steady as she helped me towards the bed.
"Have you eating anything?" She asked sitting beside me.
The mention of food worsened the unsettle feeling I was having as I clutched my tummy tight as if to steady it.
"Am not really hungry" I murmured pressing my face into pillow trying to rid myself this queasy feeling I was having.
"But you have got to eat something" she says taking a worried look at my appearance.
I nodded just to get her off my back as I found myself drifting off.
The next time I opened my eyes Olivia was coming into my room carrying a tray with a bowl of soup emitting hot steam.
"You are still here" I croaked, my voice husky from sleep and dryness.
She nodded and placed the tray on the bed.
I sat up gradually happy that my stomach feels okay, I stretched and took the bottle water on the tray wetting my dried throat.
"I made you some soup, my mother usually makes this for me whenever I have a bad stomach" she said joining me on the bed.
"Thanks and am sorry for falling asleep on you" I apologized picking up the tray and placing it on my lap. I just wanted to eat not to waste her effort, not that I was hungry.
"Is no problem, I just came to see how you are doing," she said waving away my apology.
"We missed you at work Evie, are you really not coming back? because I heard that the big boss is ready to offer you back the internship if you change your mind."
"The last thing on my mind was work, I don't think I can go back Liv, it reminds me of him" I said quietly scooping the soup into my mouth.
"So what are going to do next?" She asked curiously.
I chuckled mildly at her question, I haven't been able to leave my bed this days talk more of making plans for my future.
"I don't know Liv," I said with a faraway look, and that was really the truth, I have no idea how am going to snap out of this or if am even going to. The feeling of ending it all has been crowding my mind more and more these days, and I just hope I don't give in to it's tempting grip.
"I understand" she said patting my hand, just take your time.
I smiled at her words, not believing she understood, I don't think anyone understands how I feel, but I will take her words at face value seeing that she meant well.
Thanks for the soup I said after I have taking few spoons, I couldn't eat more because my stomach felt full despite the small quantity I have taken.
"You are welcome" she said taking the tray from my hand and placing it on the table.
I leaned against the wall on bed and talked a while with Olivia, or she talked and I listened making little sounds to show I was listening, but what I wanted to do was lie down and sleep till the next day.
Olivia left after few hours of keeping me company. She got a call from her boyfriend, wanting to see her so she had to leave. I didn't even know she had a boyfriend, I thought when I saw her off, going by the big smile on her face, she must really love the said boyfriend. I was happy for her and a little jealous of her happiness.
For the past three days I have been spending most of my mornings head bowed into the porcelain bowl and this morning was no different as I woke up running to the bathroom to throw up, as soon as I finished another wave came sending me back to the white bowl as I heaved the content of my stomach, as there was little in there to begin with it was mostly dry heaves.
When I was done I slumped to the ground so weak and unable to move and my stomach still feeling very unsettled.
Mum came in and saw the state I was in and shook her head, "I can't take this anymore Evie am taking you the hospital" she said helping me up.
I didn't have the strength to argue with her, I just allowed her to help clean me up and put on a fresh clothes.
In the hospital I was admitted because they said I was too weak and had lost so much weight.
I laid in the hospital bed eyes closed with mum sitting beside me, her worry pouring out of her as she kept glancing at the door for the doctor who took my blood for test.
The door opened and mum quickly stood up and faced the doctor that walked in.
"Doctor what's wrong with my daughter?" mum asked agitated.
I watched the doctors face to see if I can decipher anything but her expression gave nothing away.
"Madam calm down your daughter is alright" she said in a cool calm voice.
Mum swallowed but still had the worried look on her face, "then why has she been throwing up so much these past few days?" mum asked.
"That's expected for a woman in her condition" she said as my heart skipped and started racing.
"What condition?" mum asked looking lost.
"Your daughter is pregnant" the doctor released like a bomb.