To Be Loved

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No one's coming

Love.

It really is a fascinating concept...

One thinks what he or she feels for his or hers parents is what you call love. Then you meet your soulmate and then the feeling you have is completely different to what you feel for them. You realize that love is not a single concept that can be expressed in words, but a complex feeling that makes you willing to even die for the other person. When we hear the word love, we may think of flowers and cupcakes and rainbows and whatnot but that's not the reality. In reality,

love hurts.

Whether its your parents or soulmate, if you love someone , at one point in life...they hurt you.

And that hurt, that hurt is the worst sort of pain there is.

My parents were the only people I had ever loved. And then they died and I started living with the Roberts.They completely destroyed me to the point where I fully gave up on the concept of love. They first made me believe I was unworthy of love... that I was worthless. And I slowly believed them. Then I started believing love was not real. I it was , shouldn't I feel that emotion at least once in my life? I had forgotten what love felt like...and I stopped believing.

I was afraid, afraid that if I let someone in..they too would hurt me , and I couldn't go through that pain again.

But then I met Ryan.

He filled me with a feeling of hope and happiness , a feeling of safety and peace. I finally stopped hating myself and started to believe. Believe that maybe, just maybe ...I too could be loved. Just maybe for once in my life, I would be happy... and loved.

But no.

The same person who had made me believe once again had become the same monster to destroy that belief. The same person who taught me to love once again , destroyed my love. He took that small flare of hope that had sparked in me and poured water all over it. He took all the broken pieces left in me and turned it into dust...leaving me to try and fix my broken heart again.

But then ... why am I even bothering? What was the point of even trying to fix the broken pieces?

Why?

To be broken again? If so, it was better to remain broken ... than to fix myself only to be broken all over again.

See... love hurts... and that too in the worst way possible.

It had been two weeks since the day Ryan dragged me back to my prison. He locked me up in the closet that day and has left me here all this time. He had tied my arms behind me and my legs were tied in such a way it only allowed me to wobble around. The ropes had chaffed my wrists and ankles and the skin around it had turned a copperish color form all the dried blood and cuts.

Every day, he would come in the morning and give me a glass of water and take me to the bathroom. The water was all I had had all week making me unable to even sit up straight. I had gone from skinny to extremely undernourished in two weeks. I could count my ribs easily and my skin looked like paper. The four walls of the tiny closet seemed to get closer and closer everyday to the point where I started to believe that they would close in on me if I even dared to move. I felt suffocated and sometimes even found it hard to breathe.

Pain had become my only companion in this darkness. Ryan comes in whenever he is agitated or restless and beats me until no part of my body is its natural color. My left eye had swollen shut and my body looked like a kid had tried to mix up black blue and yellow paint.

My only solace in this pain filled nightmare was the sweet memories I had of my parents.

My hands were covered by two larger hands as my parents and I walked through the park. I saw an old lady walking with a cane and thought of my own grandmother.

"Mommy why don't we go visit gwamma anymore?"

A sad look passed through my mothers face before she replied

"Grandma has gone to heaven honey...she is sitting with angels in the cloud and looking over you. "

"But why did she have to leave me... I miss her cookies...You won't ever leave me will u mommy?"

Daddy scooped me into his arms and I giggled as they both smiled at me,

"Of course not honey...we'll always be there for you "

The corners of my mouth turned up a bit at that memory making me forget my pain for a moment. The little memory was able to make me forget for s moment.

Even the darkest of nights can be lit by the tiniest of stars.....

Stars also constitute for one of my best memories...but not entirely true in this situation...

I lie on the crispy grass as a cool breeze blows through the field, playing with my hair. Ryan lies beside me.. our hands intertwined like I believe our souls are. We lay down facing the sky...the starts like twinkling diamonds on a cloth of dark velvet. It looked like a fairy had passed... sprinkling her magic around her path.

He turned to face me pushing up on one arm making me turn towards him .

"I think I'm falling in love...." he tells me

I turn bright red and smile back at him shyly before saying,

" I think I am too..."

He leans towards me his face inches from mine-

I hear the distinct sound of someone opening the door and am jolted out of my memory. Suddenly the door bangs open and I am faced with the sight of a highly disheveled Ryan barging through the door and smelling like he had taken a bath in alcohol .

He stumbled through the door and paused in front of me.

" Do you know what day it isss......" He slurred out.

"

He answered his own question by saying,

" Of course you don't... You are after all your daddy's daughter....You know... today is the day I became an orphan....the day your dad came an killed my parents....."

No...

" Do you know how I felt when I saw them get killed from behind that door... I felt like someone had ripped me open... the pain was unbearable.....and its all because of your f****** family!!!!!"

With that he grabbed my hair and dragged me into his room while I used all the remaining strength I had in my frail body. But it was of no use. He continued to drag me and them harshly dropped me on the bed. Before I could get up he straddled my body and tore of my clothes.

" I will make you feel exactly as I did that day... " He said and before I could even begin to comprehend that what I heard was the sound of his pants unbuckling I felt pain as I had never felt before rushing through my body. It felt like someone had plunged a knife in me and his every thrust felt like being stabbed over and over again until I was reduced to a giant ball of pain.

Once the graveness of what was happening sinked in,I realised...

No one was coming.

No one was coming to save me from this hell.

And if no one is coming to save me...I should just save myself.

And as I thought this the darkness I had been praying to come hey me finally came and took me with it into its peaceful slumber.

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