Few days later I sat with mum at the clinic a little nervous, ok a lot nervous, I was sweating a little refusing to look anyone in the eyes, I felt very anxious of what am about to do, though I have made up my mind to do it despite the so many times mum tried talking me out of it, it still didn't make it any easier.
Evelyn Wright the attending nurse called my name startling me.
I looked at mum, her look saying one more chance to back out, but I took a deep breath squaring my shoulders and walked into the clinic with mum following me behind.
I could feel her hesitation because these goes against everything she believes in, but since that is what I wanted she was willing to go along to support me.
Inside the room the doctor went ahead to counsel me, explaining the whole procedure and yadda, I wanted to yell can we get on with it already because of how much fear was clogging my throat.
Despite my certainty that aborting this child was my only option I still had this inkling of doubt, something telling me that this child is also part of me and no matter how it had happened I couldn't just kill it.
Because the child was barely few weeks old I was giving the option of a pill to induce the abortion.
I collected it and brought it to my mouth but couldn't take it as my hand shook so much.
Is alright is always hard thing to do so take your time and you are still allowed to change your mind, the doctor said trying to calm my nerves.
I looked at mum to see her looking away as if unable to bear what am about to do.
I have changed my mind I said suddenly throwing the pill far away as if they burnt.
Mum released a sigh of relief looking up to high heavens in thanks.
I too said a prayer in my mind for the decision I have taken, that I will be able to push through and not hate the child when it is born.
Having a child growing in me brought me out of my funk and I decided not to wallow in self pity and do something once again.
Obviously going back to Catlinks was out of opinion so I started looking for another place I could submit my application to complete the internship but in the meantime I got a job working as a waitress in one restaurant few kilometers away from home.
Since I had worked as a waitress before in highschool the manager was too eager to hire me, as they were short handed.
The restaurant though a vegetarian establishment still had quiet a number clientele, and is always busy.
Is been two months since my visit to the clinic and I was due to visit the hospital but this time to check on the baby and not to kill it.
Mum has agreed to accompany me cause I didn't want to go for my first antenatal appointment alone.
My stomach has started to show a little bulge but not much, the elation I felt at having a little person growing inside me is always damped by the reminder of who the father is, but I always suppress the thought pushing it away from my mind, making it seem as if the baby had no father.
Are you ready mum asked opening my door.
I nodded my head smiling a little in her direction before picking up my hand bag to follow her out of the house.
I started feeling a little nervous as we parked, I had this feeling of what if something is wrong with the child what if one the legs is not developing well or the hands or the mouth I had all this what if running through my mind as we made our way into the hospital.
The place was rowdy filled with people waiting on the news of there loved one. Mum asked me to sit while she went to the receptionist to get me registered.
I sat beside a woman looking frazzled and rattled as her legs kept moving and her finger nails being bitting on furiously while she cast worried and fearful glance to the main area.
I sat quietly beside the woman wondering who she has here. People came and went with the occasional wail of anguish from relatives that lost loved ones or people that come in pains.
The whole situation was not helping my frazzled mind I wanted us to be done and gone already from this place, and the sterile smell of the hospital was not helping at all.
Mum sat beside me taking my hands in hers as we waited to be called in.
I lay down in the hospital gown my tummy exposed as the doctor placed a gel on it, it felt slightly cold to the skin. Placing her probe she moved it around and I watched with rapt interest even though I couldn't make out anything on the screen.
She moved the thing around till she got what she wanted, can you see it she asked with a smile in her voice.
What? I asked looking at the screen in confusion. She pointed it out and I couldn't help the smile that broke my face as I looked at my baby the first time. This is the first real smile on my face since the whole incidence happened.
Is everything alright doctor, mum asked from the side while I fixated on the screen, marveling at the sight.
Yes ma everything is alright. Do you want a picture for the baby's father the doctor asked throwing a cold water on my excitement as the room became tensed.
There is no baby father mum spoke in a tight tone, but we still like a picture.
The doctor apologized for her blunder, then she clicked on something and the image printed out which she handed over to us.
I hopped off the table, dressing quickly as I was so ready to be away from this place.
Later that night after work I was standing in front of the shop waiting for mum to pick me up because my car has been out of commission for a while now and I don't have enough for another one.
I rang her to know if she was close because I was the only one around except for few other guys actually two of them but they were homeless people.
The night was a little chilly and my teeth was chattering a little to the cold, my hands were folded across my body to provide a little warmth.
I saw the headlights of a car bearing down in my direction and smiled thinking is mother.
The big car stopped in front of me and the next thing I knew I was being dragged into the car.
I opened my mouth to scream but it was muffled by a white cloth pressing down hard on my nose and mouth causing me to feel slightly dizzy before everything went black.
I gradually came back to consciousness, feeling a little disoriented and then I heard a voice I didn't think I would hear again in my life.
My fist tightened in rage as I wondered what he was doing here and where the hell here was.
His next words stopped me cold as panic filled me causing my body to fill with adrenaline as my fight or flight mode was triggered.
I was going for the flight mode but unfortunately my feet wouldn't cooperate as they felt like heavy leads.
I tried forcing it to move but couldn't, then I heard foot steps heading my direction and closed my eyes pretending to be out.
I know you are awake Evelyn said a cold voice and I opened my eyes to beheld the piercing gaze of Daryl Smith, the man I was once attracted to but now hates with every fiber of my being and poured all the hatred I felt for him in my gaze as I wanted to lurch at him and wipe off that taunting smirk he was wearing.
Is good to see you Evelyn he said as if we were buddies that parted a long time ago, I just glared at him, if you have done anything to harm my baby I will.............
Do what, have me arrested, he taunted, you tried the first time how did that work out for you he said callously.
Am sorry Evelyn but I can't allow you to keep this baby, I have just gotten my life in order after the whole ruckus you created with your accusations and am not gonna have you disorganise it and my family with your spawn he spat his eyes growing cold.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, please Daryl don't do anything to her, I promise I will just disappear no one will know I was pregnant, I begged crying at the thought of losing the baby.
Is too late, the sweet doctor has already giving you something that will ensure you loose the baby.
My eyes widened, you bastard I screamed loudly as tears ran down my eyes.
No no no I sobbed clutching my stomach as it started to cramp, I can't believe this happening.
I lay there helpless unable to do anything as blood flowed down my thighs.
Boys you know what to do Daryl said to the two goons standing behind him and walked out of the room.
When I woke up again I was in a hospital room, the whole place felt white, what happened I tried to recollect and when it came back my hands quickly went to my stomach, my baby I yelled.
You are awake said a nurse that ran into my room.
I ignored her instead asking is my baby alright?
The nurse looked down, I will get the doctor she murmured existing quickly.
Please let this be another nightmare and last night never happened I prayed.
The doctor walked in with my mum behind him.
Oh Evelyn you are awake she cried running to my side.
Mum is my baby alright I asked in a tear filled voice.
Am sorry Miss Wright but you already had an incomplete miscarriage there was nothing that could have been done.
I didn't have a miscarriage, my baby was murdered I whispered to myself feeling numb, feeling myself shutting down.
I felt the tears run down my cheeks and did nothing to wipe it off I just lay there feeling lifeless.
I was discharge home two days later. At home everything felt as if it was closing down on me I couldn't take it anymore, I wasn't eating I couldn't even mutter the strength to shower, mother has tried her best to help me but nothing was really helping at all. I felt like ending it all.
I was lying on the bed staring morosely at the wall, feeling so empty and tired when my eyes caught the blades on the table.
It drew me like siren, beckoning to me to pick it up and I can just end it all with a cut. I tried to resist but the call was too much and I felt myself reaching for it .