"I am so sorry," I said in a croaked voice. I felt so bad to the extent where I was on the verge of crying. I don't know why I can't do it. I want it, but I can't do it... it's like my body has a brain on its own.
He didn't let me go immediately. He rested my head on my forehead. "It's okay. I am sorry. I shouldn't have rushed you." He apologized.
I nodded my head 'no' since I couldn't form any words. I wouldn't feel so bad if he got angry instead of apologizing.
"It's just that you make me go crazy sometimes especially tonight. Looking at you in that dress..." he stopped before he could say anything and slowly released me.
"Let's go watch that movie." He grabbed my hand and pulled me to his bed.
He played the movie and joined me on the bed cuddling me. For the first few minutes, I was watching the movie and then my mind went on overdrive. I started overthinking which is not a good thing.
I first analyzed the position that we are in. His hand on my hip doesn't feel right. I've never been with someone like this other than my friends. Cuddling each was a casual thing for us, and I've never once felt awkward.
I shifted a little on the bed trying to keep some distance between him and me. He let me but then after few minutes he scooted back and hugged me tighter. I couldn't concentrate on the movie. I was feeling breathless and wondered what's wrong with me.
Suddenly the world started spinning and everything felt so wrong. I pushed him away and sat up, on the bed trying to get some air.
"Hey, are you ok? What's wrong?" Ryan asked me concerned.
"I think I need to go," I said breathing rapidly and pushing his hands away which were on me.
"What do you mean? What's wrong? Where are you going to go? Talk to me, Ava." He bombarded me with questions in a worried tone.
"Don't follow me," I said getting up from the bed running to the door.
I went to my room, changed my dress and I was out of the house before I realized what I was doing. I called a taxi, and I leaned back on the seat after telling the driver my address. Only then I could breathe.
I used the spare key to get into my house since I didn't want to disturb my grandma. I already know that Vian and Jay are staying at Vian's house since I was going to stay out.
I took a cold shower trying to clear my mind. I cried in the shower. I don't know why, but I keep hurting Ryan which hurts me too and tonight was unforgivable. I can't imagine how he was feeling.
I called him when I lied down. I wasn't sure what to tell but I was worried and I wanted to know how he is doing.
"Hey Ava, are you ok?" he asked me concerned as soon as he picked up the call.
I couldn't say anything for a while. Tears formed in my eyes stopping me from saying anything.
"Hey Ava, what's wrong?" his soothing voice makes me want to cry more.
"Are you ok?" I asked him clearing my throat trying not to sound like I was crying.
"You are asking me? I should be the one to hear the answer to that question right now." He spoke.
"I don't know," I said after a moment of silence.
"Hey Ava, it's okay. You don't have to be sorry." He comforted me but it just made my tears roll down.
"Don't say that. It's not okay." I said, already my voice croaking.
"What do you want me to say?" he asked me after a pause.
"Get angry... yell at me... do something other than being nice," I spoke wiping the tears away from my face.
"I am not angry, Ava." He said firmly.
"Because I like you too much."
I couldn't say anything back to that. He went silent for a while, but I know he is there on the other side.
"I wouldn't lie that I wasn't hurt. But I understand you... I understand why you are doing what you are doing more than you know. So I don't think I can ever get angry at you. If I was in your place, I would do the same. In fact, I wouldn't try as much as you are." He added after the pause.
"You have no idea how grateful I am that you are my girlfriend and for the efforts, you put to make me happy. Don't think I didn't notice. You wouldn't call me now if you didn't care. So don't beat yourself so much." He continued assuring me.
"I will wait for you forever because I lo..." he stopped before finishing.
But I understood what he was going to say which made me felt guiltier. To make me feel better he joked and made me laugh. We talked for a while after that which made my heart feel easy.
I cut the call biding good night to Ryan when I heard something outside my window. I forgot to close my window again. I slowly got out of the bed and moved towards my window to close it before whatever animal is out there decided to jump inside my room.
I shrieked when I heard a loud thud followed by a figure jumping inside my room before I reach the window door.
"It's me... it's me... it's me." I heard Vian repeating himself trying to calm me.
"What the hell, V. I told you not to do that." I punched him on the chest which he blocked.
"Well... I didn't want to disturb your Grandma, and I didn't expect you to be here," he said.
"Yeah, what were you going to do in my room in my absence?"
"Uh... Mm..." he hesitated to answer.
"Are you drunk?" I asked him smelling the strong liquor scent coming from him.
"Not that much..." he denied.
"God, what's with you two getting drunk. Where are you guys even getting the liquor?" I scolded him remembering the time when Jay got drunk.
"I stole from my grandfather's stash." I giggled and stumbled before he could take another step.
"I think it's time to get you sober."
I pushed him into the bathroom under the shower. He shook his head making me wet. Once he told me that he was okay, I let him shower and brush his teeth. He wore one of my long sweat pants and joined me on the bed lying beside me with his upper body naked.
"I think you should go sleep on the couch," I told him. He snorted and turned away from me showing his back.
"You feeling ok?" I asked him.
"Better than before." He mumbled.
"Why did you get drunk? I questioned.
He didn't say anything.
"Why did you come here?" I changed the question.
"I wanted to be with you tonight." He said slowly turning to me. We both were lying down on our side looking at each other.
"Why?" I couldn't think of anything else to say.
He just shrugged. "I missed you and even though I know you won't be here, I just wanted to be around your smell. So I came here," he added.
"I guess you are still drunk," I said without breaking eye contact.
"Maybe..." he said.
"What happened? Did you fight with Hazel again?"
"I didn't meet her tonight."
"I just didn't feel like it." I don't know but that answer made me feel better.
"Because of you. I couldn't stop thinking about you after I saw you in that dress."
I was dumbstruck. I didn't think he would say this directly. Weirdly, his words brought back the butterflies alive in my stomach.
"I didn't like it when you went to that bastard looking like a seductive goddess. I felt like I should've cut his arm when he touched you. I should've stopped you somehow. I felt so bad seeing you leaving with him." he kept on talking making me emotional and high.
Although I want to keep listening to him, I realized that it was drunk Vian talking. I guess he didn't sober yet.
I looked at his eyes quietly for a second, taking that moment in before I ruin it. I didn't want to forget it but this is not how it was supposed to happen. He is not himself, and he is not thinking straight.
"Ok, now. Come on get up." I pulled him from the bed and guided him to the door.
"Where are you taking me," he asked frowning.
"You go sleep in your room. You know I can't sleep with someone in my bed and moreover, you are saying stupid things in your drunken state and I can't listen to it. So, go now." I tried to push him hard towards the door once he started protesting.
Half-naked Vian and this kind of late-night talk are very dangerous. I was afraid that I might give into my emotions again and do something that I would regret later.
Suddenly he grabbed both of my shoulders and pushed me against the wall near the door to my room. We stood still, but he didn't loosen the hold on me.
"What are you doing, V?" I asked him looking all pitifully. He stood way closer than he should and I could smell the body wash he used. I gulped trying to pull myself together and tried to push him away from me.
But his grip on my shoulder tightened and he made me stand in my place. I was the deer caught by the tiger. No matter how I tried I couldn't shake the tiger's hold on my neck. Ultimately I am going to become the prey.
"Did you kiss him?" he asked me out of the blue not looking away.
"What the hell are you talking about?" I wriggled trying again to get away from his hold looking away.
"Look at me, Ava." He ordered.
His commanding deep voice somehow made me listen to him, and I stopped struggling, looking at him.
"Did you kiss him?" he asked me again once he ensured that I was under his full control.
"No," I sounded weak and feeble.
"Did you let him touch you?" his gaze and voice were so strong that I couldn't defy.
Saying that with a smirk, he lowered his head and claimed my lips without a warning. His lips started moving on mine feverishly. He wasn't patient at all and didn't give me time to think about it.
Before I could think clearly, my thoughts were clouded by the smooth lips that were ravishing mine now and I let myself get lost in it. I brought my hands to his hair tracing his naked torso. I could feel the smirk on his lips when I did. His hands went from my shoulder to my hip and then inside my pajama top stopping on my bare skin.
He let my lips go and traced down to my neck kissing all the way. His warm hand and his smooth, wet lips on my bare skin made me go crazy sending tingles to my core.
"What are we doing, V?" I managed to speak when he slowed down kissing my neck. But my mind was still hazy and I stood there angling my neck to give him more access.
"I don't know." He mumbled tracing his way back to my cheeks.
"We shouldn't do this," I said contradictory to my actions. I grabbed his hair and moaned when he sucked the flesh on my neck.
"Then stop me," he said and sucked on my flesh hard like he was punishing me for talking.
His hands started wandering up and down on my body setting my nerves on overdrive. "Stop me, Ava... Stop me, now." He sounded like he was begging.
But it was clear that we both didn't want to stop. I didn't say anything, but I didn't want this to stop. I wanted to feel this every day... every minute... every second. I didn't want this to end at all. Just like that, I was sucked into Vian's world like a vacuum, despite all the efforts I put all these days.
His lips came back to where it started. We kissed for god knows how long until we were breathless. It was passionate, slow, and sensual. He stopped moving when we heard a knock on the door but his lips were still on me. I bit his lips and sucked signaling him to go on. I was afraid that this was all just a dream... that this would all stop when I walk away to get that door.
He chuckled when I winded my hands around his neck closing our distance when he tried to move away from me when we kept hearing the knock. He kissed me again.... once more before he let me go.
"Remember this, Ava. Remember I am your first, and I intend to be your first in everything."
And that's how I remember my first kiss. I would describe it as intense and sultry. It was a passionate night that I could not talk to anyone about it, and I realized one thing that night... that it was foolish of me to run away from the devil himself.
I vowed to never fall again
But when I saw you
My heart said 'one more time'.
Enjoy reading - T