Love is a fickle emotion....
Or so I believe. It can give us the greatest joy and euphoria, it can wrap around our heart and embrace it in warmth, making us feel safe and cherished. But the same tendrils of love that wrapped itself around our heart can easily crush it in it's vice like grip...destroying all hope. Leaving nothing but the broken pieces for us to pick up.
The love that was meant to be the cause of my salvation became my damnation. My ray of hope became my blanket of darkness, engulfing me in its frozen grip....and not letting go. And I didn't want to get out either. Why bother when all that was waiting for me was pain pain and more pain? At least this darkness didn't hurt me...like everyone else.
No. The darkness had become my teacher. It taught me how to close my heart. How to prevent it from being stomped upon again. How to stop the pain. How not to...love.
Love had been my weakness...but it wont become my destruction.
I wont let it.
And the darkness helped me. It had filled the void that had once been my heart and given me something to hold on to. And I guess the darkness is better than nothing, after all that's all I have left...nothing.
But...there was something .
Something that tried to bring me back.
Something... a voice... that came to me everyday, trying to be the ray of light through my darkness.
Everyday it tried, telling me of the world I had come from, of how the world was beautiful, of how life was for it. How once I wake up we would enjoy that beautiful world together, how I could for once, be happy.
But I don't believe it.
The world was never anything other than cruel to me. Life has been a journey filled with blood and tears for me, not a fairy tale where the prince and princess live happily ever after. And I know,I know that if I wake up, that is what is waiting for me. And so I wont.
But the voice never stopped.
Everyday like clockwork it would come and try to fill me with painful hope. Hope of a better life, hope of a happy life.
I wanted to scream. But I never could.
"Stop giving me hope!!" I wished to say...but my voice remained unheard.
Every day, for months it came and tried to give me hope. And slowly it thawed through my frozen heart, sneaking past the barriers I had put up. It crawled into my mind and slowly, started to change me. It made me want to live again, want to dance in the rain and catch snowflakes as it stood by my side. Made me want to love again.
But I was no fool. I might want to live again, but I wont love again. I wont let it destroy me again.
Months passed and the voice became clearer. It came everyday and told me all that had happened to it. Good or bad, happy or sad, it told me everything. And one day the voice became a person. A person I trusted, a person I wished to see, a person who cared about me and a person who hadn't hurt me.
He was Mason. I heard someone else call him that and I had a name for the voice. Mason became the reason I wanted to wake up. The reason for me not giving up on life itself. He became my reason for trying.
I didn't know what he looked like or who he was. All I knew was that he was there for me. When I was at my lowest he was there for me. He didn't give up like all the others had but stayed by my side. If he was willing to do so much for someone he didn't even know, I wonder how he must be to his friends.
He had managed to wipe out the darkness that had been my companion for so long and take its place in my heart. He had become someone I was willing to trust.
I had lost the ability to love...but I hadn't forgotten to trust. And I trusted him.
I wished to thank him for doing something no one else was willing to do.To see him once with my own eyes. Just to make sure he was real and not someone I had made up. I wanted to see him and believe that I had one person who was willing to believe in me and genuinely like me. I wanted to see him one last time before I ended it all.
And for that, I opened my eyes.